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Original poster

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
skyfalldown · 13/09/2024 17:21

when you look after his children, are you helping him out? or are you caring for the children you brought into this world as a parent?

your relationship is dead in the water

Fastback · 13/09/2024 17:05

What. The. Fuck. Dad of the fucking year. Not.

MouseMama · 13/09/2024 16:55

Even if they weren’t his children I would expect him to help his poorly fiancé with her children. New job on Monday is DAYS away.

The fact they are his children and he’d rather rest up at home?! No way should you marry this guy.

StaunchMomma · 13/09/2024 16:45

He's your fiance AND the kid's Dad AND he's only paying you maintenance?!!

Sorry but you're being taken for a mug, luv!

Mojodojocasahous · 13/09/2024 16:26

What a prince. Get some self respect op and fuck him off.

januaryjan · 13/09/2024 16:09

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

He is calling you a parasite?

What a prince. 🙁

RayofSunshine18 · 13/09/2024 16:01

You know you're separated but just not calling it that.... right?

DaisyChain505 · 13/09/2024 15:57

OP, the actual situation of your post aside I would really reconsider getting married before moving back In together.

You split and lived separately last time for a reason. Who’s to say you won’t fall back into the bad habits or have the same issues with communication etc.

unless you’ve had some therapy and help as a couple to change how you do things you’re probably setting yourself up to repeat the past.

Holidayhell22 · 13/09/2024 15:38

Are you claiming benefits as a single parent?
Regardless, he is using you. Gets a free shag when he wants yet doesn’t parent his dcs. Great example he is setting.
Yes he should have been parenting his children.
What do you intend to do about his lack of interest?

Franjipanl8r · 13/09/2024 15:28

Why are you marrying someone who called you a parasite because you dared to ask him to look after HIS children!!?? Just look ahead to the future and imagine him treating you like shit and your kids witnessing it, because that’s definitely going to happen.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/09/2024 15:25

@Jelnotjel - you wrote "He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help."

He called you a parasite?? And you are still considering marrying this man and moving in together??

You tried living together before and it didn't work out, why on earth do you think, with perceptions already like the one above that he has of you, that it will work this time? Please don't go down the path of sunk costs or sunk time - that you've spent this time with him up to now is worth spending more time with him. I really couldn't spend time planning a wedding or moving in with someone who thought of me like a parasite because I asked them to step up and look after their own kids while I wasn't well.

TheNavyQuail · 13/09/2024 15:22

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TheNavyQuail · 13/09/2024 15:21

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This was the work of a previously banned poster.

TheNavyQuail · 13/09/2024 15:20

This reply has been deleted

This was the work of a previously banned poster.

TheRavenSaid · 13/09/2024 15:18

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 14:05

'overnight shag' was part of my response to those asking after how often he stays, not a summing up of our entire relationship.

Yes we split up, he moved out, we got back together, we worked on things and set a date to go back to cohabitation rather than jumping in prematurely (because as explained it was convenient to live apart and would've caused disruption not just to the finances and work situation but also the kids if it didn't work out). Mind-blowing, I know.

Anyways, thank you everyone for your input. Truly is appreciated and nice to see others agree I'm not being unreasonable re asking for help when ill!

You're not unreasonable, he is

You would be unreasonable if you marry him though

TheRavenSaid · 13/09/2024 15:16

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

So why are you getting married (you call him your fiance) and why would you want to marry a man who doesnt step up

GiveMeSpanakopita · 13/09/2024 15:15

Birdseyetrifle · 13/09/2024 13:21

I know a fair few families that do this and it’s to claim benefits as a single parent. Partner lives ‘separately’ or just has bank account registered at another address and other parent claims benefits.

It’s a great way to bring your children up 🙄

Yep I know people who do this too and it winds me up a bit. Bad value for the taxpayer and exacerbates the social housing crisis where social housing is involved.

Doesn't necessarily mean that's what's going on here and we shouldn't assume.

On topic....

OP, he's no good. Don't marry him and keep the benefits you're entitled to since you're clearly a single parent anyway!

huuskymam · 13/09/2024 15:14

Yanbu for expecting him to step up and parent his kids when you're sick.
Yabu for even thinking about marrying someone you lived with when it didn't work out and called you a parasite.

pottymouth40 · 13/09/2024 15:13

If my dh called me a parasite he’d be out the door, disgusting way to speak to the mother of his children.

And that’s before getting into the extremely unfair living/childcare arrangements.

As others have said: A FATHER LOOKING AFTER HIS OWN CHILDREN IS NOT “HELPING”! It’s the bare fucking minimum.

Why are you with him op? In what way is your life better with him than without him?

I bet the verbal abuse isn’t a one-off either is it?

Rickrolypoly · 13/09/2024 15:12

Some people deserve the shitty people they end up with.

Cherrysoup · 13/09/2024 15:11

Maintenance? Interesting.

A glimpse of your future, I reckon, where he dumps all the parenting on you because he's so important!

Tengreenbottles2 · 13/09/2024 15:09

He called you a parasite because you asked him to look after HIS OWN children, when you were unwell.

He's not a fucking father, he's a waste of air.

LoftyPeachSnake · 13/09/2024 15:04

If anyone called me a parasite I wouldn't be calling them my fiance. Why on earth put up with someone who speaks to you that way.

LittleGreenDragons · 13/09/2024 15:04

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 13:14

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

I think you will find he is communicating extremely well.

But are you listening?

ParrotPirouette · 13/09/2024 15:02

Parasite? LTB immediately, do not marry him. You are worth so much more, have some self respect and dump him now.