Page 4 | Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

matt08 · 2024-09-14T17:23:56+00:00

Hi. I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay. I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum. I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away. I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E. Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me. Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

NOTANUM · 14/09/2024 19:46

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read here.. I don’t know about full custody but I’d definitely be ensuring that she isn’t home schooled. That would destroy your 50:50 arrangement and I’m sure the courts wouldn’t allow it.

FilthyforFirth · 14/09/2024 19:40

Agree with others, you need to go for full custody. You are the only parent providing a normal life for her. Her life cannot be this small when she clearly has people in it who love her and want a relationship with her.

Ex does sound unwell but unless she admits that herself I dont see that your helpless DD should continue to suffer.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:39

titchy · 14/09/2024 19:36

What would you do if your partner didn't let you change a nappy or hold your baby?

Recognise it as severe anxiety/PPD and seek appropriate support.

Sit with partner so we could hold baby together, sit next to partner while they changed the nappy and passed wipes, cream etc entertaining baby. Stroke baby's arms and legs while partner held baby. Played peekaboo while partner held baby. Read to baby while partner held her. Played with baby while partner bathed them, splashing, washing an arm etc etc etc.

Not spend the nights crying then walking out taking other parent court for sole custody.

I tried all of this for 14 months, and trying to shame me for crying isn't very nice. I tried sitting with her, talking to her, asking if she needed help, I made suggestions etc she wasn't interested in any of it. I spoke with health visitor and her family, I walked away after 14 months so that I could be in my daughters life, when she's with her mum she's in the house all day because she doesn't want to share her with any other family, when she's with me, she's with family swimming, pkay centres, meals out etc, playing with cousins, as sad as it is for my ex my priority is my daughter

OP posts:

titchy · 14/09/2024 19:36

What would you do if your partner didn't let you change a nappy or hold your baby?

Recognise it as severe anxiety/PPD and seek appropriate support.

Sit with partner so we could hold baby together, sit next to partner while they changed the nappy and passed wipes, cream etc entertaining baby. Stroke baby's arms and legs while partner held baby. Played peekaboo while partner held baby. Read to baby while partner held her. Played with baby while partner bathed them, splashing, washing an arm etc etc etc.

Not spend the nights crying then walking out taking other parent court for sole custody.

titchy · 14/09/2024 19:32

Gosh, cross post. That is very worrying that when with Mum they literally only go to nursery.

I'm pretty sure she also goes to the park, supermarket, clothes shopping etc with her mother. And she goes to nursery - that isn't the action of a mother desperate to keep her child away from everyone.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:28

Lemonadeand · 14/09/2024 19:26

We have friends where the Dad is going through a similar situation. Still with his wife for now but wondering how much longer he can take it. It’s so sad.

It's a sad situation, I stayed to begin with as I was terrified the courts would only grant me weekend access, even though I wasn't allowed any involvement when with ex at least I still got to look at DD everyday, even now not getting to see her everyday kills me but the days I do have with her are wonderful.i hope your friends situation improves.

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Lemonadeand · 14/09/2024 19:26

We have friends where the Dad is going through a similar situation. Still with his wife for now but wondering how much longer he can take it. It’s so sad.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:24

Sara249 · 14/09/2024 19:19

So when your daughter is with you, she spends time with you as well as with her grandparents - both sides? - and yourself and presumably has family friends she sees during this time too, so quite a varied social mix during your 50%?

But when she is with Mum, she literally only sees Mum? What type of stuff do they do together? Would they leave the house much?

I feel so sad for you that it has come to this, but at least your daughter has one stable parent. I echo concerns that she has some mental health issues.

What do her own parents and family make of her isolation?

I wonder if it might be worth raising this with nursery and letting them know confidentially of your concerns, particularly on days when it is Mum’s 50% - you could ask that you are given a call if ever daughter is unexpectedly not brought to nursery etc? If Mum didn’t inform
you of an A&E trip, might be worth asking nursery if they could keep you across any concerns they observe?

She rarely takes DD out, but DD tells me about things she does at home with mum, so I do know that she does indoor activities with her, such as baking, drawing, etc. I make sure she goes to things such as swimming, play centres, etc, when with me but can't join her up to any clubs as ex won't take her to them. Her family are sad about her isolating DD from them and have tried to speak to her but ex will only go visit her family on the days she doesn't have DD, my family are equally as upset as they really liked ex and are sad about the current situation.

