To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

It must be torture for you waiting for the results. Be forceful, ask about the results, remind them. The reason I am saying this is because of the idiotic procedures that delay the provision of information, i.e. junior doctor might already know, but it is the registrar whose job it is to inform.

My SIL is a medical secretary at a private hospital, where desperate people with little money (posters all over the hospital Spread the cost of your treatment and a business department offering loans for treatment there at ridiculous interest rates) go for diagnoses because GPs do not refer to consultants to diagnose. Their procedure is as follows: when a diagnosis is confirmed/not confirmed (after consultant gets imaging), a consultant dictates a letter (takes time), then the secretary audio-types the letter (takes time), then the said letter is sent (2nd class, franked) to the patient's GP (!!!!!). Then the GP's reception receives the letter, logs it in and gives it to the GP to read. GPs are often part-time. The GP then contacts the patient. Can you imagine? Between the conclusive imaging/biopsy, etc. and the moment the patient is informed (having paid a lot) as much time as 2 weeks can pass. (And in this scenario, the patient is self-referred, self-pay). I have no words to describe the communication procedure between medical personnel and patients in the UK. So be forceful! Insist on expediency.

So sorry OP, definitely get a babysitter so you can be with him. In your situation I'd probably persuade him to tell MIL. But very hard to decide, very finely balanced.

I do think the fact he could die id tell her
but do it first thing in a mother she stands a chance of being able to sort travel home that day

He's an adult and it's his decision. I know you've said you won't be telling her, don't let the people here saying you should change your mind. I would be livid if my partner went against my wishes like that, you will also piss off his siblings.

I usually would be about the patient’s wishes but in this case I genuinely think she should be told. You’re in this situation too and you will have to deal with the aftermath, hopefully a positive outcome, but regardless.

I'd tell her and let her decide.

If he died while she was away, imagine how she'd feel about not being told, not seeing him again.

It's not been said but so sorry you're going through this OP must be an awful time. You sound lovely. Is there anyone at all who can look after your children while you visit DH?

Does she have any inkling that he's ill or did it all happen suddenly, after she'd left for her holiday?
If his siblings know and your DP has explicitly said not to tell parents then you're in the clear if the worst was to happen, god forbid.
Two people in my family had cancer, one told no one until the terminal diagnosis and one told everyone regarding every test. I was very hurt that my DF didn't confide in me but respected his wishes and in no way would I even thought to blame my DM for keeping it from me.
It's all about your DP and you, you're living with the situation right now. His wishes come first.

If he would find her presence comforting rather than annoying, I would definitely explain this dreadful situation to her including the bit that he (selflessly) doesn’t want to ruin her holiday.
She will want to know, especially if they are close. in fact the thought of deliberately not being told your precious son was in this position would be abhorrent.
She could comfort him and keep him company as well as help you out with babysitting so that you can be with him.
You are both struggling and it could be his last few days. So I would override his wishes in these circumstances.
Praying it’s not bad news.

I think you are stuck in a really impossible position. You know full well that MIL would want to know and she’d be involved, but of course you have to do what your DH wants in this situation. I’m sorry you have this dilemma and have to wait for diagnosis. I hope DH is going to be okay.

Agree with this. If the worst were to happen then he sadly isn’t the one living with the aftermath. A mother who was willfully kept in the dark from spending time with her son in his last days is unthinkable. Even in the hopeful outcome of his being ok then finding out afterward that your child went through this and thought you wouldn’t want to know, because of a holiday?

I'm glad you're respecting his wishes.

I am sorry for you though, it must be terrible waiting for the test results. Hopefully he will get good results back and will be back home recovering quickly.

Agree that it is husband’s decision but as a mum would want to know this as my child would be my priority - regardless of age.

Going against the grain but I would tell her and deal with the repercussions later. And I know my dh would do the same. Best wishes to you and your husband 💕

Are the tests life threatening right now? is your DH expected to not survive until MIL gets home? for me, if they are running tests and nothing has been confirmed etc then why spoil MIL's holiday. what can she do if she knows?

If however, the news is bad.. firstly i am sorry.. and 2nd then obviously contact MIL because she will want to see her son one last time and be there at the end.

It’s his decision.

Do you have family who could care for the children so that you can support him?

She’s already on holiday not living on Mars, he hadn’t been diagnosed with anything yet.

Perhaps your mum made the decision that she wanted to spend her final hours in thought, on her own, remembering her happy memories, without interruptions, tears, sadness and all that an unexpected death encompasses.

Perhaps she decided that watching her pass away wasn’t an image she wanted to be etched on your memories forever.

>If my sons in law didn’t tell me that my DDs might have a life threatening diagnosis I would never forgive them.

Then that would be your mistake, if your DD was conscious and made that decision. Because you can’t be angry at her for taking the decision to be there away from you, you certainly shouldn’t be angry at the partner for respecting her wishes. The partner is an extension of her and reflects her morals and wishes. It would be wrong to be angry and it would not be what your daughter would want.

Death is a very emotive subject, I understand. I think we attach a lot of importance to “being there with her during her final hours, holding her hand whilst she goes out.”

I fully expect to have a horrible death that includes vile after death body movements and I would rather go out alone than have my partner witness that and have him remember it forever.

But as I said. Emotive. And I am not a very highly emotional person when it comes to such things, I am too pragmatic I guess.

What does any of your story have to do with this?

a grown man had made a decision. Done.

I'd want to know, but I do believe it's his choice.

So sorry you're going through this awful situation. Sending prayers for the better outcome.

He isn’t alone though is he? His wife posted this.

A holiday should never take priority over a situation like this

He has a wife and family.

My mother ended up in A+E having been taken by paramedics. I spoke to her whilst they were with her persuading her that she needed to go to hospital with severe back pain and low blood pressure.
The following day I received a call from the hospital telling me that she had died.
it turned out that she had a slow leaking aortic aneurism and whilst in A+E was told that it was likely to rupture any time. She was advised to have surgery but knew the survival rate was very small so decided to decline. She also refused to let staff call any on her 4 children - we are all reasonable close. It’s incredibly hard knowing that my mum knew her death was imminent and yet chose not to let us know. I know it was her decision, but we’ve been left to deal with the outcome.
If my sons in law didn’t tell me that my DDs might have a life threatening diagnosis I would never forgive them.

Wishing him all the best for his results.

And yes. You should tell her.

I can only imagine if I were her, coming home from holiday to discover nobody had told me my boy, my son, my child was in crisis.

Imagine if the worst had happened - and nobody had considered I might have needed to be with him while there was time.

I would never get over that.

If you tell her, he will be angry.

If you don't tell her, she will be angry.

I'm sorry OP, but you have a choice to make.