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Original poster

My DH is overly concerned about his colleague

131 replies

Yiu124 · 13/09/2024 22:13

My DH works in a stressful job. He often comes home offloading. He has a few peers at work he’s friendly enough, but lately, he’s become overly invested in his female peer work stresses. They are in stressful situations- I get it, and they offload. But they are chatting a lot. She checks some of his essential emails. I often overhear him telling her to look after herself, that he’s concerned about her, not to work late, and that she cheers him up. Is this normal? Corporate environment for context

OP posts:
Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 13:40

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2024 13:39

Did you post this a week or two ago. Its almost the exact same post except this time you have omitted that he tried talking about work to you but you don't want to listen?

Not me. I do listen about his work but obviously as person that has her own career and responsibilities, I can’t be there to listen all the time.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2024 13:39

Did you post this a week or two ago. Its almost the exact same post except this time you have omitted that he tried talking about work to you but you don't want to listen?

coldcallerbaiter · 15/09/2024 13:33

Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 10:03

But that’s what I think. Yes, a few odd comments like she cheers him up and he’s there for her, but friendship could just be that.
Or am I naive? Why is he so invested?

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Because he is the one that is interested, she may not be. If attractive women went with every guy that fancies them, they’d be really busy.

Realistically how attractive is your dh. Because if he is not great to look at, I doubt she’ll go for it.

Hydenseek78 · 15/09/2024 13:33

This is the definition of an emotional affair.
An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship. They usually begin as friendships and are usually characterized by a great deal of contact with one another, devoting a lot of time texting, emailing, or video calling this person, if you have some exciting news to share or you have had a particularly bad day, they are the person you call or text. You believe this person really “gets” you. Emotional affairs may begin with conversations about work and other topics but they often shift into more intimate details about your life, relationships, personal issues, and even your sex life.

From your post this is what your describing. You should be worried. Emotional affairs have nothing to do with actually being in the other person's presence but it can and nearly always moves into a physical affair or a collapse of a marriage. I would talk to husband and tell him you think he's investing too much of his emotional energy on her that should be on you and your children. That your not comfortable with it and would like him to scale back his interactions with her as its going to start harming your marriage. The ball is in his court then.

coldcallerbaiter · 15/09/2024 13:31

Pop the bubble he is in. Reality check.

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 13:24

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:57

Maybe the two of you could start a hobby together

It’s hard to arrange childcare where we are.

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Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:57

Maybe the two of you could start a hobby together

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:56

Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:54

He works Long hours, so when he's not working, he prioritises the children and spends time with them. He wouldn’t want to miss out on the kids. He’s an introvert, too, and only gels with some people.

Perhaps he could socialise one evening a week/month when they are in bed or take up a hobby that involves the children so he could meet other parents. Regardless, it would take up more of his time that could be spent wondering if work colleague is alright etc and chatting on phone? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:54

He works Long hours, so when he's not working, he prioritises the children and spends time with them. He wouldn’t want to miss out on the kids. He’s an introvert, too, and only gels with some people.

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Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:51

Is there a dads social group at your kids school on WhatsApp or something - do they get together locally at all do you know?

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:51

Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:49

No, he doesn’t have many friends.

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It’s a bit more difficult then, but also perhaps more understandable. I’d say maybe encourage him in a hobby, but that could open a whole new can of worms depending on what it is - if it eats into the wknd etc, but it sounds like he could do with expanding his social circle?

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:49

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:47

Does he have many friends? Is she perhaps filling a social gap of being someone he can chat to that isn’t you? We all need someone else to vent and offload to. A lot of men find this difficult - even to each other - but it’s easier to speak with a woman as they are generally more empathetic and listen etc.

No, he doesn’t have many friends.

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Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:47

Does he have many friends? Is she perhaps filling a social gap of being someone he can chat to that isn’t you? We all need someone else to vent and offload to. A lot of men find this difficult - even to each other - but it’s easier to speak with a woman as they are generally more empathetic and listen etc.

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:47

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:44

I don’t blame you. It’s a horrible position to be in. You don’t want to be giving it any more oxygen than needed and risk making it become a thing if it isn’t already one.

