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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
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pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2024 15:04

OP i sm so sorry for all the grief you git from posters here. I hope things are better and your dh got a good dx/prognosis. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. However this incident came out it was a horrendous experience and must have been so frightening! But please know that I am sure the post will ultimately have quite a ripple effect as people reading it realize that they need to make provision for their loved ones if a similar emergency happens. I know I have rethought my own situation in the light of yours.

Technonan · 26/09/2024 14:18

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 24/09/2024 17:02

I can't stand people that make themselves the centre of someone else's problem.

That you'd be outraged first rather than concerned for the patient. Think about centering others before yourself.

Show quote history

Oh, nonsense. A lot of people have pointed out that, as mothers, they would not have wanted to be kept in the dark.

BabyR · 25/09/2024 18:33

It’s his choice. Respect it.

Acornsoup · 25/09/2024 18:22

@Citrusandginger very good advice Flowers

Purplebunnie · 24/09/2024 22:36

Pleased to hear your DH is hone and recovering. Hugs to you both

whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 24/09/2024 22:04

So glad to hear he's home.

Great news

Citrusandginger · 24/09/2024 17:59

@hmmwhat1 Really glad to hear your DH is home and hope you are all recovering from what sounds like a very tough and traumatic time. I'd like to send a virtual hug given some of the shit you've had on here. Flowers

With my bossy nurse hat on though could I gently remind you that clinicians can ask for help too? I'm a former palliative care nurse and I'm pretty good at unpicking when patients decide to be stubborn & brave. You know deep down that It's not uncommon for people to make a choice based on what they think they ought to say, rather than what they actually want. The right thing to do is to give the patient the space to admit it.

Hoping you get some recovery time.

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 24/09/2024 17:02

Technonan · 24/09/2024 15:01

TBH, I'd want to keep the wishes of the MIL in mind at this stage. This secret-keeping could damage relationships all round. If the OP is in contact with her and not telling her, it's even worse because it amounts to telling lies (though clearly she's trying to do what her ill DH wants.)

I would have been outraged if my family had kept something like this secret from me, no matter what the motivation.

Show quote history

I can't stand people that make themselves the centre of someone else's problem.

That you'd be outraged first rather than concerned for the patient. Think about centering others before yourself.

Technonan · 24/09/2024 15:01

NerrSnerr · 23/09/2024 20:13

And ignore the wishes of the ill person? Surely their wants should be central?

Show quote history

TBH, I'd want to keep the wishes of the MIL in mind at this stage. This secret-keeping could damage relationships all round. If the OP is in contact with her and not telling her, it's even worse because it amounts to telling lies (though clearly she's trying to do what her ill DH wants.)

I would have been outraged if my family had kept something like this secret from me, no matter what the motivation.

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 24/09/2024 05:52

letmego24 · 23/09/2024 23:04

There's been a lot of argument on this thread. I haven't read the whole thing but wrt the medical side that's what seemed to me to make the difference between judgement of making the call or not. Whether dh was sick or not. That doesn't give any diagnosis away and neither does the test. But trying to reason it through with virtually no info isn't really possible. People ask questions on every relationship thread and pretty much every AIBU or a thread presenting a problem or judgement call. Yet for some reason people got quite nasty on this thread and quite ignorant and ill mannered. It was also such a narrow question with no BG that in the end no one could answer it but the OP who knew the story.

😂

OP posts:
letmego24 · 23/09/2024 23:04

There's been a lot of argument on this thread. I haven't read the whole thing but wrt the medical side that's what seemed to me to make the difference between judgement of making the call or not. Whether dh was sick or not. That doesn't give any diagnosis away and neither does the test. But trying to reason it through with virtually no info isn't really possible. People ask questions on every relationship thread and pretty much every AIBU or a thread presenting a problem or judgement call. Yet for some reason people got quite nasty on this thread and quite ignorant and ill mannered. It was also such a narrow question with no BG that in the end no one could answer it but the OP who knew the story.

OVienna · 23/09/2024 21:51

And pleased you DH is home.

OVienna · 23/09/2024 21:50

hmmwhat1 · 23/09/2024 20:24

I think fundamentally the answer to this question depends on how close you are with your parent, how well you are coping, and your understanding of the situation/possible complications.

I would never ever want my child (and their other half who is having to carry on at home with the kids) to be in that position and need my support during an extremely stressful situation and not feel that they can call me. Last weekend was nothing short of traumatic. So I have said this to DH so that he understands my wishes, in the future, should a similar situation ever arise with our kids, for example.

The reason I didn't want to get into the medical side is because I am an A&E clinician. I don't need medical advice/input. I'm acutely aware of the situation and possible outcomes. I shared exactly the right amount of information so as people could understand the severity of the situation, but also to maintain some semblance of anonymity by not divulging the diagnosis.

DH is home and recovering. Thank you for the well wishes.

(This thread really showed the crap side of Mumsnet too.)

You've done the right thing,OP. Is she back yet?

Americano75 · 23/09/2024 21:37

@hmmwhat1 oh, I'm so glad he's home! Everything aside, that's the main thing now.

