Page 3 | Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

matt08 · 2024-09-14T17:23:56+00:00

Hi. I am a single dad looking for some advice on my current situation with my daughter and her mum, i apologise if its in the wrong area etc, im new, I hope this is okay. I share 50/50 custody of my 4 year old daughter with her mum, I ended the relationship when DD was 14 months old, I did this as my ex would not allow me anywhere near my daughter when we were together, I never got to hold her as a newborn, I never got to pick out any clothes for her or give her a bath, read to her etc, anytime i picked her up she would be taken out of my arms and i would angrily be told that babies need their mum. I thought it would get easier as she got older but by the time she was one years old I still had barely held her, my ex wouldn't part with her for even 5 minutes, refused to put her down, constantly on her hip, I tried to do bedtime, bath time , nappies, walks but was told no on every occasion, if I walked in to the room and tried to engage with or pick up DD she would quickly be swooped away. I realised that the only way I would ever get any involvement in her life was if I ended the relationship and got some form of custody, by time time DD was 2 years 10 months old I had 50/50, when I had DD I will allow facetime and send pictures if wanted, these are very much wanted by my ex, but on her time I'm allowed none of this, she didn't even let me know when she had to take her to A&E. Now the problem I am currently having is that over the last 3 weeks when dropping DD off to her mums she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again, I'm very worried about this, ex can't stand sharing her with anyone, she just wants it to be her and DD, she doesn't even take her to visit her family, I don't know where DD has got this idea of never seeing me again, I'm incredibly worried ex has put this in to her head, I'm worried she might plan to move away with her, I can absolutely see her just taking off one day and moving miles away, maybe not even telling me. Has anyone any experience with this? Is it allowed? Is one parent allowed to just move away. I have a great relationship with my DD and it would destroy me to be apart from her, I very much want to be on friend terms with my ex but she's not inrested, I always give her updates of DD, I'm happy to change days for birthdays, mother day etc and even though I'm not required to pay any maintenance I still transfer her a monthly amount, i do eveything i can to make this an easy situation, I'm now left fearing I'm going to loose my daughter, and if she does end up being moved away how I would still have a relationship with her.

titchy · 14/09/2024 20:30

This is not something we have tried. This is helpful advice. Thank you.

How did you manage to get the current court order without mediation then? It's compulsory to attempt or get mediator approved exemption from.

RawBloomers · 14/09/2024 20:30

Chillimuma · 14/09/2024 20:07

I think you would have to be absolutely heartless to go for full custody. This is the desperate mums worst nightmare and possibly the root of all her anxiety. Which I agree is misplaced and she hasn’t handled it well. It could absolutely destroy her.

50:50 sounds like the best of both worlds, a bit of mum and a bit of dad.

I think you’d have to be heartless not to consider it. It’s exceedingly sad for the mother, but no one can help her if she isn’t willing to get help. The child is far more vulnerable in this situation and unable to help herself. Leaving her with someone who is not acting in her best interests is not something a good parent should do if they can avoid it.

LocalHobo · 14/09/2024 20:27

I don't understand why you are financially supporting your ex as you have 50:50 care. It seems that you, with your extended support backup from both sides of your DD's family, will provide the best upbringing for DD. Maybe going for full custody will be the shock ex needs to get the help she clearly needs.

Icanttakethisanymore · 14/09/2024 20:25

Chillimuma · 14/09/2024 19:06

Yes that’s a long time but I just feel there should have been many attempts at calmly talking it through ‘dd is both our child, I will look after her keep her safe / learn how to do things your way at the beginning / do things together / she would never get hurt / I will take excellent care of her etc etc etc’ I would go on til the cows come home

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Maybe he did try that… say, once a week, for a year???

Whattodo112222 · 14/09/2024 20:24

I think you're possibly conflating two issues here. I completely get the fear but the court work on an evidential and best interests of the child. If you have no actual physical evidence of your ex wanting to move away the court won't grant a PSO.

Your ex, however reluctantly is sticking to the Court order.

You're conflating the fact she doesn't want to be on friendly terms with you with the fact she's a potential flight risk and potentially catastrophising that she's ready to take off with your daughter.

