Should he have helped?

What I mean is, he isn't "helping" he is being a parent - and he should always be doing that, not just when he feels like it.

I am sure others have pointed it out, but techically you ARE being unreasonable asking for help when you are ill. You shouldn't be thinking of it as "helping" at least not anymore than all the childcare you do as "helping" him. They are his children. You can't force him to be less useless, but equally you don't need to see it as "great" if he helps in the day [with his own children!] by choice. Otherwise your standards end up so low that any time he miraculously does the bare minimum, you will see it as somehow making up for all the times he is rubbish. Rather than the bare minimum.

Regardless of you being unwell, what kind of relationship do they have with their father in all of this?

It appears he comes and goes and stays overnight as he pleases. A very part-time dad.

Is this giving your children any stability or reassurance that they have a dad who enjoys being with them?

It comes over as if you are a couple who have split up and are co-parenting (but only when it suits him.)

Probably benefits doooh, I only recently found out that lots of people do that for benefits.

Both of you are half in and half out. Lucky that have the tax payer to subsidise you whilst you make a decision eh?

Jeez!! What was he like before??

What a depressing read.

Dont marry him.

Raise your bar and set an example for your kids.

Btw, its not helping, its called being a parent 🙄

So he doesn't care about his children or you. You deserve far better than this, OP, please don't marry him.

I've been unwell this week and have one teenager at home. DH has been v. supportive, just as I am to him when he's unwell. That's what you should expect.

Oh boy don’t move in with him. He’ll be just as lazy but he’ll be underfoot and you’ll have to put up with his snoring.

sorry you’ve had so much flack @Jelnotjel i think people try to imagine the situation in order to feedback and your initial post one would have presumed new partner not kids dad, your situation makes sense when you explain with subsequent posts but you get rinsed in here for a drip feed. To your question I think he’s treating you and kids really badly. Even if he were not their dad I’d expect more from a fiancé. Jesus some of my friends would step up if I were sick and on my own with kids (I had this scenario when my partner was away for work). Please don’t marry this man. That’s aside from calling you a parasite. You deserve better. 💐💐

Yes we split up, he moved out, we got back together, we worked on things and set a date to go back to cohabitation rather than jumping in prematurely

But you've also said this:

We were looking to move in together next year when married.

So you set a date to go back to cohabitation after getting married??!!

Everything about this is deeply fucked up. The fact that he's an arsehole when you're ill is just the icing on the shit cake of this relationship. End it for good.

You had me at ‘parasite’ who the hell thinks that’s in anyway acceptable! Then when I read he is your kids dad….I’m speechless.

Would be interesting to see when the kids came into this shitfuck of a situation..... Poor bairns

OP noooo.

Not being able to live together is first red flag. Him not being interested in helping you when you’re ill, in the interest of his kids is another two red flags.

Do not get married, you already have evidence that you can’t live together and it doesn’t sound much of a partnership - both foundations for marriage.

It's relevant because he doesn't see his kids as his responsibility. He can live the single life and piss off home whenever he wants.

I voted YABU because I assumed he wasn’t the child’s father - why would you not say this in the OP.

But he is their father - so yes, he should have helped.

Is he paying for his children’s upkeep or is the tax payer? That’s going to determine my answer.

So, this prince of a man is incapable of parenting his own children when he is the only physically well parent, because it might make him tired... for work in a few days' time.

Don't let him move in or marry you. Bin him. Then he can have 50:50 time with the kids and fully enjoy the parenting experience, or pay you child support.

it didn't work before and it won't work again.

pretty sure yesterday was Thursday, thus a few days before he starts new job on Monday

at least you truely know the person you think you are getting married to...

He’s shown you he doesn’t give a damn about you or the kids. Pay attention and see him for what he is.

Jeez, don't marry this lazy fucker whatever you do.

And don't ever move in with him, you'll end up with an extra child in the house.

Cut your losses now

I was in two minds until I read that he is the kids’ father. What a turd!

Also, what kind of a weed needs several days rest before starting a new job?

He won't help.
He's not loving.
He calls you names.
He doesn't put his children's needs above his own.
He is selfish.

Why OP are you looking to love and honour someone like this?

Honestly, this is no life.

Bloody hell! The only parasite here is him.

You live apart and he lets you struggle by on benefits and what I assume is fairly minimal maintenance? He does little or nothing to look after his kids, and certainly no bedtimes, early mornings or overnights? He thinks he requires a whole weekend and more to “rest up” before starting a new job? You not working enables him to work with no worries about childcare, but far from being thankfully or fully sharing his wages or home with you, he calls YOU the parasite?

He sounds an appalling man.

I would definitely rethink marrying him - or as a pp has said, have a basic wedding if it gives you a claim on any property. You’re the one enabling him to work after all. However, if he is or you think he might be in debt (he’s giving me in debt vibes) don’t.

I understand you aren’t doing anything it legal but it is immoral - on his part not yours - to leave your partner dependent on benefits when you are working and could be supporting them.

On the other hand, I think you’re better off not living with this loser for your sanity!