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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
Birdseyetrifle · 13/09/2024 13:21

I know a fair few families that do this and it’s to claim benefits as a single parent. Partner lives ‘separately’ or just has bank account registered at another address and other parent claims benefits.

It’s a great way to bring your children up 🙄

WinnyMoms · 13/09/2024 13:21

Firstly, I hope you're feeling a bit better now.
Secondly this sounds like a disaster not just waiting to happen but that happened and you're going back for round two.
Small kids are hard work and both parents need to be willing to look after them.
All I can suggest is you have a serious rethink about what you do next.

Workhardcryharder · 13/09/2024 13:17

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:14

So your living arrangements are to protect your benefits? I don't know, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me

Not to mention illegal.
And it sounds like he's a police officer.

Am I missing something? Where did it even remotely imply that?

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 13:16

So he never stays over to help you at night?

You say they are 'young' children

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:16

How often does he stay overnight with you?

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:16

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

It doesn't sound like you're ever going to have a happy marriage.

MounjaroUser · 13/09/2024 13:15

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

He's communicating well now, isn't he? He's telling you exactly what he thinks of you and the kids.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 13/09/2024 13:15

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 13:11

Otherwise known as benefit fraud

Show quote history

I think it's only fraud if they're living together.

However, if they can arrange their finances so that it's possible to live together after marriage, I'm unsure as to why they haven't done it so far?

Either way I have a feeling this thread will be deleted at the OP's request.

AnonymousBleep · 13/09/2024 13:15

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:12

Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now. Is he contributing financially too?

Apparently he pays maintenance.

To a woman who he's meant to be marrying.

Yeah I saw the post about 'maintenance.' Which is what my separated spouse pays me, because we're not together (and won't be again). We also live separately, because we're separated. This all sounds really fishy tbh.

MummyJ36 · 13/09/2024 13:15

This is a very confusing situation for your DC. I’m not sure who this is really benefitting but I can assure you it is not them.

MounjaroUser · 13/09/2024 13:14

This is not a man that anyone should marry, OP. He is selfish and puts himself first at all times. That's not going to be good for you or the children.

Original poster
Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:14

So your living arrangements are to protect your benefits? I don't know, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me

Not to mention illegal.
And it sounds like he's a police officer.

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:12

Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now. Is he contributing financially too?

Apparently he pays maintenance.

To a woman who he's meant to be marrying.

Overcover · 13/09/2024 13:12

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 13:11

Otherwise known as benefit fraud

Show quote history

It's not, if he is genuinely living elsewhere. It is odd though.

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 13:11

Overcover · 13/09/2024 12:54

So your living arrangements are to protect your benefits? I don't know, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me.

Otherwise known as benefit fraud

AnonymousBleep · 13/09/2024 13:11

mushpush · 13/09/2024 12:15

I mean the answer is to leave a man who calls you a parasite and leaves you alone to struggle with the two DC you share when ill!

THIS!

OP - so you're the full time parent while he gets to pick and choose when he spends time with his family but otherwise leads the single life? Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now. Is he contributing financially too? Actually, doesn't matter, he's the parasite, get rid!

Gazelda · 13/09/2024 13:10

Is this the life you want for yourself?

He lives separately and behaves as a hands-off father.

He gives you maintenance and presumably leaves you to shoulder the bigger part of the cost of bringing up his children.

It hasn't worked out before.

He lives where he does because its next door to work where he's sometimes on call. He's starting a new job on Monday so presumably the location is no longer next door.

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:09

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:02

@Overcover he had early starts and often late finishes and lived next door to his workplace and was often on call. Wasn't just about the finances, which we finally managed to stabilise. But as I've mentioned we were willing to disrupt this for the sake of doing the 'proper family' thing.

I had early starts and late finishes when I was a community midwife.

I was also on call overnight and frequently had to go to a woman in labour. I sometimes didn't return for 24 hours.

My husband "looked after" our four children at all times. That's what parents do. Even parents who work shifts, or whose wives and husbands work shifts.

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2024 13:08

Op why didn't living together previously work out?

krustykittens · 13/09/2024 13:08

This man calls you a parasite because you ask him to parent his own kids when you are ill?! Don't marry him, OP. He's not worth it.

DancingNotDrowning · 13/09/2024 13:08

Aren’t you embarrassed by your situation OP?

Embarrassed that you have two DC with a man who is so feckless and useless that he he won’t look after his children?

a man so selfish and self absorbed that he won’t prioritise his sick fiancé?

a man so unpleasant that he calls you a parasite?

earnestly, what is the question here? Leave him

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/09/2024 13:07

He called you a parasite, OP.

I was staggered to read that he is actually your children's father.

What are you teaching them about what's ok in relationships? I don't expect him to teach them anything other than 'shocking example not to be followed'.

LBFseBrom · 13/09/2024 13:06

A very odd set up for a fiance, with whom you do not currently live because it didn't work out when you tried, and is the father of your children. Still I suppose that is your business.

Yes he should have returned to look after the children in the evening, he has the weekend to prepare for his new job on Monday.

He doesn't sound up to much, frankly.

I hope things improve when you marry.

Channellingsophistication · 13/09/2024 13:06

Of course he should’ve helped in the evening. He is just as responsible for those children as you are! Its pretty shocking for him to call you a parasite. I would seriously not marry this man- if this is the new improved version of him, he hasn’t come very far.

Why does he need to rest up for a new job? Is he some kind of brain surgeon?

hope you are feeling better