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Dutch1e · 14/09/2024 19:23

titchy · 14/09/2024 19:14

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

On the basis of what? Pre-school kid is going through a clingy unsettled phase - she's only just 4 - kids do that. Kid goes to nursery, she isn't isolated while in her mother's care. There's absolutely no evidence of anything that would suggest she is planning a moonlight flit.

Have you talked about school applications yet?

Only based on the information OP has shared here, especially about mum not feeling comfortable with her then-partner (OP) doing any of the care for DD.

There may be a huge unrelated chunk of information we are not privy to, but I am taking the post at face value.

What would you do if your partner didn't let you change a nappy or hold your baby?

Sara249 · 14/09/2024 19:23

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:18

Nursery is the only time she gets out of the house whilst in her mother's care. This is a whole other issue. She wants to home school DD and I'm against that as it will just be more isolation for DD, there's no valid reason to home school her as she's very social and enjoys nursery.

Show quote history

Gosh, cross post. That is very worrying that when with Mum they literally only go to nursery. It feels like this will get worse I’m afraid to say, and I echo comments that it might be worth looking at full custody - is there a way one parent can stop the other parent from home schooling otherwise?

Sara249 · 14/09/2024 19:19

So when your daughter is with you, she spends time with you as well as with her grandparents - both sides? - and yourself and presumably has family friends she sees during this time too, so quite a varied social mix during your 50%?

But when she is with Mum, she literally only sees Mum? What type of stuff do they do together? Would they leave the house much?

I feel so sad for you that it has come to this, but at least your daughter has one stable parent. I echo concerns that she has some mental health issues.

What do her own parents and family make of her isolation?

I wonder if it might be worth raising this with nursery and letting them know confidentially of your concerns, particularly on days when it is Mum’s 50% - you could ask that you are given a call if ever daughter is unexpectedly not brought to nursery etc? If Mum didn’t inform
you of an A&E trip, might be worth asking nursery if they could keep you across any concerns they observe?

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:18

titchy · 14/09/2024 19:14

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

On the basis of what? Pre-school kid is going through a clingy unsettled phase - she's only just 4 - kids do that. Kid goes to nursery, she isn't isolated while in her mother's care. There's absolutely no evidence of anything that would suggest she is planning a moonlight flit.

Have you talked about school applications yet?

Nursery is the only time she gets out of the house whilst in her mother's care. This is a whole other issue. She wants to home school DD and I'm against that as it will just be more isolation for DD, there's no valid reason to home school her as she's very social and enjoys nursery.

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titchy · 14/09/2024 19:14

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

On the basis of what? Pre-school kid is going through a clingy unsettled phase - she's only just 4 - kids do that. Kid goes to nursery, she isn't isolated while in her mother's care. There's absolutely no evidence of anything that would suggest she is planning a moonlight flit.

Have you talked about school applications yet?

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:10

Dutch1e · 14/09/2024 19:04

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

Speak to a lawyer and ask them what the process is for ensuring a possibly-unstable parent can't become a kind of flight risk.

Show quote history

That's helpful. Thank you

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titchy · 14/09/2024 19:09

He hadn't even held her by the time she was 14 months old. How much longer should he have waited?

He should have done something much much earlier. Cuddled baby together, shared bath time, both fed baby etc. And a lot of health visitors aren't much good so just accepting things based on one health visitor saying she seemed ok seems somewhat remiss. If his account of the first year is true it seems pretty obvious she had some quite severed PPD.

However that water is now under the bridge.

RosiePosiee · 14/09/2024 19:09

@matt08 I feel so sorry for you. It must have been awful. I think you should investigate going for full custody

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:07

RosiePosiee · 14/09/2024 19:05

He hadn't even held her by the time she was 14 months old. How much longer should he have waited?

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Honestly I didn't just walk away, I tried so hard, I spent many mights crying in bed about not being able to even hold my baby, I spoke with the health visitor who said she was fine and had no worries, ex just seems to have this obsession of her and DD being be friends and having this perfect mother daughger relationship that led to me not even getting a look in, i ran out of options and had to make the hard decision of leaving the person I loved just so I could be involved in my daughters life.

