To expect a morsel of excitement about our wedding

And that is what a lot of people do. My daughter and her husband did that just a few weeks ago. They have been together for 17 years, but a health scare prompted them to just tie the knot, because, as she said, the health scare made her realise that it was the marriage that really mattered and not the actual wedding, which they'd been putting off because she wanted a big party and there was always something else needing available funds. It was a lovely, lovely day.

Why don't you both elope?
It may be more cost effective.

Whose idea was it to get married? Do you have children? Who’s paying for the wedding?

Your idea isn’t better than his, it’s different. Compromise isn’t you getting your day and him having to pretend it’s what he wants.

I’ve had two weddings, smaller was better and the marriage is in a different league. I know a couple who were still paying their extravaganza off when the divorce came through. She wanted a stately home instafest yet was cheating within months.

I also know people who’ve had fantasy weddings and are still happy decades later, they’re often great to attend as a guest, but the correlation between expensive do and short lived marriage rings true in my experience.

Why isn't it his choice? He's getting married just as much as you are. Why do you get the overriding vote?

That would be my choice too. I guess you’re going to have to find a middle ground that you can both feel enthusiastic about.

My son (who isn’t getting married) has said when he does he’d like it as small, simple and unfussy as possible so your fiancé isn’t unusual.

Just make sure you’re not putting all the focus on a wedding and forgetting there’s a marriage too.

Well this would be me too. So I guess you need a conversation, and some compromise on both sides

He sounds like he wants to be married.

You sound like you want a wedding.

It’s ok that he doesn’t want to spend lots of money or spend hours looking at centre pieces or napkin colours.

I knew a wonderful couple who ended up splitting up after 13 years because they couldn’t agree about their wedding. The man had reservations about a huge destination wedding (his parents were acrimoniously divorced and couldn’t be in the same room together, his family would have struggled to afford getting there, etc) and wanted something low key in a registry office, whereas the woman felt she was entitled to ‘her day’ just the way she wanted it, and anything less meant he didn’t love her enough.

It was very sad - they both ended up with partners they were much less suited to in the end, all because they couldn’t decide on a wedding that worked for them both.

Try to talk with him about it - his feelings and concerns matter too.

So you know why he is not excited.

Because you both have very different ideas of how the wedding should be.

You want it one way and expect him to be excited. He is going along with what you want. But to expect him to be excited when it’s the opposite of his idea of what a good day would be, is unrealistic.

and since money spent will impact both of you, expecting him to be excited about the day being the opposite of what he wants and costing a lot is silly.

is the really no compromise? A small wedding with a meal and a party at another time? Or something along those lines?

have a big fancy splurge on your hen and a downscale wedding. something small is much easier to plan

This. Team groom here.

You have very different ideas about your wedding day. Women often have the Big Day sold to them as something to aspire to in a way that men often don’t, so it’s not surprising that there can be tension over it.

You’ve already mentioned that you know what he’d be happy with, but in a way that came across as quite derisive*, but you are upset that he moans about your vision of a wedding. I think you need to sit down and both talk about what you want and what’s important to you without being upset at the other’s perspective. Then come to some sort of compromise that tries to give you both a bit of what’s most important to you. And if you can’t do that, you probably shouldn’t be getting married.

*I appreciate tone can be hard to gauge online, so if I’m wrong about that, I apologise and it may make the rest less relevant.

I was the opposite and would have happily eloped but DH and mum were so excited about the whole event and he happily helped with all the arrangements - I think the tasting lunch was his fave though

Then you can't really blame him for being less than enthusiastic about what I presume is now a large and expensive wedding. I'm on his side, I'm afraid. Anyone who wants a big and expensive party should definitely not marry me as I will not be enthused about it, want to plan it of pay for it.

Have you been together years? Have you got kids?

There is nothing wrong with that. I couldn't be bothered about a big wedding either. Marriage was important for me. I really didn't wanna have an expensive wedding which needs shed loads of org. Problem seems to be that you have different ideas about your wedding day. Would you consider eloping and party afters?

So have you considered doing that then?

Is he excited about your life together afterwards? That's the important bit.

His plan sounds best.

This is what we did and it was lovely.

My DH is actually very shy and standing and speaking in the registry office was hard enough for him, when all eyes were on him.

So we had a nice little personal ceremony with close family and friends, had a meal and then we spent the night in a honeymoon suite in a hotel, while MIL looked after the DC.

Can you two not compromise?

If the wedding that you want is significantly more elaborate than the one he wants, then you either have to accept (with good grace and without resentment) that a "big" wedding would have to be mostly arranged by you, or you need to have a proper talk about what sort of wedding could work as a compromise.

This "proper talk" doesn't mean you coming up with suggestions that he then shoots down - sounds like you've done enough of that already, and that your suggestions are all variations on an approach he finds alien and excessive. It needs to start from the basics: What does the day mean for each of you?

So do that, if you’re not happy with doing all the planning for your preferred wedding? I said I would only marry DH if we got married with two witnesses in jeans. He’d have liked a huge wedding, but I wasn’t up for it.

My brother is like this. Doesn't want a faff, his partner does. He's said fine, have your day but I'm not really interested in planning it. It's not my thing. That was the compromise, he will go along with the pomp for her but she has to arrange it. I think it's fair enough, you can't really expect someone to be excitedly planning something they don't want in the place.

My DH was very involved in the planning,possibly a bit more than me
You need to have a chat with him and try and reach an agreement on what you both want

So you're effectively forcing something he doesn't want on him and you want him to be excited about it?