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Original poster

To ask if another man has ever stepped in when you were being harassed?

211 replies

CoffySalon · 12/09/2024 20:13

So, I was on the tube today and had a horrible experience with a guy harassing me. He was invading my personal space, touching me, putting his face and body close too close to mine, and saying things. It was really uncomfortable and no one else was doing anything.

Then, out of nowhere, a guy nearby - who I assume was with his girlfriend - quietly stepped in between us without saying a word. It was so subtle, but the harasser seemed to get the message and stopped, at least for a moment. His girlfriend even smiled at me, like she knew what was happening and wanted to reassure me.

At the next stop, which happened to be this couple’s stop, the guy didn’t rush off. He turned to me and asked quietly “are you okay?” I told him “Yes, thank you” and just before he left, both he and his girlfriend suggested I move to where they had been standing, even pointing out a seat. Unfortunately, someone sat in the seat before I could take it.

As soon as they left though, the guy started harassing me, and no one else did anything except for a few women who smiled in sympathy, but didn’t step in.

This man’s quiet intervention meant so much to me, and I just wanted to share my appreciation for him, but also to ask: has anyone else ever experienced a man stepping in to help like this? And what did you do when it happened?

Would love to hear your stories and thoughts.

OP posts:
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Walkden · 16/09/2024 19:57

"True, it's almost as if men look at women as property..."
Using this argument if a woman hits on a guy in but find out he's not single and backs off this is because another woman already "owns" him?

Deboragh · 16/09/2024 11:36

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 12/09/2024 21:03

Killjoy alert: it’s great that women on this thread have been helped away from unsafe situations, but it’s so bloody depressing that most of the make saviours thought the best thing to do was pretend they were ‘his woman’ instead of telling the men to fuck off.

Edited

True, it's almost as if men look at women as property...

Newname71 · 14/09/2024 19:25

Floralspecscase · 12/09/2024 20:36

I've stepped in to stop a boy being attacked by a gang of 17-20 year old boys/men. I'm a woman, though. Female friends have done similar.

My ex (male) as been assaulted three times when he stepped in to prevent men harrassing women and has ptsd as a result, so he no longer feels up to it, sadly.

I think the ads on the tube defining harassment and sexual assault and explaining safe alternatives to stepping in (e.g. numbers to report it to) are excellent. I've been reading going through them with DS 10 and explaining the context and discussing ethics and sexism and what we can do if we witness misogyny.

How did you feel after stepping in?
I witnessed a grown ass man attacking a young lad who looked about 16. He was punching him in the face and everyone was looking the other way. I was furious and got in the middle. Big man started telling me the young lad had “been funny” with his son! I told him I didn’t give a flying fuck and he’d better just fuck off now! He kept walking away and then coming back for another go. I was fine at the time but thought afterwards I could’ve had my head smashed in. I’d do it again though.

Longleggedblond · 14/09/2024 19:14

Well done. keep us posted. And take care.

Tumblingjungleofchaos · 14/09/2024 19:11

thaegumathteth · 12/09/2024 22:33

Yes on a train when a guy sat next to me on an empty carriage and was just waaaay too 'friendly' .

A group of rugby fans got on at the next stop, noticed and cajoled the guy into going to the buffet cart with them for a pint whilst 2 of them stayed with me and sat so he couldn't sit next to me again.

Rugby guys are, generally, a pretty decent bunch. Would def rather travel with them than football fans!

Hadalifeonce · 14/09/2024 18:10

A.million years ago, I was in a no smoking carriage on a train. A couple of guys got on, after a while, they both lot cigarettes, I thought perhaps they didn't realise it was non smoking, so leant across a quietly said, not sure you realise, but this is a non smoking carriage.
I was then on the end of of a barrage of verbal assault, I tried to remain calm and pointed out, that I was just trying to help them as if there was a member of transport police on board they could get fined, it achieved nothing, and the barrage continued. The train was full, no one said a thing. Then a chap appeared, having walked up from another area of the train. He whispered something in their ear, immediately they threw their cigarettes out of the window, and apologised to HIM!
I was so angry that they just treated me as an irritant.

SinnerBoy · 14/09/2024 18:00

That's quite astonishing! I thought that the tube was saturated with CCTV. I hope you get a result and it's good to hear that the Police are actually going to take time to look at footage.

Original poster
CoffySalon · 14/09/2024 17:41

SinnerBoy · 14/09/2024 16:41

Good for you and I wish you all luck with this, I really hope you get a result!

Thank you so much for the kind words and support. I just spoke with a detective, and unfortunately, there isn’t CCTV on the Bakerloo line and some other lines because they are quite old. They’re focusing on platform footage, trying to track tap-ins at stations, and circulating the images from the platform footage to see if they can match him to any previous offences. The detective said they’ll do everything they can to gather information and identify him. He’s going to contact me again on Monday to give an official statement. It’s frustrating about the lack of CCTV, quite gutting actually, but I appreciate your encouragement.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffySalon · 14/09/2024 17:41

Thank you so much for the kind words and support. I just spoke with a detective, and unfortunately, there isn’t CCTV on the Bakerloo line and some other lines because they are quite old. They’re focusing on platform footage, trying to track tap-ins at stations, and circulating the images from the platform footage to see if they can match him to any previous offences. The detective said they’ll do everything they can to gather information and identify him. He’s going to contact me again on Monday to give an official statement. It’s frustrating about the lack of CCTV, quite gutting actually, but I appreciate your encouragement.

OP posts:
SinnerBoy · 14/09/2024 16:41

Good for you and I wish you all luck with this, I really hope you get a result!

