Page 2 | To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

hmmwhat1 · 2024-09-14T19:39:53+00:00

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses. He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared. DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation. DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis. AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses. YABU- don't ruin her holiday YANBU- she should be told I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

letmego24 · 23/09/2024 19:43

I think if close family member is critically ill then anyone would need to come back but just in hospital having tests and fairly well then probably varies with the individual. I wouldn't call my children home from a holiday unless it was extremely serious eg ITu when I'd expect dh to tell them if I was unconscious etc. intracranial bleed etc so they could have a choice to see me in case outcome bad.

FasterMichelin · 23/09/2024 08:34

Personally I wouldn't expect or want my mum to come back. Presumably she'll be home soon anyway and whilst my mum and I are close, I don't think her support would change how I felt. It's always going to be scary. Do you not have anyone who can watch the kids whilst you spend evenings at hospital? Siblings on either side? Friends? Babysitter? Neighbours? I would imagine your support would be the most critical here.

All the best, I hope you all get good news soon.

TheCultureHusks · 23/09/2024 08:30

Hope your DH is ok OP

Sockmate123 · 23/09/2024 07:50

Just checking in OP, how did it all work out? Sending best wishes

Calliopespa · 22/09/2024 13:28

whatkatydid2014 · 17/09/2024 20:55

Another to just say thinking of you and hoping for a good outcome for you and your family 💐

Agreed. Wishing you the best op. 🌺🌸

Calliopespa · 22/09/2024 13:27

pikkumyy77 · 17/09/2024 11:48

Honestly I really think there is something wrong with the posters here. Whether you think the MIL should or should not be informed there is no need for this angry, vituperative, response to the OP and other posters.

It is, or feels like, a life or death matter to OP and her family but its just a theoretical issue for mumsnetters. Why the absolute rage on behalf of a hypothetical possibility that a “grown man” not gave final say over family information about a major crisis.

I would/wouldnt do it is enough, surely? Why these vile attacks on “mammas boys” and on OP for “betraying” his “private medical information.”

Yes people really do wind themselves up on these threads, totally forgetting it’s not really their issue.

pikkumyy77 · 21/09/2024 01:40

Man I wouldn’t if I were her. This thread was the worst of trigger happy mumsnet style putting the boot in.

letmego24 · 21/09/2024 00:22

Don't think OPs coming back

Theyvallgone · 20/09/2024 19:23

OP I hope you come back and let us know the outcome.
I know you haven’t had the best reaction here, but I for one fully feel your pain and empathise with your situation.

I really all is benign

saoirse31 · 19/09/2024 15:15

Hope all is ok op, best wishes to you and all your family

letmego24 · 19/09/2024 13:09

What happened? Has MIL come back? How did the tests go and how is dh?

OVienna · 18/09/2024 21:02

OP- thinking of you and DH

whatkatydid2014 · 17/09/2024 20:55

Another to just say thinking of you and hoping for a good outcome for you and your family 💐

Newname71 · 17/09/2024 20:50

Hi OP. Just wanted to pop on to let you know I’m thinking of you and your DH. Hope you get the tests soon and get good news 💐

HallidayJones6779 · 17/09/2024 19:14

Hope you got good news today OP x

Rosscameasdoody · 17/09/2024 18:58

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/09/2024 18:27

Posters medical knowledge is irrelevant because she is not 100% familiar with OP's husbands case and OP eas not asking about prognosis and possibilities, but about a very human what would you do, not about medical advice.
I know people are nosy and it's a custom to ask about lots of irrelevant details to satisfy the curiosity, but offering unwanted and not needed advice especially the way it was phrased maybe shows the poster needs to learn a thing about how to approach people (especially if they are in position to be offering this advise in a professional setup).

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Pretty much everyone on this thread has been offering unwanted and not needed advice. And not from a medical point of view either. The fact that someone who is in a position to advise from a medical background has been subjected to the same treatment pretty much says it all.

Silviasilvertoes · 17/09/2024 18:48

Oh, and I was alone in the hospital when I was told how serious it was. My initial instinct was not to tell DH or DM as I didn’t want to worry them. I told a dear friend instead and she persuaded me they needed to know, but that was a very immediate risk - and nobody was on holiday.

