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Original poster

Should I fade this friend out?

34 replies

Thepontiacbanditsfurrydice · 13/09/2024 14:21

Be as brutal as you like. Old friend who I love and our kids get on well but she has form for being very flaky with social arrangements. Reproducing what happened below. Keen to hear how others would react.

She and I had suggested meeting up with a third person this weekend. (We have all known each other 20+ years.) She messages us both suggesting dates. I provide availability. Third friend doesn’t respond at all. She chases a couple of times, no answer from third friend.

I message my friend offline saying “shall we just go out anyway without x if she’s not about?” Friend says yes, we decide to go tonight and decide to choose a venue today. I ask my partner to cancel after work drinks so he can be here with my 12 year old gets back from an after school club.

Message her an hour ago to check she is still ok. She responds: “Er, I am around but we didn’t hear from x. Might be too last minute. Shall we just wait until x is around?”

Maybe I am being insensitive but to me this feels like a real slap in the face. It says to me one of two things: “I am really disorganised” or “I can’t really be arsed meeting you on your own if x isn’t around so I won’t prioritise you.”

She has quite a long history of behaviour like this: makes people (not just me) feel that she is always on the lookout for a better (social) offer. She can also be very kind and is very good company but I am a bit tired of this.

I am not a fan of ghosting, blocking and flouncing and I get that life is difficult and people can’t always be held to plans so won’t be doing any of that. But it’s the strong sense of me being used as a social prop which has really pissed me off.

Would I BU to ignore her the next time she tries to arrange something?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thepontiacbanditsfurrydice · 13/09/2024 15:11

I went back and said: “I thought we had agreed to go out just the two of us? It’s a bit annoying because (partner) has had to cancel a drinks thing but not the end of the world.” She came back with an annoying “sorry I thought better to do it with x but I can if you really want to?”

I am not going to press her on it if she doesn’t want to go: going for a drink out of a sense of obligation isn’t a great feeling.

She does this a lot and I have pulled her up on it many times. I think she’s naturally disorganised but it’s the fact she’s basically saying I can’t be bothered making time for you, even though I am actually free, if our other friend isn’t there. It’s pretty insulting.

OP posts:
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 13/09/2024 15:07

Don't ignore her OP. But you do need to address it. This kind of thing pisses me off no end. I would not rearrange anything for her, only give times and dates that you are doing nothing anyway when a cancellation would be easy. Msg to confirm and then on the day confirm again. You could just say sorry for all the double checking but the last few times you had to cancel last minute after I had made arrangements so I need to be really sure. Hopefully that will give her the hint. Good friends are hard to find so you might need to forgive this and work around it so you don't feel let down and angry with her. Ideally you could tell her straight out that it annoys you but I appreciate that's tricky.

If anyone could give insight into why on earth they do things like this please do!

Mary46 · 13/09/2024 15:07

Yes have let friends go due to flaky behaviour. Its not worth hassle planning stuff..

PurpleHiker · 13/09/2024 14:39

I'd ask her why she said yes to meeting up without third friend, if she didn't actually want to meet up with just you. I'd also tell her that your husband has cancelled his plans and you're not impressed with her backing out last minute. She hasn't even given you a decent excuse and has admitted she is actually free tonight. She's flaky because she's allowed to get away with it with no one calling her out on it.

S0CKPUPPET · 13/09/2024 14:35

What @@calibansdream said. If you decide to meet up again, make sure the arrangements are crystal clear and send a text reminder.

“ So we are meeting up at X on Y date at z time. I’ve booked a table. Dp is watching Ds so let’s go out to a club afterwards , I’m keen to make a night of it “.

Then I’d send a reminder a few days before

“ just checking we are meeting up on Saturday at 8pm at X with Emma and Sophie and going on afterwards to XXX club “.

Don’t leave things to the last minute and don’t be vague, if you know what she’s like.

Or stop meeting up if you CBA with her flakiness .

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 13/09/2024 14:30

Flaky friends are rubbish. It's so hard to get excited about anything if you worry you will be cancelled on. Could you slow fade? Also send the message suggested above from @calibansdream

Dulra · 13/09/2024 14:30

Hate people like this and I think most know someone like it. You aren't BU to ignore her next attempt at organising a night out but don't cut your nose off to spite your face if you enjoy their and the other persons company

Itabsolutelyispossible · 13/09/2024 14:30

She asked you a question - "shall we wait till X is around?"

I'd answer that by saying, "no I'd prefer to meet as we agreed, if that's ok with you?"

Then see what she says.

calibansdream · 13/09/2024 14:26

That's really annoying and more so as she said yes to the two of you meeting up and then because she has changed her mind last minute thinks it's ok to mess the around. I have had flaky friends like this and it really pisses me off. I just wouldn't bother organising anything with her. If she does next time, agree to it, but don't change yours or anyone else's plan to do it. Or you could be honest and say 'actually you agreed that the two of us can still go out, so DH reorganised his plans so I could go. Thought we had an arrangement with or without X?' See what she says