My DH is overly concerned about his colleague

Atypical Behaviors for Him:
+Over-frequent contact with OW
+Confiding and mutual support
+Overt concern for her well-being
+Carte blanche availability
+Mentionitis

@Yiu124, your H has opened a window to this colleague and boundaries are blurring. They are gaining a huge amount of mutual validation from their Rescuer/Damsel dynamic, which has led to increasing emotional intimacy and reliance. It sounds like she is always on his mind, and an EA is developing in plain sight.

In Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass describes how primary relationships are threatened and damaged when a partner weakens his/her boundaries and channels an abundance of emotional energy into a third party, resulting in an emotional affair or more. Both of you should read it.

Be proactive in expressing your valid discomfort, @Yiu124. Your H is playing with fire on a dangerous path. Feeling needed is naturally flattering and gratifying, but their dynamic is too close and interaction too intense for a married man. A serious discussion is warranted regarding keeping strong boundaries in general and with OW in particular. He needs to understand that he has much to lose if he doesn’t rein it in asap and keep a healthy distance.

Sounds like he's just being nice to a colleague. However if this is a constant issue rather than just an occasional blow off steam thing then she could be making a damsel in distress play for him. He may suddenly find himself faced with a very interested woman who may not like being rejected. I'm not saying the colleague is doing that but it is a possibility if she has found a willing ear.

That could put you and your DH in a precarious position professionally and personally, he really needs to consider how it could affect his worklife and homelife. Also it is entirely unfair for your DH to have to put up with her stresses. If it is down to work she needs to get a hold of herself and talk to those who can actually do something about it. If it's private life stuff your DH should signpost her away from him and be less available for her. It cannot be helping him hearing about her problems morning noon and night. It won't stop without him doing something she won't stop leaning on him without him setting a proper boundaries.

Ask him to stop it now as it's not doing him any good and it's affecting you (it may not feel like it but you have asked the question), he isn't helping her unless he is offering her professional advice and is qualified to do so. She needs real advice not a sympathetic ear if this is going on frequently.

Get a job and your own money.

Why are you not independent in life?

Men will never give you what you need.

Yeah whilst it may be nothing I think it a a bit of a funny one. I wouldn’t like it personally.

What does she look like?

The back end of a bus I'm guessing not

I have that male friend - he is very protective and caring of me. Sometimes he hugs me. We have shared some very personal things but there is zero romance / sexual interest in either direction. The difference though to your husband's situation is my friend has lots of female friends and he would behave in a similar way to his other female friends.

It depends if he would act the same way when interacting with a balding older man in his team or if the behaviour is starting to cross lines.

Yeah, my DH was like that too, so concerned about her. He's now exDH and they're now married with a kid.

I work in a very male dominated environment. I have one male colleague in particular who I have known for years and we get on well.

He is stressed and he rings me to offload - at the moment that can be twice a day. We chat and laugh and confide in each other. It helps keep us sane. We slink off for coffee together occasionally and slag everyone off.

there is absolutely nothing romantic going on. In The slightest😂.

if that helps?

depends on the job and the stress, it also depends hugely on how much you trust each other. You probably need to speak to him, not us.

ask directly , but i wouldn’t overly be concerned, surely we want men to be kind and thoughtful towards other women and must expect that good men can do so without an altering motive. It should be a societal norm for men to care about women and vice versa without attraction coming into it. Be proud your partner is so caring and thoughtful towards colleagues - tell him so encourage his kindness.

It could be nothing but I'd be a bit wary. Some men get flattered by being 'needed' and it can lead to affairs. My dad was in a similar situation. He was a cold person to everyone it suddenly had lots of sympathy for a woman at work, then he had to meet her for drinks when disaster after disaster happened to her.

Does he normally act like this towards women he is not attracted to? If he’s an overall caring guy I wouldn’t be that worried but if it’s out of character for him to give a fuck about women he doesn’t find attractive then yes I’d be worried.

It sounds as though they are getting emotionally close. Worrying if this is out of character behaviour for him with work colleagues.
Perhaps you should be having a conversation about boundaries: that he should be keeping his relationship with her on a professional footing.

I'd keep a close eye on it and his behaviour. I've been in corporate environments for many years and men expressing their concern over how hard I'm working, late hours etc is usually just a way for them to try and tap into my emotional side, in a 'I'm so caring, I could be your knight in shining armour' way. Not saying your chap is doing that but be careful. Maybe remind him just how much he would have to lose if he messes up before anything happens or he carries on getting too involved.

I work in a corporate role & work in the main with only males,we share concern for each others stress and work loads and cheer each other up. They often check. on my wellbeing and tell me about not working late.

I am very happily married and have no interest in any other male. None of these males have ever flirted or shown a romantic interest in me and we spend hours together.

Seems like if you had to write a step one of "I didn't mean to have an affair" it would be this. Slippery slope.

No affair yet but doesn't mean that that's not where this is heading. He shouldn't be getting close with a female colleague, it's obviously making you feel uncomfortable. Trust your gut feeling.

Wary*

I would be weary of that.

Why is she checking his essential emails? Is she in a secretary type position to him?

The cheering up part is just absolutely not needed. I feel that's a bit much.