To ask how to negotiate Christmas with exwife

Sorry it IS unreasonable. Christmas is not the same as other holidays and expecting his exDW to not see her young children for the whole Christmas week is unreasonable. It's usual for separated parents to alternate Christmas Eve / Christmas Day for example but not the whole week, particularly at such young ages. Why did you book the time away without confirming Christmas arrangements with her? Also if his DC want to be with their mum for Christmas, that is what should matter, not what you and DP want. He doesn't want to fight it because he knows that deep down, it's right for his children to spend Christmas with their mum if that's what they would prefer. They could then come to you from Boxing Day - he could go and get them - and spend the rest of the week with you.

Says it all really.

Children are the afterthought all the way through her posts

Your boyfriend sounds familiar to my friends ex.

He also has every other weekend and does 1 week in summer holidays. Says he hasn't got much annual leave but expects the occasion holidays and still manages to take his girlfriend away on holidays during school holidays when he easily could be with his children

I love the fact that your first response is the kids won't see their dad, rather than you'll cancel the holiday.

Selfish.

So until recently your partner did shifts - so presumably the children's mum has been the one fitting around that. Your partner doesn't do 50/50. He does every other weekend plus a weekday evening. Every previous Christmas they've spent with their Mum. Of course they shouldn't spend all Christmas week with you. I think it's fair to ask to alternate Christmas days as it's not fair their Dad never gets to see them on Christmas day. It also however sounds like Dad hasn't really asked for this before which doesn't make him look great.

Not being funny but it sounds like you just want her to adopt YOUR schedule to suit YOU.

Most kids don't spend the full Xmas week at ones then the following week at the other parents.

This is none of your business. Your partner needs to talk to his ex and work out something that suits their kids and them. Then come back to you and find a compromise.

I appreciate you want a week for a couples holiday, but you're not entitled to it. Blended families are complicated, you need to be flexible and allow the ex wife to have some control too.

You are being utterly unreasonable and seem to think after only two years you can come along and dictate the whole schedule of these children and their parents just because it suits you and your children and your desire for a child free week.

They have NEVER split Christmas into weeks before and it is not like the long summer holiday. It’s an “occasion” holiday and completely normal to split days not weeks. The children’s DM has been VERY accommodating in the past by facilitating their dad visiting her home and her parents home to see the children. He is the secondary parent (on account of the EOW and a night in week arrangement) and you come along with your own ideas and think you can ride roughshod over their normal set up. Didn’t even consider the DCs wishes or their primary parents desire to not be away from her children for the whole Christmas week. So long as you get your child free week eh. Utter selfishness.

What is your problem ?
Take your attitude to someone else .

The line that gets me is “I’m upset because WE had it all planned out” wtf?? How about your dp discusses plans with the mother of his children before anything is booked and then blaming her for “throwing a spanner in the works” ffs! His children should come first. Just because his working plans have now changed and he maybe more flexible shouldn’t mean the mum is after doing the bulk of the “childcare” are you so lovingly put it

I feel like the ex wife just uses my partner for childcare but he isn’t allowed special days like Christmas.

It used to be a more ad hoc arrangement, last year partner had them for a few days before Christmas (which fell over his weekend) then he went to see them Christmas morning and then had them a few days later. The year before I think he spent Christmas with them all at her mums house.

Bit of a difference where you imply he isn't allowed Christmas with them yet he has been with them? Is this the 3rd christmas they've been split up and your 3rd christmas with him?

she says it’s unfair that she won’t be able to see them over Christmas week at all. But during the school holidays my partner has them often for a week at a time.
So the has them for 3 weeks of the summer holidays, 1 week at Easter and 1 of the other 1 week half terms?

Why do you expect her to not see them at all over Christmas? Has your boyfriend asked her or told her the plans you've come up with? A sensible way to do it would be christmas eve day and night and christmas morning with parent 1 new years eve day and evening and new years day morning with parent 1 then christmas day afternoon and boxing day with parent 2 new year day pm and following day with parent 2 then swap each year. Normal contact on the days between

Christmas is a bit different but we can’t break up the week because of our plans the following week. So it’ll just end up with him not seeing the children at all other than his usual EOW. Sigh. you can't possibly be this annoyed because you've unilatelry decided to change plans, book a holiday and expect a mother to not see her children, all without discussing it first? You've also implied he doesn't see them at Christmas yet he has never gone a Christmas day without seeing them bur you're expecting their Mom to?

It seems that you're trying to control the puppet strings and that their arrangement has previously worked but you want to be on 50/50 to match your arrangement so you get lots of lovely child free time at your convenience.

