To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

I'm so sorry your getting such shitty cunty messages here op

What a bunch of wankers some people can be.

You have a really hard situation to deal with.

God help you both OP, that sounds absolutely horrendous.
I can understand the predicament when it is so potentially serious and he is feeling so distressed.
I hope you are reaching out for support to your family and friends for yourself.
Wishing you and your husband well.
Mind yourself.

He absolutely does deep down want her there for him as OP has said in the thread. It's interrupting her holiday that's his reason.

The DH in hospital doesn't want his mum there because he doesn't want her to be worried. The mums are saying they would want to be worried because you don't stop being a mum when your child is grown up. It's not me me me.

Read my post few posts back and you'll find out he does actually want his mother around. He's doing this FOR his mother but wrongly so in the cases of mothers who would definitely want to have the opportunity to fly home early, especially if it was serious and every moment counted.

yup this.....there is a whole lot of (understandable) me me me here from the mums. The person at the centre of this has said no, end of.

It's a difficult one. If the results are due in Tuesday then I would wait for them. If it's good news (I hope it is) then no problem. If not then you tell her then.
My husband was ill over 12 years and we never told my mil or my parents when follow up scans were as they...well MIL just showered me with their anxieties and honestly I couldn't cope with it.
This obviously is a more acute situation but I'm of the opinion not to worry someone else until you really know you need to worry them. I found anticipating results was worse than actually knowing the results.
I don't know what symptoms or possible diagnosis your husband has OP but I wish you well and hope you get some answers soon. You're in a difficult position.

even if that person was your actual son who said he did not want you told?

As one of many who have mentioned this, the reality is he's doing this for the benefit of his mother which by all accounts is not what she would want. If you read the thread OP has said he would love her to be there to support him and its unfortunate about the timing of the hospitalisation etc coinciding with the holiday. His request about not telling his mother has nothing to do with the stress of having her around worrying about him as people have suggested. Hopefully all the tests will prove there is nothing to worry about OP.

All those saying they d want to know and would fly home immediately, well yes that what the majority of us as parents would want and do, but it's not really the point is it? Do our adult child have no rights or say in regards to their own medical situations? I wouldn't want my mother around in this situation, she would be no practical use, would stress me out and I'd have to deal with her worry as well as my own, what would be the point? Especially when we don't even know what we are dealing with and can't focus on specific concerns or put plans in place etc yet. Now if my partner were struggling on their own with work, childcare and household stuff and she were to come home and focus on being a practical help there fantastic, that would be so helpful in this situation, but tbh in most cases that's not were the MILs focus is going to be

My first thought was no dont what the point in ruining their holiday then I thought about my kids and if it was one of them I would definitely want to be with them and I would t care about missing the rest of the holiday I would come straight back. So yes I think you should tell her.

Why would you ruin her holiday? I would not do this even if the diagnosis was not good. It’s just a rotten thing to do.

His choice.

WTF?? Why are people being so incredibly mean and judgmental?? The poor OP has enough on her plate with the prospect of potentially losing her DH!!!

OP, your MIL may be your husband’s mother, but this is a situation that affects you both, not just him, and so you are allowed a say in the decision too - you will have to deal with any fallout from her too, after all. You now know his opinion, but he doesn’t get to make a unilateral decision on something that has consequences for you both. So, with him in a vulnerable state of mind and his judgement impaired, I would tell him that you are going to tell her, because it’s important for you that she knows. But that you will emphasise to her that he didn’t want her bothered. Leave the decision about whether or not to come home to her. If I was his mother, wild horses wouldn’t keep me from coming home - seriously, does anyone actually think that any mother in the same position wouldn’t do the same? In her position I’d be furious if someone else made that decision for me & took potentially incredibly precious time with my child away from me.

Me too.
If this was my son I would want to know, nobody would prefer to be on holiday rather than being with their very unwell son or daughter. It’s just a holiday. I would feel terrible not to know and to be blithely trotting about on my holiday while my son was in hospital.

its not up to her to decide whether or not her adult mentally competent husband is making good decisions or not. Yes its ok to discuss his decision in a way that is appropriate to the circumstances, but once he's made it then she should abide by it.

Why on earth would you ruin her holiday. She’ll find out any possible bad news when she gets back. This is about your husband’s wishes, not yours. You can’t just trample over them. He has told you what he thinks. You need to leave it. His mother will be there when she gets back.

@hmmwhat1 , very tricky situation because you have to do what your husband wants here but I think he’s wrong. If that was my son I’d be on the first flight home regardless of where in the world I was.

If he doesn't want her to know yet respect his wishes. He clearly doesn't want to bother her yet.

If the news IS bad that will be the right time.

YANBU I would want to know if I was his mother. She might not need to fly back immediately but could, at least, keep in touch with the hospital.

So sorry you and your DH are facing this terrible thing OP.

On telling your MIL:
your DH is being kind to her ...but also perhaps avoiding the need to cope with HER pain and distress at a time when he is already struggling.

I think this is the best solution. Try and get him to see it your way. If he died, she would be heartbroken and she may hold that against you.

I am probably going to be in a similar situation regarding telling family members about DHs imminent death. We had a devastating phonecall on Thursday and we have a lot of family stuff to navigate. It's really hard but I would try and persuade him to allow you to contact her.

Wait for her to come back.

Because:

1. there's nothing she can do.

2. what are you going to tell her? Wait for a diagnosis and then she's dealing with certainties and not maybes.

3. he doesn't want you to. That should be reason enough.

I think it depends on the MIL. Like for example my mother is quite chilled and would understand why I didn’t tell her straight away. My DHS mother is the opposite and would be very very unhappy about not being told and involved straight away.
That being said, my DH wouldn’t always want to tell his mother because of her potential reaction/overreaction. So I’d always 100% leave the decision with him. End of the day you are family but it’s HIS mother not yours so ultimately it lays with him.

OP you are right in my opinion that as a mother I would want to know. Thinking of my own mum and my MIL they would absolutely want to know if myself or DH were potentially seriously ill. I’m not actually sure she’ll thank DH’s siblings for keeping her in the dark about this. Unless this holiday is an actual trip of a lifetime I see absolutely no reason why she cannot be told. If in 20/30/40 years time one of my DC’s was very ill and everyone was deliberately keeping me in the dark I would be horrified. The whole point of being someone’s mum is being there when they need you the most.

I’m sorry you’re stuck in this position. I think your MIL is being rather infantilised by everyone else in her circle and will likely be very upset she was kept out of the loop. I think you are correct that you cannot step in and go against your DH’s wishes but perhaps once he has pulled through this (and I really hope he does OP, sending my good wishes) you need to have a wider discussion about how situations like this will be dealt with in the future.