Original poster
CoffySalon · 14/09/2024 16:36

Hi everyone,

I wanted to update you on what’s happened since I wrote this post. Following the advice I received, I decided to call the BTP and report the incident. It was a tough decision and an emotional process, but I felt it was important to take action.

The support and suggestions here, and elsewhere, have been very helpful. Even though the discussion here focused more on personal experiences and interventions rather than reporting, I found comfort in reading everyone’s stories. Both the positive and difficult experiences shared have helped me process my own situation and encouraged me to take the next steps.

An officer will be contacting me soon to follow up on the report. I hope this update encourages anyone in a similar situation to reach out for help or report incidents when they feel safe to do so.

Thank you all for your support and sharing your experiences. It’s truly been a big help in processing this difficult situation.

OP posts:
Nightowl1234 · 13/09/2024 21:51

Genuine question. This exact story was posted on Reddit yesterday. I don’t often use Reddit so it was just a cooincidence that I saw this story pop up. What does it mean? Does it mean this is a fake story planted by either a troll or someone for a magazine article? Is it likely a mumnset user would also post the same story on Reddit?

Completelyneutralname · 13/09/2024 19:48

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 17:07

Guess we’re stuck with it then.

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We report it.

We talk about it with others.

We get politically involved.

We teach our sons about it and guide them as to how to behave and we teach girls self defence and to know their rights.

We certainly don’t give up.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 13/09/2024 18:57

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 16:38

Whats to be done about these men if no-one can challenge them? 🤷‍♀️

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Getting into a fight, putting yourself in danger and potentially only leading to another aggressive man in jail with other aggressive men isn't the solution

StoneHenge85 · 13/09/2024 18:55

Not advocating it but …

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq2IK4Ta6Q4&pp=ygUcTWljaGFlbCBjYWluZSBlbGJvd2luZyB0aHVncw%3D%3D

BlackShuck3 · 13/09/2024 18:08

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 16:38

Whats to be done about these men if no-one can challenge them? 🤷‍♀️

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Once the behaviour escalates beyond a certain point it becomes very difficult, any punishment will only make them more determined to punish anyone who dares to challenge them.
Eventually they will (I assume) take on someone who beats them or the victims will get together in order to deliver some form of justice.
I remember a local man who was widely feared & eventually taken out in a drive by shooting, he had made so many enemies that it was inevitable I think. Mind you he was as thick as mince, fighting isnt an intelligent strategy for getting on in life!

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 17:07

saraclara · 13/09/2024 16:53

You think another guy challenging them is going to make a difference to their behaviour in the future? I don't. And I absolutely would not want anyone who stepped in on my behalf, to get hurt. And from a selfish point of view, I wouldn't want the creep to get wound up and potentially more dangerous to me as well.

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Guess we’re stuck with it then.

saraclara · 13/09/2024 16:53

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 16:38

Whats to be done about these men if no-one can challenge them? 🤷‍♀️

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You think another guy challenging them is going to make a difference to their behaviour in the future? I don't. And I absolutely would not want anyone who stepped in on my behalf, to get hurt. And from a selfish point of view, I wouldn't want the creep to get wound up and potentially more dangerous to me as well.

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 16:38

MartinCrieffsLemon · 13/09/2024 15:39

You think they should provoke a fight?

You really think that's more sensible?

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Whats to be done about these men if no-one can challenge them? 🤷‍♀️

Longleggedblond · 13/09/2024 16:09

Many years ago a friend who was staying with me in East London and I got a cab home after clubbing. Guy started taking us across the Thames. My friend realising we were going wrong way started to cry. I whipped off my white stiletto and told him to to turn effing cab around or I'd stick it in his neck. He did so and I got him to drop us a street away in Stepney so he didn't know where I lived.Not the same but not got a knight in shining armour so had to think on my feet. Not worn white stilettos in a long time. Too old at 62 . would fall off them 🤔 😂

StewartGriffin · 13/09/2024 15:46

"You are a lovely person. Enjoy that karma heading your way..."

@GelatoPistacchio what a strange response. Have you put a curse on me or something?

MartinCrieffsLemon · 13/09/2024 15:42

poppyzbrite4 · 13/09/2024 13:40

My neighbour when he was a young man, intervened when he saw a young woman being harassed by a group of men. He had the crap beaten out of him by all of them. Men are more likely to be beaten up or killed by other men.

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Exactly this
"Oh there you are love. Come on, dad's waiting with the kettle on" as he approaches her might well distract them enough to get both of you out safe

"Hey, back off, leave her alone!" Can provoke them so the 'hero' is in danger too. And then they may end up being beaten up/hurt and the intended victim might still end up getting hurt too

MartinCrieffsLemon · 13/09/2024 15:39

tiltingatwindmillsagain · 13/09/2024 12:26

Women have always had to tip toe around arsehole men but now other men do as well? Great.

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You think they should provoke a fight?

You really think that's more sensible?

BlackShuck3 · 13/09/2024 14:30

Once they get out of control and everyone is afraid to tackle them bad men are a threat and a problem for everyone.

poppyzbrite4 · 13/09/2024 13:40

Walkden · 13/09/2024 13:31

"Women have always had to tip toe around arsehole men but now other men do as well? Great."

Men have always had to do this. The risks / type of harm is different but it is naive of you to think that only women have to risk assess the men around them.

Statistically as I said men are more likely to be attacked and even killed by other men than women are. The specific danger involved obviously differs though....

My neighbour when he was a young man, intervened when he saw a young woman being harassed by a group of men. He had the crap beaten out of him by all of them. Men are more likely to be beaten up or killed by other men.