How are his children being considered in this?

I'm a stepmother and think you're being incredibly unreasonable.
It's all about what you want.
The fact that you haven't asked the kids or their Mum before you've gone and made all these arrangements is staggering. Your DP is a bit of an idiot in thinking this would all be tickety boo too.

@BetterWithPockets And she should be responsible for finding childcare on days she needs to work. (That's what MN always says when it's the man who needs to work on his days with the kids.)

In this case it sounds like the ex wife has had years of accommodating the fathers work post split since they have had no fixed schedule due to his shift work.

The point seems to be that the op dh hasn’t even discussed this with the mother until they’d booked the holiday. They’d decided to have the kids Christmas week with no discussion with the mother. If this was just dropped on me and I was expected to not see my kids the whole of Christmas week I’d be saying no too!

It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to have the kids for one Christmas. Why can't she visit on the morning of, as he has?

And she should be responsible for finding childcare on days she needs to work. (That's what MN always says when it's the man who needs to work on his days with the kids.)

The children should be put first. You have acknowledged that they would prefer to spend Christmas with their mother.

I think it’s unusual to split Christmas into whole weeks like this. Most people split it over the main days. I have two friends in a similar situation to you, and they alternate between having DC Xmas Eve until 5pm Christmas Day, then 5pm Xmas Day and Boxing Day.

Far less contentious.

Surely Christmas holidays are totally different to other holidays. You can’t expect the same. I would hate to not see my kids on the lead up to Christmas. Surely you can do a couple of days on and a couple of days off and negotiate the main Xmas eve/day Boxing Day? Might be a blag but me and my ex work it so we both see them Xmas eve/day. We just split the days. Kids absolutely love it

it sounds from your posts as if you booked your break away without first checking that everyone had agreed on Christmas arrangements.

if that’s the case then you took a risk

My husband had a two year old when we got together and subsequently married. His ex partner moved over 200 miles away to be nearer to her family after the split. He understood her need to be nearer them. He also never in 18 years of parenting ever had his son on Christmas Day, not even for the morning. We always had to make the journey on Boxing Day to collect his son. He had a very friendly relationship with his ex which has endured over the years but she never once budged on the Christmas Day thing. My husband just accepted it. His son moved in with us when he turned 18 and now we see him all the time. It’s lovely.

I think it’s just a day, maybe look at it like that. Not sure how you could get her to change her mind. It was difficult but we had no option but to go with the flow in order to keep things as amicable as they were and continued to be.

How about you invite her to yours for Christmas day, like she did with your husband previously - and see if you can brainstorm with her something for the 3/4 days she'll need cover the following week (assuming she won't be working on 1 January)?

Before you decided on all these plans did you (or primarily your partner) consider speaking with the ex? Saying she had thrown a spanner in The works is completely incorrect - you didn’t discuss it with her just told her, no wonder she wouldn’t be open to it (alongside all the other reasons).

the language you use and the behaviour you are writing about given this is a newish relationship doesn’t put you in a good light.

Yes this is a good idea. Could your kids dad have them over Christmas and you have them all the second week?

So she's the main carer for the dc, your proposing she doesn't see them at all christmas week even though you think the dc will want to see their mam. She facilities your ex seeing his dc christmas morning and boxing day but your completely trying to remove her christmas week to spend on her own then dumping the dc back for your mini trip over ny. Your massively unreasonable and have your own self interests here. You need a partner without kids. You have no intentions of putting them first. Very selfish behaviour.

@mistletoeandwine86 From your posts it sounds like you made no arrangement about Christmas with his ex wife, went ahead and booked your holiday, and are now annoyed that she won't fall into line.

Sorry but the time to try and negotiate with her was before you booked your holiday, not afterwards.

She hasn't gone back on what was previously agreed. She hasn't done anything wrong.

All I'd say reading your OP

• please stop talking and thinking in terms of "fighting".
• as said above, your DHs ex isn't using him for childcare. These are his children your talking about!!
• your DH needs to engage with his children and ask them what they'd like to do, and ensure he's very clear with them that he wants the best for them and he will work with whatever they choose. This approach means they don't say what they think he wants to hear, because children very often want to please the parent asking the question, rather than actually giving their choice.
• please stop demonising your DHs ex and remember that once upon a time they had a relationship, she hasn't suddenly turned into the devil incarnate.
• give your DH a big hug for being kind and not wanting the fight his ex for the children over Christmas. He sounds very sensible and wants to keep the peace, which is not a bad thing to want to do, especially as Christmas can become a pointless and needless battleground if you let it become so.

Your comment is completely irrelevant to the situation here.