My DH is overly concerned about his colleague

I can't tell you how to feel but I would be very much discussing it with him rather than accusing him of anything or leaving it by considering it a father daughter dynamic. Whatever anyone says the father daughter, mother son dynamic is often only in the minds of one, not both, in these relationships. I know plenty of people who would keep their occasional fantasies to fantasy while the boundaries are kept to but any blurring of the boundaries like discussing personal issues that suggests she might be available or just needs a hug can send them off in a tail spin, a broken marriage and a situation that had their blood not left their brains to service other organs in that moment, they wouldn't have wanted the situation they end up finding themselves in.

If they are both stressed they are not helping each other only winding each other up. He and she needs time away from work and worries about colleagues to regenerate and be on the ball for their job. If he is stressed could it be because she is stressing him out with her woes or vice versa. She needs help from people who can do something about it, your DH can't do anything and he is not her confessor either. She and he are building a bond here and that would make me consider taking action sooner rather than later.

I'd be trying to show an interest in why he is so concerned about her, how you can both help her, not just him and by this I mean professional advice on her worries not both of you shouldering her problems. That bond needs to be broken between them so they can get back to being professionals and colleagues not dependant on each other for emotional succour. Don't accuse them of anything, try and put a positive spin on it that you are interested in what is happening to them both and how you can help DH set strong boundaries so it doesn't tip into emotional territory

I'd also consider if something is lacking in your relationship that he is looking for elsewhere. There is usually an intimacy or communication worry that causes people to look for someone more amenable, it doesn't necessarily mean they intend to have an affair but it can be how it starts. How can you both work on your relationship to strengthen it? If he is sharing information about your relationship with her, then you need to act now as it is a sign that this is not platonic on his side and he may not yet realise that.

Emotional affairs can affect not just the marriage but the workplace too. Teams and colleagues aren't stupid, they will know something is not right and will act accordingly, they might feel he makes her a priority or they get fed up with hearing all the whining, someone somewhere may complain to HR and then there is a career issue for DH or his work wife in career progression or even gross misconduct. No one thinks about that when they are creating work bonds, I've seen many lose years of their career over a silly crush or a complaint from someone who is hurt.

You and he need to create a strong boundary about this and ensure he doesn't cross it again. That starts with conversations outside of work hours and conversations about you and your life together ending right now. Use the words "I" rather than "you" when you want to to prevent sounding accusatory, tell him how worried you are for him and offer your support. Ask him if he has any concerns about your relationship, don't mention the work wife on that one, ask that seperately. It is too easy to say things like "you always put them first so stop it" rather than "I want to be there to help you because I am worried about you and I love you". This helps to keep commnications open so it doesn't drive partners into the arms of a colleague.

I think so yes. Tell him she shouldn’t be interrupting family time in the evenings or at weekends. Why would he disagree?

Is it personal offloading or work offloading?

This is how people get emotionally involved when it starts turning personal it's gone too far.

I think the reality is that men can sometimes feel a little more over protective towards women than men. If a male colleague was having a tough time he'd probably be supportive but in a more hands off way. When it's a woman he's probably being a little softer in his communication because he's been socialised to communicate to women in a more gentle way.
Let's be honest, if he started saying to another bloke "You take care of yourself. I'm worried about you" then everyone would take the piss and think it's weird. It's just not how blokes talk to each other in this country.
So yes, it's natural he'd speak to a woman differently. Of course, he might fancy her, but he also might not!

If he is in a stressful role, where he needs to unload to you, he shouldn't be taking on her stresses too, that is unhealthy. I am not staying he should offer no support, but it sounds a bit OTT.

I wonder where that phrase comes from?

Is it the shape? Big bum?

I do the same with a colleague but the other way round. His mental health is shaky sometimes (he's also a bit negative) and needs to feel supported.

I don't tell him he cheers me up though. He certainly doesn't!
I'm 20 years older than him and not remotely interested.

I'd love to believe that the majority of men can be caring, kind and not at all interested sexually. However, you've mentioned that he's never been like this before with colleagues, however miraculously now an attractive female colleague needs support he's game for that role....

Id definitely be wary,

^ sadly this was my thought as well.
WFH doesn't stop an emotional affair developing or infatuation or love. Hopefully not , only you will know if he's a genuinely lovely and caring man who manages female friends without getting romantically invested, but I'd be wary.

When my EXH had mentionitis it turned out to be an affair. He started booking odd half days off, coming home late, taking calls in his car or walking out of the room, sudden interest in buying new clothes. Textbook.

Are the discussions all happening in work time or have they fed into none work time? Chats after work would be a red flag for me.

Yep, feel like I’ve seen many threads identical to this one, and it’s never some struggling middle-aged male colleague who suddenly and inexplicably becomes the focus of their interest and obsessive concern, and gets an open invitation to call at nights and weekends!

Funnily enough, it always seems to be younger women who bring out the hero in them (even though it’s usually portrayed as ‘mutually supportive’) - and there’s always people on here rushing to explain it away as him being ‘fatherly’ or ‘caring’.

Sorry, OP, but I can almost guarantee the thoughts and feelings your DH is developing towards this colleague are not remotely ‘fatherly’, no matter how much he may try to kid himself, and you.

Yes this, or Doris in her 50s from Accounts.

This would get on my nerves.

I agree. @Yiu124, you say he ‘comes home’ and offloads/talks about OW’s stressful week, so he is out of the house some of the time. A reasonable assumption is they can easily have alone-time together during lunch or before/after work.

Hmm. He appeared to respect your feelings, but the distancing was short-lived and now their contact has ramped up. He likely missed the KISA gratification and has made it his priority. His disregard of you speaks volumes.

@Yiu124, there’s a 3rd person in your marriage and you don’t have to tolerate that.

Is there a big age gap? Maybe he is being fatherly / paternal towards her? If not, it could be the woman is an oversharer. I am like that and men at work have been kind and felt sorry for me in the past. It wasn’t a romantic thing, more a protective thing because I was going through really hard times and leant on them a bit in terms of them listening to my problems. You can get close at work because you spend a lot of time together and have work things in common.

You sound pretty naive op.
Just because he wfh doesn't mean a there's nothing going on.