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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:25

@Mebebecat how about the two times I explicitly say I am not going to contact her? Christ

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 14/09/2024 21:25

Isometimeswonder · 14/09/2024 21:23

I think you said your husband has siblings ie it's their mother too.
What do they think?

She has replied, just before you posted, which you wouldn't have seen when you posted. The siblings agree with DH

godmum56 · 14/09/2024 21:24

His choice. No one else's

Mebebecat · 14/09/2024 21:24

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:59

Trying to address some queries.

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

Thinking about what I would want as a mother, I'd be mortified if I didn't know.

She doesn't go abroad often but financially she could easily repeat a European holiday another time.

But this situation is not about what mil or you in her position would want. It's not about you or her fullstop. DH has told you what he wants and you must honour it. I cannot believe you might share his medical details with someone he has specifically told you not to involve. And don't try and persuade him to change his mind either - he has other priorities at the moment.

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:23

Few more queries;

Tests should have been done by Thursday gone but thanks to the realities of the NHS we're still waiting probably until at least tomorrow, and results probably the next day.

100% Cannot afford to replace her holiday later in the year.

We have a family WhatsApp group and she's blissfully unaware sending us lovely photos from her holiday, meanwhile everyone in the group is sending all these faux replies and pretending all is well. (Apart from me, I can't bring myself to join in). I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
Isometimeswonder · 14/09/2024 21:23

I think you said your husband has siblings ie it's their mother too.
What do they think?

Silvers11 · 14/09/2024 21:22

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:05

Due back on Friday.

Have sought opinions of siblings which is the same and DHs. But, the cynic in me says if it were them in this situation they would not be so altruistic with regards to not ruining their DMs holiday (there is a back story that I'm not going to get into, as it's not relevant).

It must be really hard for you, yourself wondering if you are going to lose him, but from this later post, that the siblings are agreeing that their DM shouldn't be told at this moment in time, I would even more strongly say that you should not go behind your DP's back on this and tell her. We will have to accept that there is a back story here, which isn't relevant, if you are sure that it isn't.

I hope it all turns out to be good news

DryBiscuit · 14/09/2024 21:21

Cant his siblings support him by having his children and you spend more time with him?

Everycloudect · 14/09/2024 21:20

I wouldn't care if my son was putting my holiday first, I would want to know. If anything happened in the interim I would be devastated if I wasn't given the chance to hold him and support him. I'd tell her.

SeaToSki · 14/09/2024 21:20

Can you afford to replace MIL holiday later in the year?

Try DH with that as an option .. he might agree to tell her if he thinks this is possible

Ask him if he would want his own dc to feel they could tell him in the same situation

Tell him you and the dc need her support and you would like her help at home (so he still gets to be strong)

Last case scenario, tell him that the stress and lack of sleep (guessing he isnt sleeping well as he is in hospital) are affecting his judgement and that you are taking the decision out of his hands and telling MIL…and you will tell her that it was your call and he didnt want to tell her. If he looks kind of relieved, you know you have his tacit permission, if he hits the roof then back down.

Take some time to breathe yourself, caring for someone is a marathon not a sprint, and the careers need someone to lean on too. Sending you a hug

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 21:18

How long are these tests going to take?

TooMuchRedMaybe · 14/09/2024 21:18

I would 100% want to know. A holiday is so completely insignificant in these circumstances and I would be quite hurt that my kids thought I’d rather be on holiday than be there for them through something so worrying. I’d wonder what kind of messages I must have been sending them if they all felt that way.

DadJoke · 14/09/2024 21:18

I’ve had this dilemma a couple of times. Not telling has a lot more potential for going wrong.

queenofguineapigs · 14/09/2024 21:18

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:59

Trying to address some queries.

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

Thinking about what I would want as a mother, I'd be mortified if I didn't know.

She doesn't go abroad often but financially she could easily repeat a European holiday another time.

She could, but not with the light heart that she is having it now.

I wouldn't tell her. If your DH is really ill, no holiday will ever be the same for her again.

BrokenWing · 14/09/2024 21:17

If it was my son I'd 100% want to know, but I'd respect his adult decision to do what feels right for him.

If it was my dh I'd respect and not question his decision beyond a quick "Are you sure? She'd want to know you are in", especially when he's got enough to worry about already.

Not sure where "mortified" comes into it.

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 21:17

Viviennemary · 14/09/2024 21:16

No he shouldn't contact her. Hopefully it will be a good outcome. But what can she do on holiday. Nothing except worry or come home.,

Edited

I mean, I'd want to come home!

MartinsSpareCalculator · 14/09/2024 21:16

It isn't your place to decide who he should inform about his predicament, or when he should inform them. He doesn't want to tell her so that's that. And I totally understand. I wouldn't personally want to tell anybody until there was something to tell.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/09/2024 21:16

As someone who is randomly sometimes seriously ill in hospital...

I'll tell those I choose to tell or who actually need to know.. and no one else.

I absolutely won't tell those who do not need to be upset or have plans altered for no actual benefit to anyone, nor would I tell people who will immediately get themselves heavily involved and fussing around me.

If someone else were to tell folk on my behalf because they decided it was the right thing to do, I'd be fucking furious and really stressed which is not what anyone in that situation wants or needs.

My sisters recently been through heart surgery and a few wobbles during the recovery months... We have very specifically NOT told our Father because he will worry, he will not be able to do anything useful or helpful, he'll just make himself ill and miserable which ultimately makes more work for us.

Would he LIKE to know - probably, but tough shit, this decision is best for her, the patient, and me, the person who has to do all the admin in her absence.

Not everyone feels that having people fussing around and 'involved' is actually supportive.

rookiemere · 14/09/2024 21:16

How quickly could she get back if she needed to? Are there daily flights from where she is ?

Ultimately it's your DHs decision, I hope for all of you it's not serious

mindutopia · 14/09/2024 21:16

It’s completely his choice. You follow his lead. At the moment it sounds like there is no news really to tell. I have cancer and it took me several weeks to come around to being able to tell anyone outside of Dh and my employer. It’s not the same situation as I’m NC with my mum, but she has no idea and I’d be pretty annoyed if anyone ever told her, certainly not without me making that decision for myself.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2024 21:16

No he shouldn't contact her. Hopefully it will be a good outcome. But what can she do on holiday. Nothing except worry or come home.,

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 21:15

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:14

If tests confirm the bad situation then at that point.

If tests suggest it's all benign, when she's back from holiday I guess.

Show quote history

If its the bad situation is she going to have enough time to get home? I really think either way she should be told. Sometimes you need your mum.

carly2803 · 14/09/2024 21:15

it is upto your DH

but as a mother I would be by his bedside and camp there - so i would want to know

TheNoodlesIncident · 14/09/2024 21:15

There is the point of view that at the moment, your MIL is blissfully unaware and not stressing or upset about her DS. Your DH is maybe taking comfort from the fact that she's not being worried about him, it's one fewer person feeling the anguish? We all know how we would feel if we were your MIL, we'd want to hurry to our DS's bedside. But maybe he's relieved that as yet, she doesn't know and is enjoying her holiday?

I wouldn't tell her if he doesn't want you to.

It's a shame you've nobody to look after the children for you so you can spend more time with him, I'm sure he'd be more comforted by having you there. The whole situation is very stressful for you, I'm really sorry. Flowers

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 21:15

Gosh this is shit sorry OP! I'm so so sorry. It must be so stressful.

Personally I'd get a bit angry and say this is the time to make a bit of a fuss. How's his mum going to feel if it is bad news and she's stuck on holiday. That's not nice for his mum.