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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Can you just pick this up from the shop on your way back?"

95 replies

Justaskingabitofadvice · 13/09/2024 15:56

My husband is always asking me to pick things up from the shop for him. On the surface of it, sounds like a completely reasonable request, but I find myself getting irritated, because:

  • he's usually home
  • I'm the one who leaves the house more (work, stuff with our child), which means I'm already doing something
  • it is SO often I feel there are very few times I can just come straight home from work/child's activity.

I know that he sees it as I'm already out, so why not just fit in this extra task. Whereas in my mind, he is at home, with more time on his hands as there's no commute, and I'm already the one doing more out of the home activities.

Anyway, I'm genuinely curious as to whether my slight irritation at this is weird or not.

I also do struggle a bit with changing my plans, so that might have something to do with it too.

Would this irritate you?

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 13/09/2024 17:54

Spomb · 13/09/2024 16:03

Oh dear, I say this to my husband all the time! We live in the city, so it’s not like it would take me that long to pop out and get it, but I am working from home, so it makes more sense for my husband to pick it up on the way back from the office.

I don't get that logic at all but am always keen to get home. So being asked to pop to the shop frequently would annoy me.

CoraPirbright · 13/09/2024 17:53

I think it would depend on the ease of parking for you to “just” nip in and get something. Also if the children who are with you are of an age that can be left in the car. If you have to haul toddlers out to do it then it would be a flat no.

It slightly hints to me that he thinks he/his time is more important than you/yours and that you are there to service his needs….

Pictures50 · 13/09/2024 17:49

This would irritate me if it wasn't a one off.
If it involved a detour with children, it wouldn't happen.
My husband has more cop on not to do this.
Start ignoring him and asking him to do more.
Yanbu.

Andylion · 13/09/2024 17:46

OP, does he WFH? If not, why can’t he “just” pick these things up on his way? Or if he does WFH, as others have said, he should go a walk and get them.

Beansandneedles · 13/09/2024 17:45

This wouldn't bother me, but there are other similar examples of imbalances within my relationship which have bothered me in the past. Can't help how you feel, bunch of internet randoms saying whether it would or wouldn't work for them isn't going to change that it isn't working for you. I'm sure if you two chat it out there's a middle ground to be found xx

toomuchfaff · 13/09/2024 17:45

Counter the request, everytime he does it, ask him to do something, put the washing in, take the rubbish out, get the dinner ready, iron a dress, ANYTHING.

When he points it out, say you were doing it to highlight how many times he asks you to do tasks.

CheeseWisely · 13/09/2024 17:44

I hate this but my DH isn't bothered by it at all when it's the other way round. I think it's because our 3 closest convenience shops all have awful parking. I get stressed out by it but he doesn't. If he asks me for something on my way home I'll often drive to a bigger shop with proper parking a couple of miles up the road.

Rightsraptor · 13/09/2024 17:41

My ex-H used to do this when we lived in London, just off a high street. He'd ask where I was going, I'd say to wherever in a northerly direction and he'd say 'can you pop into such & such and get me this thing'. But the destination would always be in the opposite direction from where I was going. Drove me potty.

badsisgoodsis · 13/09/2024 17:38

I work next door to a supermarket if he messages before I leave I don't mind nipping in.if I've set off its tough.

I just say I didn't see it.

Original poster
Justaskingabitofadvice · 13/09/2024 17:32

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 13/09/2024 17:05

What am I missing, why can't he go and get whatever it is he wants?

You and me both! In his mind I think he thinks it's easier for me as I'm already doing something. Some others in the thread agree with him!

Whereas I think, I'm already doing something so don't ask me to do something else as well!

OP posts:
Mumwithbaggage · 13/09/2024 17:31

DH does this too - we are very rural and a Tesco trip is probably 12 miles round trip but still! Fair enough on my way home from work (I pass about 4 supermarkets) but when I'm out meeting friends it really winds me up.

