It's been hard to connect grandkids to grandparents since school started. AIBU?

As GPs it was quite a transition for us as well when our DGD started school last year.Up to that point we'd been caring for her one day a week (barring holidays) consistently since our DD's return to work after Mat.Leave . We miss those 3 years very much,and appreciate that we'll never get that kind of opportunity again .

DD and DSiL have been concerned about keeping both sets of DGPs in contact since then,and will try to find some opportunity to pop in-if only just for an hour- but not necessarily every weekend,as since starting school DGD's social life has blossomed! I wouldn't dream of expecting them to do anything during the week,nor would I ever hint that we haven't seen them for a while.

Every so often we will have a family Sunday lunch,either at their house or ours,or they'll join us for sandwiches/soup round about lunchtime on a Saturday.

We're mindful that DGD has another set of grandparents too.We are always very happy to see them when we can.One consolation is that the school half-terms seem to fly by very quickly these days and it's never long before we have her back with us for a day or so of childminding.I just wish that the school periods had flown past that quickly while I was still teaching!😆

That's what you need to remind your parents off.
That once you were in school you only saw Granny occasionally and certainly not multiple times per week.

Do you work?
If you worked I'd consider asking them to do wrap around care but other than that no.
I'd certainly not entertain the idea of having them round for dinner during the week.

I assume you have a husband to think about too, would he want ILs rocking up midweek.

It sounds like they need a hobby that doesn't involve you and DGC

This post is quite dramatic

I don't think the OP is being dramatic. I do think that OP's parents are being over-dramatic when they are crying down the phone. The OP doesn't need this emotional blackmail.

Space to see how things grow.

Do you think you’re being a bit dramatic?

They're 20 mins down the road, you either want to see them or don’t.

Crying down the phone! WTF? Your parents are not coming out of this well. Are they always this hard work?

It’s not about them. Your DS is 4 years old, he’s little and needs rest and sleep after school. FFS I’m cross on your behalf. They are behaving outrageously selfishly. Your DS is not there for their entertainment. He’s not a toy.

They need to step back and stop with the guilt trips. Organise some days out for half term so they’ve got something to look forward to. It sounds like a mid week visit right now is too much for him. You probably need to be blunt with them. They need to get some new hobbies and be grateful they see their GC as much as they do, as many GP only see their GC 1-2 times per year

Crying down the phone is ridiculous. You have enough on your plate without that.

Can I suggest "His needs come first." Firmly, on repeat, until they back off.

My DS slept 13 hours at that age, it would be cruel to deprive him of the sleep he needs!

We are now in the full throes of sports activities on both weekend days, one set of grandparents will come and watch then we go for brunch; the other refuses to and says it’s boring. Unsurprisingly, we don’t see them as much as they only want to see us on their terms.

It’s a huge transition starting school, especially with SEN.

We see in-laws one or two weekends a month and see friends/do outings /chill the others.

I'd ask them to come after school maybe once a week then see them one or two weekends

They’re not going to be able to see DC as much as when they were only in part-time preschool, however it works.

I would acknowledge their feelings and appreciate that this is an adjustment for them too but they are adults and their behaviour is incredibly selfish and I would be firm that you need to get him settled and then review. If they love him (which they clearly do) they should want what is best for him. I would have no qualms in saying that but it's easy to comment when it's not me having to do it!

Both sets of GP did a day a week childcare for me pre-school. We never went round after school once he started and it was just accepted as a different life stage. What's normal isn't the same for everyone but I definitely think that's the norm in my experience. If your family works differently that's fine, but I would settle him and then introduce a meal or a pick up a week etc. We make effort at weekends but sometimes we have other plans (as do they).

As an aside, my DS has no SEN or health issues but happily went to bed at a similar time at that age and woke up naturally at just the right time for school. It annoys me that people on here (in general, not just this thread) think that's weird. I'm not an idiot...if he was waking at 4am then I would obviously have adjusted it and if he had fatigue issues in the day I would have noticed and seen GP. Clearly different things are right for different children...same as adults.

Well, your DP are not your DC. You're responsable for your DC and making sure he's needs are met. Since SEN his needs are different that NT children's. Just say that calmly to your parents. Offer them a book on DC's special needs and discuss with them afterwards. If they miss him they need to learn more about him and how they can help him to wind down. Then they can help out with fetching him from school once a week perhaps. But first he needs to adjust to his new environment and if they don't understand that, well that's too bad. Meeting your child's needs must be more important than pleasing your parents.

I see my parents once every 4-6 week ( live 2 hours away) and in laws once every 18 months ( live the other side of the world).
Even if they lived close I'd say it would be once every month max. Between school, homework and activites, we have one free evening a week and one free afternoon a weekend. Throw parties in at weekends ( the last three weekend 2 a weekend) and actually wanting to spending some time as just a family, we dont really have more than one or two free weekend afternoon a month.

You definitely have a grandparent problem. School has barely started. I understand it's a big change but your DS needs to come first. First term of Reception they are often exhausted. Just be a broken record and see them at weekends for now.

My parents are 15 mins away. We only see them after school if they are helping with pick up (once a month or so due to work) or for special occasions e.g. birthdays. We see them at weekends (every 2-3 weeks) and more in the holidays. We often video call after school for 15 mins.

Have you considered going slightly nuclear?

Say it's really stressful and you don't need them making you feel guilty. You know they want to see him and once he's settled in you'll be able to see what's what. Explain it's more intense than preschool. Let them know you're hoping to see them every other weekend or something. But they need to chill the fuck out.

He's only just started. They'll get the hang of only weekends and holidays

Your child’s needs are priority, not grandparents wants. When he’s older he’ll want to play with friends and do other stuff. Then what?

It's early days and reception children are usually tired out in the first few weeks of school. I'd try and see them for a couple of hours at the weekend. Give it time - once he's settled, it'll probably be fine to have tea and play at your parents after school once a week. Make it part of his routine and he'll get used to it.

I get that but I feel like we're not being given space to see how things go

What are they actually saying?
Have you told them you feel pressured by what they are saying?

If they are pushing to see him more then they will have to fit into your schedule. We used to take kids round to one set of grandparents once a week and they would cook us tea. We would take PJs, reading books with us and do bath time at their house and any homework to keep to some routine and early night. The other set would pick up from school and give them tea and bake with them, craft or just watch tv together once a week. We are really lucky having 2 sets close but once school started normal visiting just didn’t work for us unless it was less often and at the weekend. It’s not for long as they stay up later in a few years (but then you are juggling hobbies) xxx