To cut my sister off for this?

Going against the grain here - she could have texted you ‘Hi sis, sorry to hear xyz, thinking of you’ that would acknowledge you; her actions are dismissive and therefore hurtful. Also wonder why your other sister keeps feeding her your updates - does she like playing the pair of you off? Instead of being the go between she could calm the waters by telling her you’d really appreciate a brief text.

I'm thinking maybe your sister is very much aware of how you think of her and felt awkward or nervous about directly contacting you when you were having a bad time. Her asking others how you're doing is a sign of her caring, not necessarily being nosey.

If you both hadn't spoken for years, I could see this and you do seem to hold a lot of animosity towards her.

If you truly want to rebuild the relationship then you'll need to let go of all the pettiness that's in the past. If you don't want that, that's your choice but leaping straight into thinking about cutting her off for this is too much.

as to the actual question, should you cut your sister off?

have you thought through what that really means? That means you don’t see her ever again. It means you don’t go to Christmas, graduations, weddings, because she will be there. It means distancing yourself from your family extended family because this one person is so bad you can’t be in their presence.

it’s normally something people do with individuals who are dangerous or abusive.

with a situation like yours, just let the relationship be what it is. You don’t have to be especially close. You can still manage to be polite when you see one another. You can talk occasionally if the mood strikes.

You were going through a stressful time and the two of you had a fresh relationship that had not really been put to the test yet. I personally think she made the right decision by staying back and giving you some space. She got updates through family because she does care.

I feel bad for your sister in this situation.

Jeezo you sound like hard work. Your poor sister has done very little wrong.

Not everyone wants that type of close relationship. Tbh your type of ‘closeness’ seems suffocating and unpleasant to navigate lest you put a foot wrong. No thank you.

Personally, if I was going through something the last thing I would want is multiple people contacting me in the name of ‘caring’. I would absolutely want to be left alone to process until I was ready to reach out, and I would appreciate those that allowed me that space.

That isn’t what you want, fine, but it doesn’t read like your sister had bad intentions here at all. You seem like you’re itching to start a fight though.

This just feels really hard work. Don’t’cut her off’ and make this a drama. Just stop making every contact with her such a big deal.

I think this sums it up nicely.

I think you’re being massively overdramatic about it and that’s probably why she hasn’t contacted you since.

You’re not close so she felt another message to reply to would stress you out more than it would help. I would have thought the same in her situation

You’re now making a massive deal out of the fact she didn’t handle it the same way you would have and that’s making it awkward for her to communicate with you

I've got a few younger siblings - big age gap and haven't had anything to do with them since they were kids. That's near,y 30 years ago now.
They have kids, I don't, but I don't really care what they tell them about me because I don't want a relationship with them either.

Just like your sister doesn't want a relationship with you.

It’s hard to know without knowing the exact situation but your post makes you sounds like a drama queen if I’m honest. There’s no need to cut someone off for not being super close. Just accept the relationship (or lack of) for what it is. You wish each other well but don’t need to be in constant contact. That’s fine.

This.

Why can't you just carry on as you are?

What would a 'cut off' involve? How would it be of benefit?

Ask yourself a very hard question. If she was seriously ill, maybe even dead, would you support her, would you go to her funeral?

Whatever you think you will do will determine whether or not you actually want to have any kind of relationship. Petty grievances, whether real or suspected can be so toxic, and are extremely upsetting for other family members who have to pussyfoot around whatever is going on. You don’t have to see each other much, you don’t have to text, message or even take an interest in each other much, just be polite and civil if you can. And using other family members to be a go between, passing on this, that or the other really isn’t the best way to create harmony.

My brother is more like your sister and I actually really appreciate the way he is. I hate people fussing and I'd have hated everyone asking me all the same questions, what's going on etc. He knows that if I need anything then I'd reach out to him.

People are different and it sounds like you and your sister are different, you've got to stop expecting her to act the way you do. Neither of you two are wrong, just different.

You even had to say it twice.

Are you hoping she will be reading this? If you are then your snide comments backfired.

I was getting this impression too.

I think you need to relax and just accept it for what it is. It sounds like neither of you particularly like each other.

You only get one family. If you don't want to awkwardness, and for everyone else's sakes, can't you just be laid back and accept that you can be kind and open to each other without needing to be close?

Stop trying to force something, it's making it worse.

I don't know why we didn't get on as children, I used to think she was annoying but so did everyone else.

OP you come across as being cruel as fuck. This sentence says everything about you, and not your sister. Grow up.

@Hoardasurass you are probably spot on.

My guess is that the sister couldn’t be arsed with OP’s drama and wqnting family to pick a side. Trying to make her the black sheep. I don’t blame her.

If you were really happy with how your relationship is with your sister, you wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

She also doesn't sound "cold as ice" or like she doesn't care, it sounds like she knows she can't live up to your standards so she finds it easier not to bother.

I don’t think she sounds cold at all; she wouldn’t have cared enough to check up with your family if she hadn’t cared. And after a ten year estrangement, it could have appeared like she’d just been wanting to involve herself if she’d contacted you. She probably thought you’d be too stressed and worried to deal with her contacting you.

Just accept that you are very different people who see things differently and who react differently. Stop expecting her to feel the same way you do about everything. Send her a card at Christmas and text her on her birthday. If you see her at a family thing, smile, ask her how she is and tell her it was lovely to catch up with her. And that is all it needs to be. There’s no need for any declarations of a feud, or ‘I’m never talking to you again’.

You’re both adults, so bloody grow up, because you sound like a pair of 8 year olds at the moment. ‘Mum, she looked at me funny, I hate her’ 🙄

And her excuse of not reaching out makes no sense to me, so if her friends or other family members are going through something she's not going to reach out because other people have reached out and she doesn't want to stress the person out?

Because when a bad thing happens it can often be hard for the person affected to deal with the emotions of the other people less affected. A horrible accident happened to my friends a few years ago and I was conscious of not making them deal with my emotions about it. Although I did offer support.

And even if that's how she really felt, why not reach out now that she knows how I feel? This is why I say her excuse does not make sense. It's just an excuse to me.

Because now it's all got awkward and blame is flying around and it feels like she's only doing it because you told her too and that feels funny.

@Hoardasurass I think you could be spot on.

@nosisterlybond You really don’t have a relationship with this sister, so just leave it like that, no point in making it official.

I don’t get on with my brother, he was particularly awful to me when dm died 13 years ago, to the extent he tried to get something she had specifically left in her Will to me and was shouting threateningly down the phone at me and was also particularly awful to my dd. He also tried to challenge her Will because of it, which obviously wasn’t successful.

I think I saw him twice, maybe thrice in the following 9 years at family events, but we didn’t connect. When my dh died 4 years ago I saw him at the funeral (but we didn’t speak). I have only seen him once since then, where he tried to re-kindle a relationship. However as far as I am concerned it was too little too late. I don’t have a relationship with him (but I haven’t officially cut him off as that takes energy), and that suits me fine.