Worried my DDs mum is going to move her away.

I think people are advocating for the father as the mother's behaviour appears to be very unreasonable and not in the child's best interests necessarily

Anxiety that means that you don't allow your baby's father to hold her for 14 months (and would have been longer had he not left and got 50/50 access) absolutely does make you a bad parent.

And if it was a man who didn't let his wife hold their child for 14 months, this thread would be explosive.

Anxiety doesn't make you a bad parent.

No. Not inherently. Although the ways in which a person behaves in response to that anxiety can.

Op has zero evidence whatsoever that his DDs mother is a flight risk

Again, no, but the ability to appraise situations, infer, deduce and make predictions about possible future outcomes based upon the present situation is a skill taught to primary school children so not necessarily a bad thing either.

It's how adults assess potential risk.

We don't have to wait for the bad thing to happen or not happen. We can mitigate against it.

I agree that some posters get over invested and forget that there are real lives behind the thread but I also think the OP has enough concerns for him to realistically consider this might happen.

Op has zero evidence whatsoever that his DDs mother is a flight risk and posters are encouraging him to go for a full residence order.

Anxiety doesn't make you a bad parent.

I think it would be best for the child, and helpful for both parents, to bring the anxiety levels down on both sides. If both parents are anxious it's no surprise the kid is clingy.
There is a lot of catastrophising here about homeschooling and moving away based on nothing much at all. If the kid is already in nursery (not compulsory) it's not all that likely the mother won't agree to send her to school.
If a mother has the kid 50:50 plus nursery, it makes sense she wants to do stuff with her at home the rest of the time, it's not like the kid is locked in the attic. As the kid grows up she'll ask for playdates and stuff, but she is young for all that yet.
If a child that age sees her anxiety makes the parents anxious, it will make her more, not less anxious. It's important to relax around the child.
Best course of action is probably to schedule a time to discuss schools. If that goes well, all good. If not, schedule a meeting with a mediator. It's way too early to discuss court, and probably unnecessary.

I don’t think people are advocating that dad has ‘full control and take a child away from their mum’, a couple of people have said he needs to prepare for this possibility, based on the mum’s very concerning behaviour.

Exactly. This thread has been unusual in that it's taken a while for someone to doubt the father's story. Usually the "I'd like to hear the other side of the story" post arrives in about five minutes, when a man posts about the mother of his chld.

A mother's story is barely ever questioned.

Of curse there are two sides to the story. There are as many sides to any story as there are people telling it.

That could be said of every single thread started on here.

When.women post about their hsubands, do you also doubt the veracity of their accounts?

She has shown herself to be the heartless one?

this is only based on OPs perspective here. I seriously doubt everything is exactly as he has described and I’m sure there are two sides to this story

It certainly isn't for his daughter though. Any 'nightmare' the mother experiences is of her own making. she has shown herself to be the heartless one in this relationship.

This. It's not in the best interests of the child.

Plus based on what is written here he would never get it.

You really need to right this hard, homeschooling in this situation has disaster written all over it. Your ex sounds incredibly unwell.

i have a former friend who did similar with her two kids - became incredibly obsessive and wouldn’t let them go anywhere or do anything. Switched to homeschooling. The kids are now hitting teenage years, never leave the house and have been diagnosed with a whole hoast of stuff. I’m no professional but I’d wager FDIA for that friend (Munchausen by proxy).

Whatever you do, keep your daughter in school, it will be so much healthier and more balanced for you.

Also anyone upthread criticising you for crying or “not working it out” really needs to give themselves a shake. They’d never criticise a woman for doing what you’ve done.

Well done for doing what’s best for your daughter and not staying in an abusive marriage (because yes, it was abusive).

mumsnet and so many of you advocating for the dad to have full control and take a child away from their mum. There is no signs apart from a typical 4 year old struggling with having 2 homes (dad decided this) and going to nursery . Anxiety at change over is normal and a 4 year old hasn’t developed enough to explain or Understand their feelings. It also sounds like parents are anxious too, so no wonder.

mum might want to spend all her time with her child when she has her, but this is also okay if she’s in 50/50 care and at nursery .
We know the importance of having a main caregiver with a developing brain and how it impacts the child’s development in to adulthood.
there will no damage done to this child from spending the first year of her life with her mum.
it’s really sad she couldn’t share with the dad and I do sympathise and It does sound like he tried. But it’s 50/50 now and there’s been no sign of it not working. except dad thinking she might homeschool and he should to go straight to court.
it will be a lot worse to fight in court at age 5 about full custody. Imagine as a mum if you lost custody of your child. I honestly can’t believe this thread.

I would go to court for full residence and e/o weekend contact with mum. She still needs a relationship with her mother Sorry this does not sound healthy

The OP is painting it as pathological, not merely clingy, but it doesn't chime with her allowing the child to be in nursery. Neither nursery or school is compulsory.

"she's been very upset, crying, being clingy, saying she doesn't want to leave me and saying she will never see me again, she's developed a fear that she's not going to see me again,"

In OP's situation, that would concern me. Separation anxiety is one thing, but I'd be concerned about where she's got the idea that she'll never see him again.

OP, I wonder if it's be possible to have a gentle conversation with her about why she was upset last time you dropped her off, and why she thinks she wouldn't see you again?

I doubt social services would see a very clingy mother as a serious and immediate enough risk for them to be involved. The bar is pretty high.

OP, while I understand your concerns I'd park the worries about her moving away until/unless you hear anything a bit more concrete. I would, however, start the ball rolling on school choice. The clock is ticking on that.

You mentioned earlier that you are paying your ex some form of maintenance. Can I ask why? Does she not work?

An extremely sad post. You need to go for full custody as the mother appears to not be acting in tge best interests of the child.

In the meantime the school situation needs addressing sooner rather than later.

You'd really just accept NEVER holding your own child!

Normal life? Normal life varies greatly from family to family. The child goes to nursery, and spends half her time with dad, she's not stuck inside with mum all the time. This is just a different approach to parenting. It is also fine for a parent not to want their child to spend time with particular people for their own reasons - rarely would a court grant grandparents access to a child, for example, because it's up to parents to decide what they want/who they want foemr their child. She may well have good reason to keep her parents away that the OP is unaware of.

The odd thing here, I think is that the health visitor doesn't think there's an issue. Because clearly if the OPncouldn't get to hold his child in 14 months, something is wrong. The key will be getting the diagnosis to be able to move forwards with full residence. Only a good solicitor is going to be able to help with that.

I would suggest keeping a diary of a things said, date, time, context as it will all merge intothe same thing if not careful. Voice concerns with nursery. Speak directly with the GP. Get your concerns on record. But I think if your daughter is meeting milestones, is generally happy, you are going to have an uphill struggle to gain residence.

Yes the “being best friends” is entirely inappropriate. Post above about pp’s DH’s mum with BPD isolating her 3 sons and pp’s DH going NC after coming out of the enmeshment is very relevant here.

my own mother didn’t want to be a parent but wanted me to be her bestie. Very unhealthy and confusing dynamic for a child.

Yes for all we know she orders everything online and never goes to the park.

I think you should stop doing that. It's her choice if her family are involved.

I'm pretty sure she also goes to the park, supermarket, clothes shopping etc with her mother.

Based on what?

I'm not saying you're wrong but what have you based this on?

I would consider contacting social services