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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 13/09/2024 14:05

He's a complete failure of a man

Ditch him and move on

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 13/09/2024 14:04

Why is he your fiance??? He seems selfish, annoys you and your previous attempt at living together didn’t work?
why bother getting married to this?

MrsKeats · 13/09/2024 14:01

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:26

Ok I'll be clear because it seems there are some people trying to find evidence of criminality where there is none.

Our finances are separate, we live apart despite having (had) plans to move in together.

He stays over minimally nor does he make any financial contribution to the household besides maintenance. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend and had to tell someone/pay every time you went for an overnight shag you'd be pretty annoyed pretty soon. Can you imagine?

All irrelevant to the issue.

And for what it's worth if I was in it for the money he wouldn't have got a look in.

This post is so aggressive.
Poor kids in this situation.

Lemonadeand · 13/09/2024 13:57

They’re his kids? You should have dropped them off at his place! Sounds like he has a very cushy deal.

Namerequired · 13/09/2024 13:57

mushpush · 13/09/2024 12:15

I mean the answer is to leave a man who calls you a parasite and leaves you alone to struggle with the two DC you share when ill!

This! They are his kids. He could/should have took them while you rested up!

DecafDodger · 13/09/2024 13:54

I am trying to imagine telling to my ill partner that no, I will not look after my own children, because I want to have a free weekend. I mean..surely you hear how absurd it sounds?

beAsensible1 · 13/09/2024 13:53

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

so if it didn't work out, why are getting married/having children with him?

none of this makes any sense. he should be having the children half the time if you live apart. if you were split up he would be?

do not marry this idiot and stop having his children.

Blink282 · 13/09/2024 13:52

Dear god.

OP. Please raise your bar. For your sake, and for your kids.

Screamingabdabz · 13/09/2024 13:51

Parasite? Wow. Two children too. Just wow.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/09/2024 13:51

Your kids deserve better. So much better. They have no choice but to accept their parents' decisions, selfish or otherwise.

Bushmillsbabe · 13/09/2024 13:50

This so called 'man' is not worth your time. Although a man (if physically able) would provide for his children if you have lost your job, and not expect other men and women to fund HIS children so I use the word man in the biological sense.

Please do not marry this man. Get a job so you can be financially independent and show your children that women do not need to put up with this shit, they can thrive on their own

Lifeomars · 13/09/2024 13:49

he called you a parasite?? What the fuck, how dare he. Ages ago I was in a new (only 3 months old) relationship and I got quinsy and ended up being hospitalised as the oral antibiotics did not work and I became extremely unwell. My new partner more than stepped up, he came over,cooked, cleaned, looked after my then 12 year old child. Accompanied me to the GP and was a tower of strength in a situation that many would have opted out of. When I came out of hospital he had shopped and filled the fridge and was an absolute hero. I am sorry that you have been treated like this, it is rude and selfish

absolutelydone · 13/09/2024 13:49

Also sounds as if the financial aspect of not living together is just to claim single parent benefits whilst not actually being a single parent.

so engaged but unable to live together? Really…

absolutelydone · 13/09/2024 13:48

Fucked up dynamic you have there.

the way your thread read it was as if he wasn’t actually the DC father but he actually is!?

you have to ask this man to take care of HIS children!?

Spenditlikebeckham · 13/09/2024 13:47

I suspect communication is the issue.. Fuck off should cover it....

Girlslikepearls · 13/09/2024 13:46

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

Your relationship sounds crazy.

You separated because you didn't get on.

You're still not happy.

Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

But you're sticking it out because financially you are better off as you get benefits as a single parent.

Just end it.

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 13:46

Cosyblankets · 13/09/2024 13:45

How does paying for two houses make financial sense?
But yes another vote for binning him off

I think the OP gets housing benefit.

TealTraybake · 13/09/2024 13:46

Uhm. He called you ‘a parasite’. Says it all. 🤮

Cosyblankets · 13/09/2024 13:45

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

How does paying for two houses make financial sense?
But yes another vote for binning him off

CremeEggThief · 13/09/2024 13:45

Another outlier situation where the OP thinks it's normal and we're all familiar with what to do! YABU.

Girlslikepearls · 13/09/2024 13:44

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

The fact you say you're engaged, and he's the children's father, but you don't live in the same house is 100% relevant.

How can you not see that?

DillDanding · 13/09/2024 13:44

This is weird all round. What a strange way to raise your kids. I can only imagine it’s to maximise your state benefits.

He would look after you if he cared about you, and he wouldn’t call you names if he loved you.

Ohhawtdang · 13/09/2024 13:44

The minute he called you a parasite i was like Wtaf.

then to find out there are his actual children 🤯

OP you would be utterly insane to continue a relationship let alone consider marriage.

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 13:43

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

A wedding sounds like a fantastic idea. 👍🏼👍🏼

DamnUserName21 · 13/09/2024 13:43

Maintain your financial independence, OP, be it benefits or work.

You'd be a fool to marry this man. It didn't work before and it will not work post-wedding.

He doesn't parent and he calls you a 'parasite.' He is selfish and and clearly does not respect you.

You can do better.