To introduce DS to my boyfriend?

2 years - because I think this is when the honeymoon vibes can start to wear off and you begin to see what your partner is REALLY like (often pretty different and worse than they seemed at the start).

You need quite some time to establish that the relationship looks likely to last (and don't ignore any red flags that crop up).

I wouldn't. It's really tough on kids when they bond with a parental figure then lose them. I'd leave it. Review in a year. But definitely don't force it.

If your son said yes to meeting him, you would go ahead and do that.

Your son has said no, why can't that be accepted?

Yes he's the child and doesn't get to dictate what you do, however you.asled the question, he gave the answer that he wanted to and your now questioning whether to do it. You should never ask a question if you're going to disregard the answer.

It's been 10 months and sounds like you've not spent much time together. Are you both wanting to the children to meet so you can get more time together or because you feel its going somewhere?

I would explain and work with my son to understand that there is a need for everyone to compromise and that his reluctance and wishes will be listened to but ultimately do not trump the needs of everyone else. To throw the question back what would you do? expect a single mother never to have a relationship again? Sorry you are not being realistic.

You asked, he answered.

What was last relationship? What do you mean by sudden? How old was he? Did you live together?

On what's been said that's the issue. He has seen his mum hurt. He has been hurt.

I'm married, but I have loads of parent friends. At that age did it need to be more than that?

You dont ask 10 year olds, you tell them.

If you ignore his wishes now its worse than never asking him.

So what's your advice. Give him a little more time and force this man Upon the child all because the mother has needs? Who is thinking of the child here?

This. He has clearly said no. Sorry but I think if you are a parent then your child comes first. There have been 2 men who have walked out, that leaves deep scars and he is only 11. How unfair to keep bringing men into his life because of your needs. 10 months is like 5 minutes. What is the rush? If your son needs however long then that's your time line.

What's the point in asking him if you're not going to listen to him? It's so important to respect his wishes. It seems like he is understandably hurt by men walking out of his life why would he want more of that.

I would allow a little.more time maybe get through xmas. You do need to.move ur.life forward though and DS should not be allowed to dictate who you see and have a relationship with. I do not agree with the thought I see on MS quite often that a women with kids should never see a man until.the kids are adults.

Your son has said no, respect that.

if you’re still together in a year, readdress the situation then.

This is a very difficult line to walk: I have been here. I introduced my daughter to my now partner at around a year and very slowly increased their contact. We now live together but it’s been nearly seven years.

FWIW if I can offer advice it’s this: listen to your child’s concerns and fears acutely. Be incredibly sensitive and respectful of their needs from you. Be prepared to back off from the relationship or the integration of the relationship if you have the slightest doubt. Reassure your child constantly that they are your primary priority. Take it as slowly and cautiously as you possibly can.

But: don’t present it to your child as a choice. It’s not and its patronising and destabilising to them to present it as such. Firstly because you are the adult and it’s up to you to protect them. Secondly because it’s not their choice and they know that.

A child cannot and should not dictate their parents relationships and should never feel that it is in their gift to do this. But they should have absolute confidence in your ability to put them first.

''@Dweetfidilove

Your son thinks he's been here before, so it's understandable he doesn't wish to form another connection. He probably fears a third round of abandonment.
If you both respect his wishes, it's possible he'll be more cooperative in time to come. And if he isn't, you can conduct the relationship away from him.''

This!

OP if you look at it from the point of view of your son in his short life he has already seen your two main relationships end abruptly and no longer wants to get attached to anyone else.

10 months is nothing and there is no guarantee that this is not going to be another short term thing.

Your son will probably come around if he sees that the relationship lasts.

It would be a bad idea to try to push to blend the families at this stage by the way. It sounds to me that your boyfriend is pushing for an introduction to the children on both side simply because he wants to get rid of the nuisance of having to meet outside.

Bluntly, I don't think that is a good enough reason to rush everything.

I'd say it was acceptable when your son is open to the idea.

My daughter was adamant I wasn't having a boyfriend ever and she wpuld never meet one between the ages of 7 and 13.

So I dated but not seriously and never introduced her to anyone.

When she was 15, she was more than happy to meet my boyfriend (now fiance) and it was actually her who asked if he could move in with us.

Your son won't feel this way forever but only if you take notice of his feelings now. He has no need to meet your boyfriend. He is irrelevant to your son as my boyfriends were irrelevant to my daughter.

Inclined to agree. DS is just protecting himself and doesnt want to lost his mum to a nasty man again but you 2 just having clandestine get togethers isnt sustainable.

10 months is quite a long time to be honest.

On here there can be a prevailing school of thought that mothers shouldn't even date if their kids don't want them to, and that you have to have known someone about a decade before you even consider what you have a "relationship".

I waited a year to introduce my daughter to my now husband, and that was too long really - it made it much more fraught and momentous than it needed to be.

As long as you aren't introducing this guy and saying "here is your substitute father, you are now to call him "daddy"", what possible harm can it do to let them have a quick casual meet up at a McDonalds or something?

Above all, please do not allow your son to believe he can dictate your relationships. To give a child this amount of power over adult decisions (or even the allusion of this kind of power) is extremely damaging. He's a kid and you're his mom. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your life. It's not like you are about to make him move in with this guy .....

And if he says again he doesn't want you to have a boyfriend, ask him why he wouldn't want you to be happy in this way? 11 may not be old enough to make decisions about an adult's life, but it's plenty old enough to be able to consider other people's happiness as well as his own. Reassure him, of course, that he will always be your priority, that you aren't about to expect him to regard this man as a parent or spend every waking hour with him etc etc.

Presumably she planned on staying with the last boyfriend and look how that turned out

DS will always say no. If you plan to stay with your boyfriend then introduce him. You were daft to ask your son his opinion. Just grow some backbone and do it.

You asked him about the possibility which means that no is a legitimate option to that question.

Don’t force an introduction or you’ll ruin your relationship with do. It would make your life easier if he’d meet and accept bf but the best that you can do is date bf out of your home and hope that he comes round in a year or so. He’s only just found out so going from knowing to meeting is too soon.

Your son thinks he's been here before, so it's understandable he doesn't wish to form another connection. He probably fears a third round of abandonment.

If you both respect his wishes, it's possible he'll be more cooperative in time to come. And if he isn't, you can conduct the relationship away from him.

If he has only just found out about the boyfriend then he is still processing that. He needs the chance to see that the boyfriend isn't negatively impacting on his life and time with you and to get used to the idea. He hasn't had 10 months of knowing about this, give him time to get his head around it.

Easy. Don't introduce them.

Is it short though when your child has been very upset by a previous relationship ending.

What if Op introduces this one and everything is great and in 3 years this relationship fails?

Should Op then introduce the next one after 10 months because she will be later in life than she is now, so it’s even shorter then?

and who says Op is later in life? She could be late twenties.

10.months is not short at all later in life. I was married in less than that. Neither of us had kids though.

But it sounds like your son needs a bit more time due to past experiences. I'd tell him you won't introduce him before Christmas but sometimes next year, you'd like them to meet.
On a practical level, it can't be covert forever.