The court see it as having an equal relationship with both parents as being in your daughters best interests, going for full residence when there's no abuse or neglect is only depriving your daughter of a full relationship with her mother, especially as you have no physical evidence.

Why don't you just work on continuing to reassure your daughter you're not going anywhere, its common for children to have separation anxiety.

Barney16 · 14/09/2024 20:15

This is very sad. If you haven't already check the timeline for school applications. It will be on the Local Authority website. I am taking this post at face value so would be concerned that your DD seems to feel she may not see you in the future. It may be just a general anxiety but perhaps your exw has said something to her. So take some legal advice. Start the ball rolling soon.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 20:15

Noseybookworm · 14/09/2024 20:11

This sounds like an awful situation 😞 your ex's anxiety is going to have a detrimental effect on your little one's development if she is isolating her from other people, it's very unhealthy. I would get some legal advice now about schooling and your worries about her taking off with DD. It doesn't sound like your worries are unfounded. Please think about applying for full custody. And if you have to go to court, possibly push for a psychiatric evaluation of the child's mother.

It's a horrible situation. If I need to go back to court, then I'm going to need to financially stop supporting my ex to the extent that I am, as I can't afford to do both.

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Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 20:13

Yousay55 · 14/09/2024 20:08

It definitely sounds like a mental health illness & health visitors are not the best at spotting this.
If, what you say is true about your ex, it sounds like she needs support. What have you done to help her?

I tired for 14 months to help her and have continued to try and have a discussion with her she's not interested, I've gotten her family involved etc she just wants to be alone with DD, I doing evything I can but my priority is my daughter, its difficult to help someone who doesn't want help

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Noseybookworm · 14/09/2024 20:11

This sounds like an awful situation 😞 your ex's anxiety is going to have a detrimental effect on your little one's development if she is isolating her from other people, it's very unhealthy. I would get some legal advice now about schooling and your worries about her taking off with DD. It doesn't sound like your worries are unfounded. Please think about applying for full custody. And if you have to go to court, possibly push for a psychiatric evaluation of the child's mother.

Yousay55 · 14/09/2024 20:08

It definitely sounds like a mental health illness & health visitors are not the best at spotting this.
If, what you say is true about your ex, it sounds like she needs support. What have you done to help her?

mellowfell · 14/09/2024 20:08

This is such a sad post, clearly your ex has mh issues and I'm worried about what will happen to her if you do get full custody. Her whole world has become your dd to the most extreme and for her to lose 50:50, it's so sad. I feel for her and your dd but with things the way it is, it's not in your dd's best interest to live like this. I hope everything works out.

Chillimuma · 14/09/2024 20:07

I think you would have to be absolutely heartless to go for full custody. This is the desperate mums worst nightmare and possibly the root of all her anxiety. Which I agree is misplaced and she hasn’t handled it well. It could absolutely destroy her.

50:50 sounds like the best of both worlds, a bit of mum and a bit of dad.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 20:03

Pieandchips999 · 14/09/2024 19:57

Did you ever try mediation? If she's going to school next year you'll need to apply to school soon so you need to resolve that one. You could write to her saying that you want to consider mediation because of this issue and your daughter's recent anxiety about being apart from you. You could explain not having communication is making you concerned about any moving plans and specifically we've in putting in writing that you don't agree any moves that would affect the shared care. Is there anything in your previous order about not moving away? But overall she can't just relocate without your agreement. I'm mainly suggesting you write about mediation because it gives you a non confrontational way to put in wiring you don't agree with her moving. It's a really sad situation but not an obvious one where they would suggest sole care to you.

This is not something we have tried. This is helpful advice. Thank you.

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TwinklyAmberOrca · 14/09/2024 20:03

You will need to apply to a school this year so I would still do the application. Check the deadline for these.

Your ex clearly has MH issues and it sounds like home schooling could be a really bad choice for your DD and not in her best interests.