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Chillimuma · 14/09/2024 19:06

RosiePosiee · 14/09/2024 19:05

He hadn't even held her by the time she was 14 months old. How much longer should he have waited?

Show quote history

Yes that’s a long time but I just feel there should have been many attempts at calmly talking it through ‘dd is both our child, I will look after her keep her safe / learn how to do things your way at the beginning / do things together / she would never get hurt / I will take excellent care of her etc etc etc’ I would go on til the cows come home

RosiePosiee · 14/09/2024 19:05

Chillimuma · 14/09/2024 19:03

Awww this all sounds incredibly sad. I know you don’t want to hear this OP but I mainly feel for your ex. It sounds like something flipped for her mentally when baby was born and now she’s very protective and anxious. I wonder if there was any way you could have worked this through other than splitting up. Then you could have both seen your daughter lots more together. I just feel so sad for you all

He hadn't even held her by the time she was 14 months old. How much longer should he have waited?

Dutch1e · 14/09/2024 19:04

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:01

I wouldn't say a best friend or anything like that, but I do know she has some ladies she goes for coffee, meals with, etc. Health visitor has spoken with her etc and says she has no worries, I've tried speaking with her but she's not inrested in hearing anything I have to say, I feel powerless as to what is best for me to do.

Show quote history

It hurts my feminist heart to say this but I think you need to quietly lay the groundwork for full custody.

Speak to a lawyer and ask them what the process is for ensuring a possibly-unstable parent can't become a kind of flight risk.

Chillimuma · 14/09/2024 19:03

Awww this all sounds incredibly sad. I know you don’t want to hear this OP but I mainly feel for your ex. It sounds like something flipped for her mentally when baby was born and now she’s very protective and anxious. I wonder if there was any way you could have worked this through other than splitting up. Then you could have both seen your daughter lots more together. I just feel so sad for you all

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:01

Dutch1e · 14/09/2024 18:57

This is a real long shot but does your ex have any friends she truly trusts that you also get along with? If she is obsessive about DD to the point where DD's life and your ex's life are going to be negatively impacted, could a gentle word from someone with her best interests at heart help the situation?

Based only on this thread, it sounds like the poor woman is in a really bad place and as frustrating/scary as it feels for you, it might be equally scary for both her and DD, and probably won't get better on its own.

Edit: I don't mean to say that compassion should override your rights to parent your daughter. I'm just looking for low-key ways to help you find peace of mind before it gets legal and brutal for full custody by having her painted as mentally unfit (which may end up being the only option)

Edited

I wouldn't say a best friend or anything like that, but I do know she has some ladies she goes for coffee, meals with, etc. Health visitor has spoken with her etc and says she has no worries, I've tried speaking with her but she's not inrested in hearing anything I have to say, I feel powerless as to what is best for me to do.

OP posts:

FuzzyDiva · 14/09/2024 18:58

If she moves away, go back to court to ensure that she has to facilitate all the travel time for your 50% and that her school needs to be local to you to ensure that your equal time continues without your daughter being too tired to be with you during the week. Basically, if she moves you need to ensure all of the inconvenience for it is on her and not you or your time with your daughter.

Dutch1e · 14/09/2024 18:57

This is a real long shot but does your ex have any friends she truly trusts that you also get along with? If she is obsessive about DD to the point where DD's life and your ex's life are going to be negatively impacted, could a gentle word from someone with her best interests at heart help the situation?

Based only on this thread, it sounds like the poor woman is in a really bad place and as frustrating/scary as it feels for you, it might be equally scary for both her and DD, and probably won't get better on its own.

Edit: I don't mean to say that compassion should override your rights to parent your daughter. I'm just looking for low-key ways to help you find peace of mind before it gets legal and brutal for full custody by having her painted as mentally unfit (which may end up being the only option)

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 18:53

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/09/2024 18:38

If your ex tries to do this you can apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent a move (I would strongly suggest mediation before going down this path). However, if you have a court order already, as you describe, and she tried to alienate and prevent contact then she would be in breach and the court would take a very dim view. Do you have support?

Luckily for now, she is reluctantly sticking to the court order. I have a lot of family support and also the support of exs family as I take DD to visit them as ex very rarely does, I'm just worried that she will take off one night and I wouldn't even know about it.

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