Silviasilvertoes · 17/09/2024 18:46

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. I’m really sorry you’ve not had as much support as you need from the people around you. I nearly died of sepsis last year with two children five and under - it was terrifying (I’m fine now!). I feel for both of you. I’m sorry not everyone on the thread is being kind. I didn’t post while I was in hospital because I was too fragile to deal with any negativity. Just sending you hugs and as you must be sick with worry on every front.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/09/2024 18:27

Rosscameasdoody · 17/09/2024 18:17

OP posted on a public forum. Of course it was for this poster to ask if she thought she could help if she had a background in medicine. Much more than posters asking out of sheer bloody nosiness because they want the details. Go back and look at how many posters were criticising OP for ‘betraying’ her DH’s medical details to his mother, while demanding to know them themselves.

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Show quote history

Posters medical knowledge is irrelevant because she is not 100% familiar with OP's husbands case and OP eas not asking about prognosis and possibilities, but about a very human what would you do, not about medical advice.
I know people are nosy and it's a custom to ask about lots of irrelevant details to satisfy the curiosity, but offering unwanted and not needed advice especially the way it was phrased maybe shows the poster needs to learn a thing about how to approach people (especially if they are in position to be offering this advise in a professional setup).

Rosscameasdoody · 17/09/2024 18:17

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/09/2024 17:37

But OP already has people around her (doctors who are there and know what is going on) to advise her, her question was very different and did not need busybodies enquiring about the actual diagnosis nor tests, even though their intentions may not have been bad. Unless that partocilar poster is a family member or a doctor treating OPs husband, it was not really for her to ask.

Show quote history

OP posted on a public forum. Of course it was for this poster to ask if she thought she could help if she had a background in medicine. Much more than posters asking out of sheer bloody nosiness because they want the details. Go back and look at how many posters were criticising OP for ‘betraying’ her DH’s medical details to his mother, while demanding to know them themselves.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/09/2024 18:14

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/09/2024 17:37

But OP already has people around her (doctors who are there and know what is going on) to advise her, her question was very different and did not need busybodies enquiring about the actual diagnosis nor tests, even though their intentions may not have been bad. Unless that partocilar poster is a family member or a doctor treating OPs husband, it was not really for her to ask.

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Why these vile attacks on “mammas boys” and on OP for “betraying” his “private medical information.”

Because it’s Mumsnet and this is what Mumsnet does best - full of keyboard warriors quite prepared to give . Vitriol towards the OP which gets worse as the thread goes on, and a pile on to posters who disagree with the general consensus. And if you read back through the thread, some posters who have accused the OP of ‘betraying’ her DH’s medical info are the same ones insisting she should post it on MN to give more ‘context’.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/09/2024 17:37

Rosscameasdoody · 17/09/2024 10:41

Not saying they can, but it might give a bit better indication as to whether MiL needs to be told so she can make the decision. I think some posters are just nosy, but I think @letmego24 is just trying to be helpful. I think the PM option might be better in that case.

Show quote history

But OP already has people around her (doctors who are there and know what is going on) to advise her, her question was very different and did not need busybodies enquiring about the actual diagnosis nor tests, even though their intentions may not have been bad. Unless that partocilar poster is a family member or a doctor treating OPs husband, it was not really for her to ask.

Lollipop81 · 17/09/2024 17:01

How is he OP?

AbraAbraCadabra · 17/09/2024 16:35

craigth162 · 14/09/2024 20:41

Yanbu. Id hate my child of any age to be alone and scared. A holiday can be repeated.

This. I would 100% want to know. Knowing would also give her a little time to prepare should the worst happen. I would be devastated at not being told.

Ariana12 · 17/09/2024 15:24

It's quite tricky and you may have already decided, but I'd work a bit harder on why he doesn't want her told because honestly if I were her I would REALLY want to know and to be able to come home to be with him and you as well. In my view this is really a time to put family first. A holiday can always be taken later. He may not want to make a fuss. He may not be seeing clearly how much she'd mind or how much nicer it would be for you all if she were also around and able to be a part of this horrible situation. I'm so sorry he and you are going through this. Hope whatever you decide feels right.