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Yes, exactly. He might have feelings for her…but the chances of acting on those are slim. He adores his children. His parents separated, and he always said he would never do anything to break up his family. So that’s why I am “relaxed” about it.

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Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:45

SarahSosej · 15/09/2024 12:35

I’d be concerned if he was investing too much energy into another colleague.

Yeah, unfortunately, this is how I feel, too.
I am hoping it will fade soon as, frankly, we have a good marriage, and he has always been there for me.

I just don’t get what changed with him to act like this. I will speak to him to get his views.

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Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:44

Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:42

I don’t know about that and I don’t want to be asking.

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I don’t blame you. It’s a horrible position to be in. You don’t want to be giving it any more oxygen than needed and risk making it become a thing if it isn’t already one.

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 12:42

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:34

Something has changed then on her side. Perhaps she is having marital troubles or other stressors within her family

I don’t know about that and I don’t want to be asking.

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SarahSosej · 15/09/2024 12:35

I’d be concerned if he was investing too much energy into another colleague.

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 12:34

Something has changed then on her side. Perhaps she is having marital troubles or other stressors within her family

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 11:06

SweetSakura · 15/09/2024 10:58

And also, infidelity risks aside, it's not a healthy or productive use of work time and headspace. Fine to offer a bit off support but if someone is using up a lot of your time and energy then they need politely redirecting. Ideally to a trained counsellor.

And I say that as someone who was pretty much burnt out after being constantly sought out to support a colleague who found everything stressful.

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I am being transparent now: I think he’s leaving on her more than she’s on him. Over the years, it felt like that. And frankly, I didn’t mind. I am busy with my work, kids, and my issues. It felt like a supportive and respectful relationship. But what’s off now is that she’s heavily leaning on him, and he’s taking it on himself to be there for her big time. Maybe he feels indebted to her as she was there for him. As everyone said, it’s a fine line - but the offers of calling anytime she wants, or she cheers him up are OTT.

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SweetSakura · 15/09/2024 10:58

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2024 10:52

I think there is a difference between supporting your colleagues, and being the main source of emotional support for one specific colleague. If it's about a specific one off issue then that's maybe OK (say she is going through a tribunal and he has experience in that area) but otherwise, its never a good idea to get your main source of emotional support, from someone outside the marriage as its replacing a role that's meant to be within the marriage. The worrying thing for me would be that he isn't like this in general, he isn't the go to person for support and advice, so this is out of the norm for him. If he was that generous with his support in general it wouldn't be raising any red flags. But they are investing massively in each other

And also, infidelity risks aside, it's not a healthy or productive use of work time and headspace. Fine to offer a bit off support but if someone is using up a lot of your time and energy then they need politely redirecting. Ideally to a trained counsellor.

And I say that as someone who was pretty much burnt out after being constantly sought out to support a colleague who found everything stressful.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2024 10:52

I think there is a difference between supporting your colleagues, and being the main source of emotional support for one specific colleague. If it's about a specific one off issue then that's maybe OK (say she is going through a tribunal and he has experience in that area) but otherwise, its never a good idea to get your main source of emotional support, from someone outside the marriage as its replacing a role that's meant to be within the marriage. The worrying thing for me would be that he isn't like this in general, he isn't the go to person for support and advice, so this is out of the norm for him. If he was that generous with his support in general it wouldn't be raising any red flags. But they are investing massively in each other

NewMe2024 · 15/09/2024 10:14

I’ve had this a lot in my paternalistic workplace. Most of the time it is just genuine care for a colleague, but I agree it has the potential to be a slippery slope.

Original poster
Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 10:10

Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 10:06

That’s the point OP. He wouldn’t be saying this to someone who wasn’t female and attractive/younger would he?

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Fair enough. They have been working together for years now, and maybe he’s just been a good colleague to her as she supported him over the years. I don’t know. I am just trying to rationalise his behaviour. He’s not sneaking for any calls or talking about her this weekend for instance.

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Sceptical123 · 15/09/2024 10:06

Yiu124 · 15/09/2024 10:05

But what’s crossing the line? I have close male friends at work, and we discuss all kinds of personal stuff. OK, I don’t tell them they cheer me up or I am so worried about them.

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That’s the point OP. He wouldn’t be saying this to someone who wasn’t female and attractive/younger would he?