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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
Dearg · 13/09/2024 13:04

Op, he will never do the ‘proper family thing’.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/09/2024 13:04

The housing situation is hugely relevant. You must see that it’s an unusual set-up. Whilst he’s got another property, he’s always got an ‘out’ of family life.

I have to say if I had a little pad of my own, I would be sorely tempted to fuck off for an early night when my DH is ill and the kids are playing up. ‘Cheerio then! Good luck with it all!’

It’s never going to work while he’s allowed to just pop off home. It’s laughable. I wouldn’t put up with this in a million years. He’s just part time in family life.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/09/2024 13:03

Also if you are in a relationship why is he paying maintenance. And on what basis is he paying that? How much childcare is he supposed to do

pikkumyy77 · 13/09/2024 13:03

Oh bullshit on the housing situation. He has two children with you! He should have been “on call” for them and living in the same house so he could parent them.

3peassuit · 13/09/2024 13:02

If this is the new improved changed him, what the hell was he like before?

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2024 13:02

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

Fucking hell! Are you sure you want to marry him?

Original poster
Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:02

@Overcover he had early starts and often late finishes and lived next door to his workplace and was often on call. Wasn't just about the finances, which we finally managed to stabilise. But as I've mentioned we were willing to disrupt this for the sake of doing the 'proper family' thing.

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 13/09/2024 13:01

he called you a parasite??? He is the father of your children and things helping with them is optional? Boy, bye!

pikkumyy77 · 13/09/2024 13:00

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

It will never work. I hate ti be crude but a pile of shit that you stepped in years ago is still a pile of shit.

Dump him snd try to work on yourself and your self esteem.

Allfur · 13/09/2024 13:00

He sounds awful

tiktokontheclock · 13/09/2024 12:59

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

You don't live together as it didn't work out previously but now you're getting married?! Make it
make sense. Op leave him.

Sera1989 · 13/09/2024 12:57

You can't marry someone if living together didn't work out! Why would you want to do that??

He won't parent his own children when you need help, he won't sleep in the same house as his kids and he called you a parasite for expecting a bit of help when you're ill! Why are you with him?? He sounds horrible!

pinkdelight · 13/09/2024 12:57

I’m pretty sure the 28% saying YABU have assumed he’s not their Dad!

Or maybe they think the OP is BU in general for this set-up, living separately from her fiance who is the father of her two DC. Logistically it doesn't make sense if he's only 25mins away. Logistically it would make sense to live together so he can parent his children. Financially there's something fishy about it all. Overall he sounds like a useless sod and OP is BU for getting back with him.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 13/09/2024 12:57

If you've only been unemployed a month, how much did he do before then?

Beautiful3 · 13/09/2024 12:57

Honestly, I wouldn't marry him at all. He doesn't help you when you/kids need him. He lives elsewhere and he's calling you names. It didn't work out before, and it's not going to work out when you're living together again. It's doesn't matter if you're a single parent on benefits, it's better to be alone than with him. You'll lose your money, home when you split from him in the future. He is not a good father or husband. Please don't make any more children with him.

angellinaballerina7 · 13/09/2024 12:57

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

Let me get this straight: you’re planning to MARRY a man who can’t be bothered to take care of his children and lives separately from them so he can just pay maintenance? Jeremy Kyle would have so many things to say to him.

Run. He hasn’t changed.

Wakeywake · 13/09/2024 12:55

I thought he was just a boyfriend, in which case helping out would have been nice and supportive, but not a duty. But he's the kids father?? What a nasty piece of work he is. Please don't marry him, OP, you're going to regret it.

Overcover · 13/09/2024 12:54

So your living arrangements are to protect your benefits? I don't know, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me.

yeesh · 13/09/2024 12:54

He’s a piece of shit

Lifeasweknowitisrandom · 13/09/2024 12:53

I voted you were unreasonable until I read he was their dad. Get out while you can OP. Don't get married to this dickhead. It didn't work before and that's obviously for a reason. Never go backwards.

roseymoira · 13/09/2024 12:52

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

It's relevant because he has an easy option to always opt out of family life

NotMyCircusss · 13/09/2024 12:51

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Countingcactus · 13/09/2024 12:50

I’m pretty sure the 28% saying YABU have assumed he’s not their Dad! This sounds absolutely mad. I’m not generally part of the LTB brigade but seriously - you want to marry him?

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 13/09/2024 12:49

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

Sounds like now he has changed back again ....

YABU to carry on with him. He has shown you who he is, raise your bar fgs and dump him rather than put your kids through this "relationship"

GoingUpUpUp · 13/09/2024 12:49

Jesus Christ don’t marry him fgs.

Of course he should’ve fucking been there. Living together or not, if he’s your fiancé you should be a partnership.

Not sure how financially it doesn’t work to live together?