To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

@hmmwhat1 just here to wish you and your dear DH well. Thinking of you both

So Sorry to hear what you are all going through. I really hope it isn’t bad news. As a mother I would want to know, forget what everyone else is saying, tell her.

For all the many posters saying OP shouldn't tell her MIL....she has clearly said she is not planning to and will go by DH's wishes.

Her question seems only to be whether it's a reasonable course or action he has chosen or whether his mum is likely to want to know

I would want to know if one of my children was in a life or death situation. Obviously hoping for the best for your dh and you all. 🙏

I'm sorry you and your DH are going through such a terrible time, OP. I do think YABU regarding contacting his mother. He is not a child and can make his own decisions. It doesn't matter at all what you think or what you would want if you were in your DH's shoes. I have been in his shoes, my now ex disregarded my wishes and it's one of many things I have never forgiven him for.

Why would your need to be a lioness override your Son's wishes?

YANBU I'm a mother to now adult children and I would want to know. And yes I would take the first flight home, although my DH might object. Oh, men....🤦🏼‍♀️

Having been in this situation with my Father he only told us when he had definitive diagnosis (yes it was bad news) and other relatives had been sworn to not tell us. I 100% respected the decision he made to not give us worry when we couldn't do anything.

Your husband is choosing to shoulder the majority of the stress himself (as you can't be there as much as you'd like to be). By going behind his back and telling his Mum, as others have said Mama Bear (my god I really do hate that phrase) instinct comes out, but you are putting her need to look after him in front of his need to keep that worry from her. Respect his decision.

No it's his decision.

I also wouldn't tell someone on holiday, why worry them so far away with unknowns when you can tell them calmly when you actually know what your dealing with

It's drives me nuts when people say I would want to know etc. It's NOT your choice. It's the choice of the person who is ill. Everyone else has to suck it up and deal with it and the consequences. I would also press the hospital for answers. Thoughts with you x

Go with what your husband says

How do you think your son would feel if his wife went against his wishes and told you something that he had asked her not to.

Please tell her.
If I thought one of my sons was so ill he might die and I hadn't been told because I was on holiday I would be devastated.

Also can your siblings not look after your children so you can be with your dh?

So sorry you're going through this. My husband was in a similar situation a few years ago but his mother was elderly and unable to travel so I played things down till I knew he was recovering.
This situation is different as his mum is able to offer support.
If he was my son I would want to know and make the decision myself.

And his wife who posted it clearly said that a lot of the time he is indeed alone.

No she doesn't need to forgive. She was denied the opportunity to spend time with her mum while she was still well enough to recognise her. As an adult the only person that should have made that decision was Thursa herself.

Well if he really wants her he d tell her, or tell his wife to ring her surely, there's no reason not to tell her if her really wants her. However if he doesn't really want her not upsetting her holiday is a good excuse to justify not telling her right now. Aside from anything else telling your mam and her flying home underlines how serious it all is and if he doesn't want to face that right now. If she werent away she would know about it because straight up lying to her face is a different ballgame so yes the situation would be different if the timing were different.

How many times does it have to be mentioned that he said he would want his mother around. His reason is not to spoil her holiday & nothing to do with him not wanting her concern & support

I don't want my mum to be worried because I can't cope with her worry on top of my own, and my partners worry and my kids concerns. It's not just about protecting her, it's about protecting myself until we at least know what we are dealing with. And yes every relationship is different, and some people would be comforted by having their mum in the country and up to speed on it all but it just doesn't sound like DH is one of them

It's absolutely up to your DH regarding whether your mother-in-law is told. It doesn't matter what his reasoning is, if he doesn't want your mother-in-law to be informed yet you don't do it, I'm shocked at all the people who think that it would be okay to disregard his wishes.Being ill is bad enough without having people think that it's their right to decide on things like this for you.

Yes; and other posters have suggested the MiL won’t. My point was that the OP should prioritise husband over MiL.

You sound as though she wants to tell her MIL just to ruin her holiday. If the diagnosis is not good, she states that death could be almost immediate. If that was the case, I doubt his mum would be comforted by the fact that her holiday wasn't ruined.

But he doesn’t want that? He’s asked you not to tell her?

YWBU to go against his wishes. He’s the one dealing with potentially awful diagnoses and he may not be able to cope with the guilt of impacting her holiday. Taking that control away from him in a situation where he has very little control would be unforgivable, imo.

Yup. Just because it’s his mum doesn’t mean that that’s the only relationship that matters here

I know. That was my point. He's trying to save her from the inconvenience and worry but I don't think that is the way she would see it.

Edit: re reading my post I realise I didn't express myself very well.