Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at friend

60 replies

Shesnotelectric · 13/09/2024 22:52

First time posting sorry if it’s long!
Been friends for few years and quite close. Meet up quite often (weekly/fortnightly sometimes more) usually at events as we have a mutual obsession.
About a month ago arranged to meet friend at an event (weekend just gone) arranged for breakfast together as usual all seemed fine.
About 2/3 weeks ago friend went quiet on contact. Didn’t think too much of it as not unusual and he doesn’t always confirm until day before or even on the day which is fine thats how he rolls.
Anyway I get to the event and he is there with a group of mutual friends of ours, went for breakfast with them and was having dinner with them that evening.
I am upset as we usually do this and I am normally included if other mutual friends are going along too but it was as if he totally forgot about me! He didn’t speak to me much other than hello and I haven’t heard from him at all since although he has seen DH and not said theres anything up. I know it’s childish but feel like I have been ‘ditched’
DH says I am overthinking as friend has never done anything like this before and has no reason to.
AIBU to feel upset?

OP posts:
Kelly51 · 16/09/2024 00:10

Did you contact him and he ignored you in run up? or did neither of you bother with txt/msg?

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 16/09/2024 00:00

Kelly51 · 15/09/2024 23:14

For the 3 weeks in the run up
to event neither of you msgd one another and yet you're surprised he was distant. Why did you not send a txt saying see you at 'event' a few days before?
I'd find that odd to arrange soemthing then no contact for weeks.

I think you have misunderstood a little.
It wasn’t about confirming whether we were meeting at the event as we would have both been there anyway it was about that we message a fair bit (usually at least every couple of days sometimes more often) then contact just suddenly stopped about 2/3 before as well as his behaviour toward me at the event.

OP posts:
Mostlyoblivious · 15/09/2024 23:48

It’s sad and upsetting and no you shouldn’t be less upset due to his gender. The dynamic has changed and now you need to talk to your husband and work out how to navigate the situation going forward. Hopefully your friends feelings is just a phase and reflective of what’s missing in his life or as opposed to having completely fallen for you and he’s preparing to blow his world apart.

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 15/09/2024 23:33

andfinallyhereweare · 15/09/2024 22:56

The very very first thing you do is tell your husband and then you distance yourself. And maybe examine your feelings for him. Why were you so upset about being cut off?

speak to your husband and then distance. If you don’t tell your husband it will look bad when and if he finds out from someone else.

Show quote history

I am upset because he is a close friend and someone myself and DH are in contact with almost everyday! Should I feel less upset because he is male? I don’t understand I would be just as upset if he was a girl!

OP posts:
Kelly51 · 15/09/2024 23:14

For the 3 weeks in the run up
to event neither of you msgd one another and yet you're surprised he was distant. Why did you not send a txt saying see you at 'event' a few days before?
I'd find that odd to arrange soemthing then no contact for weeks.

andfinallyhereweare · 15/09/2024 22:56

Shesnotelectric · 15/09/2024 22:35

So he finally contacted me after two missed calls from me.
He admitted to getting drunk a few weeks back and telling a mutual friend that he has feelings that he shouldn’t about me. He is now worried mutual friend may blab to the whole group about it and obviously we are both married.
How the hell am I supposed to handle this?!
It’s not a case of simply cutting him off as will still have to be in close contact as he is the manager of a club one of my children attend and I am involved in the catering department. I don’t feel it would be fair to pull my child out and the nearest other club is 2 hours away!

The very very first thing you do is tell your husband and then you distance yourself. And maybe examine your feelings for him. Why were you so upset about being cut off?

speak to your husband and then distance. If you don’t tell your husband it will look bad when and if he finds out from someone else.

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 15/09/2024 22:35

So he finally contacted me after two missed calls from me.
He admitted to getting drunk a few weeks back and telling a mutual friend that he has feelings that he shouldn’t about me. He is now worried mutual friend may blab to the whole group about it and obviously we are both married.
How the hell am I supposed to handle this?!
It’s not a case of simply cutting him off as will still have to be in close contact as he is the manager of a club one of my children attend and I am involved in the catering department. I don’t feel it would be fair to pull my child out and the nearest other club is 2 hours away!

OP posts:
FairyQueen39 · 14/09/2024 17:24

I'd like to add my two cents here and agree with others that there's obviously been something said to him. Behaviour seems odd and doesn't make sense otherwise, from what you've described. I'd leave him be until you can talk to him face to face and then, hopefully, go from there.

