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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 13/09/2024 13:42

You're being taken for a mug. Please dump this useless toad.

Glittertwins · 13/09/2024 13:42

And you're marrying Prince Charming??

IOSTT · 13/09/2024 13:41

Birdseyetrifle · 13/09/2024 13:21

I know a fair few families that do this and it’s to claim benefits as a single parent. Partner lives ‘separately’ or just has bank account registered at another address and other parent claims benefits.

It’s a great way to bring your children up 🙄

Report these families! You can do it anonymously

xILikeJamx · 13/09/2024 13:40

Jesus this is grim. Get rid

Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 13:40

Please don’t marry someone who calls you a parasite. That’s all. I’m sure you can do better.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/09/2024 13:39

This must be so confusing for the children. Their father is in a casual girlfriend type arrangement with their mum.

And seemingly doesn't look after them much. Does he have them for a regular contact routine at his home etc?

Lavender14 · 13/09/2024 13:38

He's showing you who he is op.

Do you want a husband who thinks it's acceptable to call his wife a parasite for asking him to help care for his own children when she's unwell?

It doesn't sound like he brings much to the table that you don't already have covered yourself op.

Starlight1979 · 13/09/2024 13:38

So he basically only ever stays over when he wants an "overnight shag?

How lovely for your children.

Demonhunter · 13/09/2024 13:38

This whole thing... no words

Cant Speak Nathan Fillion GIF
Starlight1979 · 13/09/2024 13:36

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

Well it's clearly loads better now.

Jesus Christ.

Strokethefurrywall · 13/09/2024 13:35

The bar is set low with this one.

PiggieWig · 13/09/2024 13:35

This isn’t a partnership. He’s treating you as a casual girlfriend, not the mother of his children. Overnight shag indeed.

The good thing is that if you decide to part ways, the logistics are already taken care of.

You can do better than this. Being properly single is better than this.

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 13:32

How is an 'overnight shag' and a bit of maintenance a basis for marriage?

outdooryone · 13/09/2024 13:30

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

I think you can add "have different views of responsibility of being a parent" to "didn't communicate well".

Forget that you and he are in a relationship - as a father seeing that the carers of your children is ill and struggling, you have responsibility to get stuck in and help them out. He put himself before his children and his other half, and asking to help for a day is not an excessive ask.

And no parent in the world has ever managed to go to a days work without feeling tired.

Why are you looking to create a future with someone like this in a relationship which is clearly not a partnership?

MummyJ36 · 13/09/2024 13:30

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:26

Ok I'll be clear because it seems there are some people trying to find evidence of criminality where there is none.

Our finances are separate, we live apart despite having (had) plans to move in together.

He stays over minimally nor does he make any financial contribution to the household besides maintenance. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend and had to tell someone/pay every time you went for an overnight shag you'd be pretty annoyed pretty soon. Can you imagine?

All irrelevant to the issue.

And for what it's worth if I was in it for the money he wouldn't have got a look in.

OP this is so confusing for your kids. Having their dad over for an “overnight shag” whilst not living together but still being together is a massive head fuck. I don’t know how long you intend to live like this but I think you both need to decide ASAP if you are together (and will live together) or properly separated otherwise you risk seriously messing with your kids heads.

MummyJ36 · 13/09/2024 13:30

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:26

Ok I'll be clear because it seems there are some people trying to find evidence of criminality where there is none.

Our finances are separate, we live apart despite having (had) plans to move in together.

He stays over minimally nor does he make any financial contribution to the household besides maintenance. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend and had to tell someone/pay every time you went for an overnight shag you'd be pretty annoyed pretty soon. Can you imagine?

All irrelevant to the issue.

And for what it's worth if I was in it for the money he wouldn't have got a look in.

OP this is so confusing for your kids. Having their dad over for an “overnight shag” whilst not living together but still being together is a massive head fuck. I don’t know how long you intend to live like this but I think you both need to decide ASAP if you are together (and will live together) or properly separated otherwise you risk seriously messing with your kids heads.

pikkumyy77 · 13/09/2024 13:29

I’f be annoyed if my children’s father couldn’t be arsed to care enough about them or me to be living with us and supporting us. What collapsed model of family does he have—most mammals offer more commitment to their mates and children than this character.

MillyMollyMandHey · 13/09/2024 13:29

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

So why are you getting married, as clearly nothing has changed

GalileoHumpkins · 13/09/2024 13:29

I really don't think your finances or living arrangements are relevant.
Do you think this is a good relationship OP? Are you prepared for a lifetime of the bare minimum from him?

Original poster
Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:26

Ok I'll be clear because it seems there are some people trying to find evidence of criminality where there is none.

Our finances are separate, we live apart despite having (had) plans to move in together.

He stays over minimally nor does he make any financial contribution to the household besides maintenance. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend and had to tell someone/pay every time you went for an overnight shag you'd be pretty annoyed pretty soon. Can you imagine?

All irrelevant to the issue.

And for what it's worth if I was in it for the money he wouldn't have got a look in.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 13/09/2024 13:26

MounjaroUser · 13/09/2024 13:15

He's communicating well now, isn't he? He's telling you exactly what he thinks of you and the kids.

Show quote history

Haha yes, this! “We were not communicating well” is just the most absurd way of thinking about the situation. He communicates just fine! OP just can’t bring herself to hear what he is saying.

Dweetfidilove · 13/09/2024 13:25

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 13/09/2024 13:15

I think it's only fraud if they're living together.

However, if they can arrange their finances so that it's possible to live together after marriage, I'm unsure as to why they haven't done it so far?

Either way I have a feeling this thread will be deleted at the OP's request.

Show quote history

Come to think of it, the new job he's taking may improve his financial situation, hence the coming together 🤷🏾‍♀️.

wp65 · 13/09/2024 13:25

Oh, OP. You deserve better than this horrible man. What has made you believe that you don't?

You don't have to marry him. You really do not. You could have a better life without him.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 13/09/2024 13:24

Brainded · 13/09/2024 12:42

He changed… so this is his better version? This is him doing better…. You just keep saying that out loud. @Jelnotjel and then you might understand what I’m trying to say

Maybe he was an axe murderer before, or liked Piers Morgan or something.

Dweetfidilove · 13/09/2024 13:23

@Jelnotjel

Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.
And you can't rely on him to support you when ill.

Why would you put yourself in a worse position physically, financially and logistically than you are now? I can't see the point in marrying him.