I'd also be looking at pushing for full custody if she insists on home schooling.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 20:02

RawBloomers · 14/09/2024 19:59

She doesn’t get to decide schooling on her own. If you can’t come to an agreement between you about your DD’s schooling (and I agree with others that homeschooling sounds like a very poor choice for your DD) then you can apply to the court for a specific issue order. If you can afford it, legal advice would be valuable on this but you can do it yourself, there is a lot of information online about what forms you need to complete and how to construct your argument for the court. I highly doubt a judge would side with your ex on this. The legal issues board on MN has a couple of good lawyers on it who can be really helpful.

Has your DD just turned 4? Most 4 year olds in England and Wales would be in school now. Wondering whether your ex has been trying to make homeschooling more likely by avoiding applying?

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We are in scotland. Yes, she's only just turned 4

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mrssunshinexxx · 14/09/2024 20:00

Go for full custody this does not sound healthy she's going to do some mental damage to your daughter over time
If not already done

RawBloomers · 14/09/2024 19:59

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:48

I fear that's her plan, to use home schooling so she will be required to be with her more, unfortunately it looks like i will need to take it back to court if we can't agree on school.

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She doesn’t get to decide schooling on her own. If you can’t come to an agreement between you about your DD’s schooling (and I agree with others that homeschooling sounds like a very poor choice for your DD) then you can apply to the court for a specific issue order. If you can afford it, legal advice would be valuable on this but you can do it yourself, there is a lot of information online about what forms you need to complete and how to construct your argument for the court. I highly doubt a judge would side with your ex on this. The legal issues board on MN has a couple of good lawyers on it who can be really helpful.

Has your DD just turned 4? Most 4 year olds in England and Wales would be in school now. Wondering whether your ex has been trying to make homeschooling more likely by avoiding applying?

Pieandchips999 · 14/09/2024 19:57

Did you ever try mediation? If she's going to school next year you'll need to apply to school soon so you need to resolve that one. You could write to her saying that you want to consider mediation because of this issue and your daughter's recent anxiety about being apart from you. You could explain not having communication is making you concerned about any moving plans and specifically we've in putting in writing that you don't agree any moves that would affect the shared care. Is there anything in your previous order about not moving away? But overall she can't just relocate without your agreement. I'm mainly suggesting you write about mediation because it gives you a non confrontational way to put in wiring you don't agree with her moving. It's a really sad situation but not an obvious one where they would suggest sole care to you.

Sunshine1500 · 14/09/2024 19:55

Why ?

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:55

RandomMess · 14/09/2024 19:53

I wonder if you can get a prohibitive steps order both to prevent homeschooling and to stop her moving DD away.

I think it's worth investigating so you can apply for her reception place on time etc.

Thank you. I will look in to this.

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Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:55

Sunshine1500 · 14/09/2024 19:53

The child is 4, it’s proven early years are so important to have a main caregiver. She has many years to develop, she’s 4. I’m not saying mum isn’t wrong but the dad shouldn’t be having full custody. It should stay split. You say yourself that mum has kept to plan so no reason to take back to court yet.

I'm going to need to go back to court to ensure my daughter is given the chance to go to school and not home schooled by her mum

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Sunshine1500 · 14/09/2024 19:53

The child is 4, it’s proven early years are so important to have a main caregiver. She has many years to develop, she’s 4. I’m not saying mum isn’t wrong but the dad shouldn’t be having full custody. It should stay split. You say yourself that mum has kept to plan so no reason to take back to court yet.

RandomMess · 14/09/2024 19:53

I wonder if you can get a prohibitive steps order both to prevent homeschooling and to stop her moving DD away.

I think it's worth investigating so you can apply for her reception place on time etc.

Original poster

matt08 · 14/09/2024 19:48

NOTANUM · 14/09/2024 19:46

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read here.. I don’t know about full custody but I’d definitely be ensuring that she isn’t home schooled. That would destroy your 50:50 arrangement and I’m sure the courts wouldn’t allow it.

I fear that's her plan, to use home schooling so she will be required to be with her more, unfortunately it looks like i will need to take it back to court if we can't agree on school.

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Sunshine1500 · 14/09/2024 19:48

No he doesn’t need to go for full custody.