Original poster
Justaskingabitofadvice · 13/09/2024 17:31

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 13/09/2024 17:21

It sounds like you feel like he doesn't pull his weight in general. It would annoy me if I was asked every time I went out though!

I had a former flatmate who would ask little things like that, we figured out in the end she just wanted attention and didn't actually want little things like a tin of tomatoes or to check her hair straightener was off.

I don't think that he doesn't pull his weight, though it may have come across that way in this thread. The relevant bit is that he doesn't do as much "out of the house" stuff as me. He does other stuff, but obvs this bit hinges on me already doing stuff when I'm out and about.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 13/09/2024 17:23

I'd get in first and ask him to 'just' get xyz. See what his reaction is.
But in all honesty, I'd probably just say no, you get it.
Have a word with him, tell him that just sometimes, you want to come straight home.

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 13/09/2024 17:21

It sounds like you feel like he doesn't pull his weight in general. It would annoy me if I was asked every time I went out though!

I had a former flatmate who would ask little things like that, we figured out in the end she just wanted attention and didn't actually want little things like a tin of tomatoes or to check her hair straightener was off.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 13/09/2024 17:05

What am I missing, why can't he go and get whatever it is he wants?

Giggorata · 13/09/2024 17:05

I am infuriated by the phrase “can you just..” because it is invariably used to ask people who are already busy with something else, usually unrelated, to add it to their tasks.
Or it is used at work by a manager for additional workload, unrecorded in supervision. It is meant to signify that it is a small matter, which will not take up much time. This is bullshit.
It is sometimes used by DPs, to intercept people on their way home at the end of a busy working day, thereby adding a completely new layer of work and time.

Grrrr.

Paganpentacle · 13/09/2024 17:04

Yes.
It drives me insane.

buttonsB4 · 13/09/2024 17:01

Give him a chore in exchange, every time.

"Sure, I'll pick up some milk. Whilst I'm doing that, you can clean the downstairs toilet and replace the towel with a clean one."

"You want chocolate? No problem; I'll grab that whilst you do the recycling."

"Yoghurt? Absolutely. The bed sheets need changing, so pop the dirty ones in the wash and replace with clean ones from the drawer. See you at home."

Everyone is a winner 👍

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/09/2024 16:55

Get him to substitute ‘please’ for just…..

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/09/2024 16:53

Point out that it would be a really good idea for him to do it in his lunch break so he takes a proper break from work and can kill two things in one.

Original poster
Justaskingabitofadvice · 13/09/2024 16:51

We're (I'm) pretty organised in planning a weekly shop, and it's usually me getting that too. So the extras are genuinely extra, like he will have thought of something random, or fancy something different for dinner that we didn't plan for.

I think I am pretty sweet in my ways, and I know I like to compartmentalise things in my mind. So I rarely go to a shop at all outside of the weekly shop! Where he's more free and easy.

I just didn't get something he asked for and to be fair to him, he's never annoyed if I don't manage to pick something up on one of these "on your way" requests

OP posts:
DadJoke · 13/09/2024 16:47

I walk past the shop every day and will happily pick up stuff, but I don’t have to drive or wrangle children and carrying shopping is pretty much my only exercise.

Overcover · 13/09/2024 16:41

I go shopping once a week and if it wasn't on the list, it either waits till next week or someone else goes for it, if they want it that badly.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 13/09/2024 16:39

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 13/09/2024 16:04

It really depends on how easy it is for you to pop to the shops.

Do you drive or walk/use public transport? Do you pass a shop? How difficult is it for you to go out of your way if not?

If my DH asks me to pick something up on the way back from the school run it irritates the hell out of me because I walk so I need to go much further out of my way AND carry back whatever he's asked for in my hands or handbag. He's a driver and has no idea how annoying it can be to go out of your way while on foot.

In your case I think I'd just tell him it's not on my way. If it was something small (packet of paracetamol say) and I was walking past the shop, then ok. Otherwise no.

Bjorkdidit · 13/09/2024 16:32

In the circumstances you describe, he should go himself. Sounds like the walk and fresh air would do him good.