Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

Oh dear, hour ex is very mistaken if she really believes this will be the outcome of her behaviour.

Once your daughter is old enough to fully understand what has been happening, she might find she loses her altogether.

But I do agree that when it comes to the ex’s family it’s not actually his call to make

The ex sees her own family without the child, which can mean a number of things, including that the family isn’t good news but she hasn’t gone LC/NC for whatever reason but wants to protect her child from them and everything in between to there not being any issues with the ex’s family’s behaviour.

I’m NC with my family, my mother doesn’t even know I have a child, so I’m not being naive.

Wow, big jump. Are you projecting? I can’t see these lines you mention. Should we quadruple guess every post on here? Because there’s no point engaging if we’re just going to cast serious doubt on what the OP is saying when we have no evidence of it.

I don't think you should go for full custody.

1. Your daughter has, by your own admission been very attached to her mother and she would likely find much less time with mum traumatic.

1. Your DD has a normal life and activities with you. I think that balances out things.

I think as she gets older DD will naturally start pushing back against mum's excessive control. I don't think it's going to go well for mum, once DD wises up. You have to be patient and wait for DD to start developing her own sense of self. With you in the picture to facilitate this, I think things will naturally work out, and DD will realise you are sane parent. Resist the temptation to try and control or manipulate the situation to your advantage now. I have seen this time and again when good parent tries to jump the gun because witless parent isn't correct, the children grow up actually wanting to understand the witless parent more because they haven't been given the opportunity to work it out for themselves.

Regarding homeschooling: I can see why you're concerned, but again, you can mitigate this if you still have 50/50 and can take DD to social activities. In fact you can participate in the HS by joining all the online Home school groups and taking DD to them and joining the activities and outings. This might be read as cooperative with your ex. Might.

You might tell your ex you will agree to HS provided you can also be fully involved.

It's interesting that you describe the situation as bring extremely dysfunctional. Presumably going by two previous posts here of first hand experience, your ex has a real mental illness that is untreated and that you are concerned is detrimental to your DD, but you have only ever discussed this with one Health Visitor and never attempted to contact social services, or her doctor or anything else. Instead you broke up with your ex, presumably putting your DD entirely at her mercy whilst in the house. That is strange to me. I cannot see a mother ever doing that. Most mothers would stay for the sake of the child or take their child with them and get them entirely away from the father or report to SS. So I can only conclude that the situation isn't actually as severe as you describe and she is reasonable to a degree.

As you are in Scotland you have a bit of time because registration for P1is in February . generally most kids go to catchment school unless you specifically make a placement request but it may or may not be granted. Just check which is nearest school to both your addresses

I’m glad it’s not just me that thought it was odd that he was facilitating contact with his EXs family.

I know several people who have chosen to go low contact with their parents/ siblings for what they feel are good reasons. My exH in fact chose as an adult to do so with his father, whilst I do not fully understand his reasoning, I accept that I do not have his lived childhood experience. It would be very undermining (and confusing for the DC) if I started facilitating contact with our DC and his father. This to me is one of those posts where I would love to hear the other sides version of events.

@Chillimuma

ehy are you assuming there wasn't????

I'm pretty sure she also goes to the park, supermarket, clothes shopping etc with her mother.

How are you sure? Not heard of online shopping? This little girl’s home life with her mother sounds unhealthy.

You’re right overstepping boundaries - sounds horrid for your ex.

I'd be really concerned by the talk of home schooling if she's already trying to isolate her from her family, especially after what she did tp you. This is actually sounding very disturbing.

My DH's mother was like this. With all 3 of her sons. Enmeshment. She isolated them from their dad who tried hard to see them, but she'd cancel his visits and poison them against him. She'd sulk for days if they came back happy having seen him. It was only at 35 when his dad got sick he found the letters he had sent his mum had hidden. She isolated them from wider family. She kept them off school. She never let them have friends over and they were all so codependent they lived with her well into their 30s. When I met DH, he had secretly started therapy and had left her and cut contact. His mum would call with an emergency everyday when she found out about me. She was like that with his brothers' partners too.