Seabreeze18 · 23/09/2024 21:31

Op I’m glad things are improving! Thank you for highlighting something that we should all discuss with our relatives. Next time we go away I will tell relatives that I would want them to contact me if there was ever anything wrong!
I’m sorry u encountered some horrible people on this thread!

meganorks · 23/09/2024 21:20

YABU. I wouldn't do that

dothehokeycokey · 23/09/2024 21:17

I'm so glad your dh is home and recovering op

I hope he continues to get better

Sorry you got a lot of grief here it's a shame because at times I see threads where the support is immense but then equally can be shitty

letmego24 · 23/09/2024 20:57

Because I think for most, a critical situation would mean you make the call ( I&V in ITU) but having tests and stable probably not.

letmego24 · 23/09/2024 20:50

hmmwhat1 · 23/09/2024 20:24

I think fundamentally the answer to this question depends on how close you are with your parent, how well you are coping, and your understanding of the situation/possible complications.

I would never ever want my child (and their other half who is having to carry on at home with the kids) to be in that position and need my support during an extremely stressful situation and not feel that they can call me. Last weekend was nothing short of traumatic. So I have said this to DH so that he understands my wishes, in the future, should a similar situation ever arise with our kids, for example.

The reason I didn't want to get into the medical side is because I am an A&E clinician. I don't need medical advice/input. I'm acutely aware of the situation and possible outcomes. I shared exactly the right amount of information so as people could understand the severity of the situation, but also to maintain some semblance of anonymity by not divulging the diagnosis.

DH is home and recovering. Thank you for the well wishes.

(This thread really showed the crap side of Mumsnet too.)

I think a lot of things are down to common sense and whether you've dealt with similar situations before. From the medical side being a ' clinician' even if you are an AE consultant but especially I think if you were more junior and less experienced you may be even more prone to catastrophising etc. it's hard to be on the other side and not see the results and have control.
I'm glad he's ok and discharged.

Ineffable23 · 23/09/2024 20:28

So glad he's home and doing well. Maybe once his mum is back they could have a conversation about what to do in a circumstance like that again - his mum will presumably want to be told and that might give him the confidence to feel he could "intrude" on her holiday time in future if necessary (inverted commas because I don't really consider it intrusion but don't know what word to use).

Mumsnet can be great or dreadful and this has been a pretty depressing thread in terms of the "great" side.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 23/09/2024 20:28

Rosscameasdoody · 17/09/2024 18:58

Pretty much everyone on this thread has been offering unwanted and not needed advice. And not from a medical point of view either. The fact that someone who is in a position to advise from a medical background has been subjected to the same treatment pretty much says it all.

Edited
Show quote history

Because OP didnt ask for a medical point of view, so again, that 'medical' advice was 100% more irrelevant than people saying what they owuld have done. In the light of OP having medical knowledge themselves, I think maybe people should have stuck to answer the question she asked, not unsollicited medical advice no one cares for.

Differentstarts · 23/09/2024 20:26

hmmwhat1 · 23/09/2024 20:24

I think fundamentally the answer to this question depends on how close you are with your parent, how well you are coping, and your understanding of the situation/possible complications.

I would never ever want my child (and their other half who is having to carry on at home with the kids) to be in that position and need my support during an extremely stressful situation and not feel that they can call me. Last weekend was nothing short of traumatic. So I have said this to DH so that he understands my wishes, in the future, should a similar situation ever arise with our kids, for example.

The reason I didn't want to get into the medical side is because I am an A&E clinician. I don't need medical advice/input. I'm acutely aware of the situation and possible outcomes. I shared exactly the right amount of information so as people could understand the severity of the situation, but also to maintain some semblance of anonymity by not divulging the diagnosis.

DH is home and recovering. Thank you for the well wishes.

(This thread really showed the crap side of Mumsnet too.)

I'm glad he's home and doing well

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 23/09/2024 20:24

I think fundamentally the answer to this question depends on how close you are with your parent, how well you are coping, and your understanding of the situation/possible complications.

I would never ever want my child (and their other half who is having to carry on at home with the kids) to be in that position and need my support during an extremely stressful situation and not feel that they can call me. Last weekend was nothing short of traumatic. So I have said this to DH so that he understands my wishes, in the future, should a similar situation ever arise with our kids, for example.

The reason I didn't want to get into the medical side is because I am an A&E clinician. I don't need medical advice/input. I'm acutely aware of the situation and possible outcomes. I shared exactly the right amount of information so as people could understand the severity of the situation, but also to maintain some semblance of anonymity by not divulging the diagnosis.

DH is home and recovering. Thank you for the well wishes.

(This thread really showed the crap side of Mumsnet too.)

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 23/09/2024 20:13

Technonan · 23/09/2024 19:46

Let her know. If it were my son, I would want to know. I would come back. Give her the choice to do the same.

And ignore the wishes of the ill person? Surely their wants should be central?

Technonan · 23/09/2024 19:46

Let her know. If it were my son, I would want to know. I would come back. Give her the choice to do the same.