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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
Differentstarts · 14/09/2024 22:07

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:32

Oh gosh that's just the tip of it, it's been an absolute shambles.

The test he needs would identify the issue and at this stage, as his is now, it's fully solvable with urgent surgery. But if they wait and don't diagnose it and get it treated it could kill him in a moment if the serious complication occurs. And we've been waiting 2 days for this test.

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Based on this no I wouldn't tell her your thinking worst case scenarios (if its the diagnosis im thinking) I'm sure your husband will be fine he's in the right place and hopefully it won't be to much longer of a wait for him to be sorted let mil enjoy her holiday and she can be caught up with it all when she gets back.

RegimentalSturgeon · 14/09/2024 22:07

Your loyalty should be to your husband, not his mother. If she does ‘never forgive you’, would that actually matter very much?

Wishing your DH a good outcome.

BruFord · 14/09/2024 22:05

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:45

Maybe you wrongly assume how much support has been offered.

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I'm really sorry for your situation, OP.

Honestly, given the circumstances, I wouldn't wait for people to offer childcare, I'd ask friends or family directly explaining that you're not allowed to visit with the children and that your DH is potentially very ill. Most people would understand this.

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 22:04

Incredibly this thread has managed to make me feel worse.

I haven't asked for opinions on my actions nor have I given any context for which comments to be based off.

But some posters have still managed to make misinformed assumptions, which whilst wrong, still hurt. Some posters should feel ashamed of themselves.

Please think about what you post. I have enough on my plate and I'm doing my best.

OP posts:
TinyGingerCat · 14/09/2024 21:59

I assume your DH is lucid and understands the situation is as grave as you have described it - in which case you do what he wants. I would be furious if my DH went against my decision.

Newname71 · 14/09/2024 21:59

So sorry you’re both going through such a difficult time and I really hope you get positive news soon.
Given there is a chance death may be imminent in the worst case scenario I would contact MIL. As a mum I would be livid being kept out of the loop, god forbid it is bad news and she wasn’t able to see him. X

pikkumyy77 · 14/09/2024 21:57

Is he the baby of the family and are the older siblings going to accuse him of being needy or crying wolf and blowing something nothing out of proportion?

Clearinguptheclutter · 14/09/2024 21:54

Bunnyhair · 14/09/2024 20:54

To put it very bluntly, is there even a remote chance he might die before or shortly after she returns? If there is, she needs to be told. Otherwise, it is his decision.

This

WhereTheHeckAreMyGlasses · 14/09/2024 21:54

I think you should stress to DH that you need the support his mum can offer you, so that you can better support him. He won’t be thinking straight if you are both as worried as the situation seems to warrant, but hopefully he will want you to have any help you can muster.

FWIW, I know that my mum and my MIL would never forgive us if we didn’t tell them about a situation like this. The hiding it in the WhatsApp group is also infantilising your MIL - she can make her own mind up about the best course of action for her if she’s given the facts of the matter. Can you imagine how everyone would feel if the worst happens and she isn’t there and knew nothing about it? Brutally, your DH wouldn’t know anything about it, but the rest of you would all have to live with the fall out afterwards.

Genevieva · 14/09/2024 21:53

Genevieva · 14/09/2024 21:53

OP, your position is entirely unreasonable. You are doing as your husband wishes, despite misgivings. If I were you I’d feel the same. If I was his Mum I’d want to know. But you are stuck with his decision.

Please ignore people looking to pick holes in what you say at such a difficult time. You have enough on your plate. I’m sure you have thought of all options for increasing visits from you and others snd that your post is just a plea for solidarity at a time that is also quite lonely and scary for you.

Give it a day or two, but if you need to, tell your husband that you need his Mum to know, because it is weighing on you and making you feel even more isolated at a time when you both need as much love and support as you can get.

*reasonable!!!!

Genevieva · 14/09/2024 21:53

OP, your position is entirely unreasonable. You are doing as your husband wishes, despite misgivings. If I were you I’d feel the same. If I was his Mum I’d want to know. But you are stuck with his decision.

Please ignore people looking to pick holes in what you say at such a difficult time. You have enough on your plate. I’m sure you have thought of all options for increasing visits from you and others snd that your post is just a plea for solidarity at a time that is also quite lonely and scary for you.

Give it a day or two, but if you need to, tell your husband that you need his Mum to know, because it is weighing on you and making you feel even more isolated at a time when you both need as much love and support as you can get.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/09/2024 21:52

As the child I wouldn’t want the holiday to be ruined. As a parent, I would want to know and be home in a heartbeat. It’s a tough one.

crumblingschools · 14/09/2024 21:52

Can you ask him how he would feel if one of your DC were poorly and everyone else knew but him

dogmandu · 14/09/2024 21:52

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:59

Trying to address some queries.

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

Thinking about what I would want as a mother, I'd be mortified if I didn't know.

She doesn't go abroad often but financially she could easily repeat a European holiday another time.

I would tell her, otherwise you lose the trust she has possibly put in you that you would always do your best for her son,. Whatever he says now, he would know that by telling his mum you are doing the right thing for him and for her,

ThomasPatrickKeatingsDegas · 14/09/2024 21:50

As a mother I’d want to know.

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 21:48

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:32

Oh gosh that's just the tip of it, it's been an absolute shambles.

The test he needs would identify the issue and at this stage, as his is now, it's fully solvable with urgent surgery. But if they wait and don't diagnose it and get it treated it could kill him in a moment if the serious complication occurs. And we've been waiting 2 days for this test.

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Oh you poor poor things. I really have no other words. I wish you and your husband the absolute best of luck

Workhardcryharder · 14/09/2024 21:47

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/09/2024 21:41

I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted,

These two sentence's entirely contradict each other! Let your friends and siblings deal with your kids - go and be with your husband. Poor guy is alone, ill and needs you. Whatever ge wants to do RE his mother, YOU are his next of kin right now.

Umm no they don’t! I think you may have misread

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/09/2024 21:46

You're right that it will be awful f your DH is as sick as is feared (I do hope not) and his Mum finds out too late. But he's made his decision not to tell his mum and you need to respect it. He can change his mind any time but at the moment it may be making him feel better to know that he's protecting her from this terrifying time.

Workhardcryharder · 14/09/2024 21:46

So tricky. I would want you to tell me if I were her.

If my husband were to have told my mum against my wishes, I know him well enough to know he would have put a shit load of thought into it and was only doing it because he felt like he should.

LivelyBlake · 14/09/2024 21:46

YANBU at all

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:46

Stepping away now.
Thanks for those who gave reasoned answers to the AIBU and well wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:45

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/09/2024 21:41

I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted,

These two sentence's entirely contradict each other! Let your friends and siblings deal with your kids - go and be with your husband. Poor guy is alone, ill and needs you. Whatever ge wants to do RE his mother, YOU are his next of kin right now.

Maybe you wrongly assume how much support has been offered.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/09/2024 21:43

Let his?siblings contact his mother
Or are they your siblings

6pence · 14/09/2024 21:41

I’d go behind his back and contact her personally.

He needs her, she’ll want to be there for him, and worst case she could miss his final moments and never forgive you.

Tell her

cass5 · 14/09/2024 21:41

She should know, yes, she can help. But you should not betray your husband's trust. Persuade him. That failing, explain him why you need to do it, you would expect your DIL one day to do the same for your.