We suspect she has BPD. But whatever it was, she ruined her children's lives because she never got treatment and was so isolated from people and family no one could talk her into it. His dad told me how hard he'd tried to get them away from her but failed and wished he's gotten full custody but hadn't realised how bad it was at home. No one did. Women like this will never get better without treatment and frankly your daughter's health matters more than your ex. Maybe it's separation anxiety but given the history and the isolation - it's likely your ex has severe problems that won't just improve on their own. If you can, get custody - a happy child is one who grows up with an emotionally healthy and balanced parent who prioritises their well being. Not a parent who uses them as a shield against the world.

Didn't realise OP was in Scotland - fair comment regarding the need for mediation then.

You are ridiculous 🤣

Nope you're wrong. It's not mandatory in Scotland.

That maybe true as well, titchy.

It may also be that he was an abusive arse who refused to change a nappy, fucked off with the OW, took her to court for 50/50 and is painting a picture of instability (despite the lack of actual evidence) to get full residency.

Read between the lines people.

Does your ex work? Sounds like it as your daughter is in nursery. The mom may or may not have anxiety, it might he something else like a personality disorder.

I have a just turned 4 year old in England who has just started school. They have gone from happily going to sleep on their own in their own bed and sleeping all night to refusing to sleep in own bed, struggling to get to sleep and waking at least twice. I’ve also got a clingy child who wants carrying everywhere. All was fine a few weeks ago. In my case I think it’s starting school but with four year olds it can be anything. So I wouldn’t read too much into the clingyness and are you only hearing about what she does with her mum from your daughter? If you ask mine what they’ve done it’s a long way from what we actually did.

Definitely go for full custody, with the view of going back to 50/50 once your ex has addressed her issues.

Whether it's a mental health issue or not and you getting full custody will affect your ex, it's damaging for your daughter and this outweighs anything else.

As her parent you have the responsibility of looking out for your daughter's best interests. Homeschooling in this situation will turn your daughter into more of a hermit.

To answer your question, no, this isn’t allowed. If you have reason to suspect that your ex is planning to relocate with your DD (to a distance that would change contact arrangements) then you should make an application for a c100 (prohibited steps order) to prevent her moving your DD. However, unless there’s information missing from your posts, I am not sure how successful you’ll be simply based on your daughter struggling with the handovers, and your views on your ex. I think your DDs reaction isn’t that surprising with 50/50 shared care at that age. Obviously it’s great that she gets to spend lots of time with you both, but imagine even as an adult if you were moving to a different house every few days / week, you might well struggle to feel settled at times.

Could it be that perhaps you are now very anxious about losing your daughter, due to your ex’s behaviour when you were together? As surely if she was planning to do this without your knowledge then the last thing she would do is tell your daughter this early, and risk her telling you (or nursery) and therefore allow you the opportunity to stop her via the courts?

How much do you actually know about Scots family law?

I think your relationship with ex’s family is important here. You say your ex will see them without DD and they feel similarly isolated from their grandchild?
I think the homeschooling is the hill to die on, as it’s bringing everything to a head. Can you speak to ex’s family and discuss how you can all approach this with her? Is there any chance of all getting through from a place of concern for her ?
I’m sure she’ll feel attacked and defensive. But I’d try to find allies and “evidence” in this situation to demonstrate it is unhealthy, ideally to your ex who could seek help, but worst case if not courts etc.

I agree with this.

She’s 4 this is a really common age for separation anxiety and regression. I see it in my class all the time. She’s probably just going through this.

I don’t see any safeguarding issues or flight risk hints, I see two parents that just have very different preferred parenting styles. I hate to say it but she doesn’t owe you her friendship, and if she doesn’t want to share her daughter with anyone on her time then leave her to it.

She’s clearly getting that social interaction and familial connection when with you. That’s fine, and more than enough at 50% of the time and with nursery too.

You have PR so you have every right to take the schooling issue to mediation then court and see what they decide. Maybe there could be a compromise, forest school for example? Home schooling with day camps and groups? You both have a right to put forward your views on the matter.

If these things occurred to you why don’t you think they wouldn’t have occurred to OP, the father and partner?

Would you have made the jibe about crying to a woman who has been denied the right to hold her baby for 14 months by the father?