LittleMonks11 · 14/09/2024 10:34

It might - seems like something's been done or said on one side or the other.

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 14/09/2024 10:18

LittleMonks11 · 14/09/2024 09:50

Have you gossiped about him and it's got back?

No I don’t gossip I never pass on anyone else's story/problem I am known in the group as the agony Aunt they tell me anything as they know it never goes further. It never has and never will.
Your comment has made me wonder if he has said something about me though and is worried other mutuals might say something?
Would that make sense?

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 14/09/2024 09:50

Have you gossiped about him and it's got back?

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2024 07:38

It could be as simple as he had a dream about you and felt awkward but it will all be normal in a few days. If not just ask him. He sounds like a close enough friend you could broach it with.

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 14/09/2024 01:30

thursdaymurderclub · 14/09/2024 00:35

i'm going to stick my neck out here and i suspect that you think there's more of a friendship between the 2 of you than there actually is, and he's been polite in the past, but your attention may have become a little overwhelming now, and its been commented on by other members of the group and he's distancing himself?

Doesnt make sense as he is generally the one that asks me to go. If me or DH is in need he is generally the first to check in on us. He has a very good relationship with our children we have spent weekends away as families together he takes my youngest places (others are late teens but will go to the pub with him) we do all the usual friendship stuff so i dont think our friendship would stand out
hope that makes sense!

OP posts:
thursdaymurderclub · 14/09/2024 00:35

i'm going to stick my neck out here and i suspect that you think there's more of a friendship between the 2 of you than there actually is, and he's been polite in the past, but your attention may have become a little overwhelming now, and its been commented on by other members of the group and he's distancing himself?

skyandocean · 14/09/2024 00:06

Someone has said something to him, that's why he went radio silent and ignored you. Ask him

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 14/09/2024 00:02

thursdaymurderclub · 13/09/2024 23:39

well as you are such good friends, and you are clearly upset, then i suggest you contact him and have it out! you clearly do think there is an issue or you would not have asked the question.

have you had contact with him since this last event? does he appear 'normal' again?

Show quote history

I probably should have worded the post better. I suppose it is more of a question as to why someone would suddenly cut me off like that 😔 he is normal with DH hasnt said anything to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 13/09/2024 23:58

andfinallyhereweare · 13/09/2024 23:36

To take a guess and just a guess as your both in relationships with other people this sound a bit like emotional affair territory. Maybe his wife or him are uncomfortable with the way the relationship is progressing and he’s taking a step back?

the fact you’re so upset about it hints that it’s more than friendship even if you’re not aware.

I see where you are coming from but definitely not more than friendship. we never spend time alone together we are either with spouses, children or mutual friends or all of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 13/09/2024 23:54

thursdaymurderclub · 13/09/2024 23:39

well as you are such good friends, and you are clearly upset, then i suggest you contact him and have it out! you clearly do think there is an issue or you would not have asked the question.

have you had contact with him since this last event? does he appear 'normal' again?

Show quote history

no contact since but will see him next week at another meet up.
I much prefer to talk face to face so will ask him then.

OP posts:
thursdaymurderclub · 13/09/2024 23:39

Shesnotelectric · 13/09/2024 23:31

No if there is an issue usually I wouldn’t need to he isn’t exactly shy about telling someone there is a problem thats why Im struggling to understand his behaviour.

Show quote history

well as you are such good friends, and you are clearly upset, then i suggest you contact him and have it out! you clearly do think there is an issue or you would not have asked the question.

have you had contact with him since this last event? does he appear 'normal' again?

andfinallyhereweare · 13/09/2024 23:36

To take a guess and just a guess as your both in relationships with other people this sound a bit like emotional affair territory. Maybe his wife or him are uncomfortable with the way the relationship is progressing and he’s taking a step back?

the fact you’re so upset about it hints that it’s more than friendship even if you’re not aware.

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 13/09/2024 23:35

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

No

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 13/09/2024 23:35

You need to ask him what the problem is.

Original poster
Shesnotelectric · 13/09/2024 23:31

thursdaymurderclub · 13/09/2024 23:28

have you asked him?

No if there is an issue usually I wouldn’t need to he isn’t exactly shy about telling someone there is a problem thats why Im struggling to understand his behaviour.

OP posts:
Alalalala · 13/09/2024 23:30

Well he’s behaving like an arse. Text and ask him.

Baldyheed · 13/09/2024 23:29

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.