Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to negotiate Christmas with exwife

185 replies

mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:20

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we both have 2 children each from our previous marriages.
This year it is my turn to have my children for Christmas week then they go to my ex husband’s place for the second week of the holidays. The plan was to have Christmas all together the 6 of us for the week starting the 23rd, then they would go back to their mum and then my partner and I have booked a mini break just the 2 of us over new year.
Except now partners ex has thrown a spanner in the works and said we cannot have the children then. She wants partner to have them the following week so she can work and hit the roof when my partner said we weren’t around.
I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare but he isn’t allowed special days like Christmas. My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning.
My partner is unwilling to fight it but I am so upset because we had it all planned out.
AIBU and how can we negotiate with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:37

Callaphone · 13/09/2024 10:33

How set in stone is this plan for you to alternate Christmas weeks? It sounds like it's never actually happened before.

My ex husband alternate holidays, we have had this arrangement for years and it works well for us. My partner now wants to do a similar arrangement with his ex wife so we have a balance of lots of time with the children but also time on our own. His ex wife doesn’t have a partner. It’s all very informal because up until recently my partner worked shifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 13/09/2024 10:35

Tbf we haven’t asked what the kids think.

My partner has them every other weekend and sees them for one full evening during the week plus does 4/5 school runs a week. There is no formal arrangement.

I’m asking on how my partner can negotiate and come to a compromise that we are all happy with.

The kids are fine together. We are going to go to his parents house and spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day there. Their house is plenty big enough for all of us with spare rooms for all of us. My partner said ex wife was concerned about how we would do stockings which just seems like an excuse. We are perfectly capable of sorting stockings etc!

OP posts:
Callaphone · 13/09/2024 10:33

How set in stone is this plan for you to alternate Christmas weeks? It sounds like it's never actually happened before.

ActualChips · 13/09/2024 10:32

seedsandseeds · 13/09/2024 10:24

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

How can she use the children's father for childcare?

Secondly, what does this have to do with you? It's his issue to deal with.

Yeah, this.
You wrote that your boyfriend is unwilling to fight to parent his kids over Christmas, he doesn't care, so you shouldn't.
If he cared he'd be typing out paragraphs online asking for help, waiting for a court date to formalise access and taking his kids mother to court if she didn't go along with the court order.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/09/2024 10:28

*I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

Aren’t you treating her like childcare so you can go on holiday? It’s not unreasonable for a parent to use their child free time to do other stuff because their ex or paid childcare like nursery are looking after the kids.

Hoolihan · 13/09/2024 10:27

Maybe the kids don't want to spend Xmas Day with you and your kids? I know I didn't when this kind of thing was foisted on me as a child.

It's really not your business in any case, leave it to your partner to deal with.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/09/2024 10:26

If he’s not willing to fight it then you’re stuck. Yanbu to be annoyed that he won’t fight it (does he have a Child Arrangement Order?) but if you force him to fight it then the problem becomes you against them which you probably want to avoid too.

Mooneywoo · 13/09/2024 10:24

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

Well childcare for the children is 50% his job, she’s not using him for that, it’s his moral responsibility to his children.

My partner has never had the children for Christmas week, they have always been with their mum and my partner has just seen gone to see them on Christmas morning or has had them on Boxing Day etc but they’ve never woken up at his house on Christmas morning.

Do they want to wake up at his house on Christmas morning?
The reality is many fathers don’t have the appropriate set up for their children, they don’t have nice rooms, they don’t do the unnecessary but nice to haves that the mothers do and bluntly they don’t make things like Christmas special and I know many people who would not have wanted to spend Christmas with a father who sees them every other week or whatever.

2 years is a fairly short length of time.
Do the kids feel comfortable together or is this a rushed desperate attempt at happy families?

seedsandseeds · 13/09/2024 10:24

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare

How can she use the children's father for childcare?

Secondly, what does this have to do with you? It's his issue to deal with.

YellowphantGrey · 13/09/2024 10:24

How often does he have his children and what's the regular, normal contact?

It's also not childcare, they are his children. You need stop calling it this.