Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

OP, not understanding that others are allowed to have feelings even if those feelings make you feel bad is like… the key of being narcissistic.

Nobody here is a psychologist (that we know of) and no professional could diagnose you without spending lots of time with you instead of viewing a small snapshot of your life on a website that you wrote when you were emotional.

At the end of the day, though, your child is allowed to protect their feelings by not protecting yours, if it’s something like not speaking to you. You’re carrying a lot of hurt from your ex. Your daughter is not your ex

As I said it's unacceptable and you conveniently left out that it comes with shouting at her mother to minimize it.

OP needs to teach her daughter better ways to handle her upset, again it is unacceptable for a 13 year old to be giving the silent treatment at home for days and shouting at her parents.

Yes the part about her father I agree with others she should not be comparing and making such statements but people are then using that to try to justify a 13 acting like that.

The silent treatment is one of the few ways young teens can feel some control. It's not fun, but it's not abusive, and OP doesn't seem to be modelling successful alternative paths forward.

If people agree that she is abusing you - what would that achieve for you? Unfortunately she is your daughter and until she is an adult you kinda have to just grin and bear her attitude. The silent treatment obviously isn't abuse the same way it is from a partner - I would steer very clear of going down that line of thinking especially in front of her.

She's sulking. She'll get over it. Don't give her the rise shes trying to get out of you.

I agree with you OP.
You were the adult and made the decision you felt best. It wasn't your dd's decision to make. She is allowed to be upset and you are allowed to feel sorry she is upset.
And she shouldn't be continuing to give you the silent treatment because that smacks of a toddler having a tantrum because they aren't getting their own way.

This

She knows it's getting to you, you are giving her this weapon to use against you.

Im sorry your confidence has been so undermined by your ex that you cannot deal with a sulky teen.

@purpleRainfalling Ok. The cat was clearly stressed and unhappy if it was peeing everywhere and if it had been used to being allowed to go out and about that will have added to its stress following the move of house. So it sounds the best thing for the cat to have been rehomed to people who were able to give it what it needed. That was a good decision.

I am more than a little concerned about you though, that you think a 13 year old who is upset about the cat and is also around puberty and with hormones raging is actually being abusive to you. Yes, teenagers CAN be abusive towards their parents, but to be honest this sounds like normal teenage behaviour. Unless she is being physically violent, threatening or trying to blackmail you financially or in some other way, she is behaving like many normal teenagers who are upset and angry because something has happened that they don't like.

You need to treat it as such and try to ignore the behaviour. Don't speak to her if she is crying or shouting and tell her you will not discuss anything until she is calm and polite when speaking to her. And stick to that. You may also want to try and find out if there is anything else going on which is upsetting her at the same time as the cat

Her child is entitled to her feelings but she doesn't not get to give her parents the silent treatment for days and shout at her. That's is absolutely unacceptable.

I don't know whether you're a narcissist or not but the way you asked for advice about this and then aren't taking any of it on board is very frustrating. If you get stuck in this loop with your child instead of listening to them, I can see why it's not going well.

Your child is entitled to feel their feelings and express them.

I think you used the wrong choice of words and as others have said you shouldn't be comparing her to her father but I agree with you that the silent treatment and shouting is unacceptable.

I understand she is upset and that is expected but she needs to be taught more healthier ways of dealing with upset not giving people the silent treatment and shouting. Such behaviour will also play into her friendships as she gets older and possible future relationships if not nipped in the bud.

Yes it does because you have no insight into the fact that she’s an emotionally immature 13yo (because that’s how you are in your early teens) who is reacting the only way she knows how to something that has really upset her.

Instead you’re claiming to be the victim in this scenario.

I wouldn’t have forgiven my mother at that age if she’d rehomed a family pet, especially a cat for those reasons as cats are pretty much self-sufficient.

Actually I hesistated to use the word narcissistic in my response, but I did think it when I read your OP. This is classic narc behaviour, to be frank. Do something that hurts someone else, then be angry with them for being upset because it shines a light on your own behaviour. Expecting them to moderate their emotional response to a trauma that you caused, so that you don't need to feel bad about what you did.

You may not be a narcissist, but this is a narcissistic act.

Does she understand why the cat was rehomed?
Was it discussed beforehand?

You're reacting as if she's an abusive adult but she's not - she's just a teenager who's feeling sad and stroppy. She's not treating you like a criminal she's just treating you like a parent who's done something she's unhappy about.

Begging her is not appropriate. She doesn't have to be "OK with you". She can be angry and upset and sulky and not want to spend much time with you for a while. That's normal. The fact that the cat has gone to a good home is cold comfort to her - he's not in her home any more. But you all have to live together. You can be sympathetic to her feelings - of course she is sad and cross about losing the family pet! - and give her space to sulk but still insist that she is minimally polite to you with the usual consequences for rudeness or shouting.

Not all cats are minimal effort. My last two were a fuck of a lot of hassle especially because (like you) I had to keep them indoors. And one of them would occasionally crap on the sofa. That was bad. I kept them but it got me down at times! I am happily catfree at the moment... but looking forward to a time when circumstances are better and I can keep cats with much less trouble.

Anyway, your DD's behaviour might be triggering such an extreme response in you because of what happened with your ex. You need to get past that and stay cool and cheery if you can, otherwise it will harm you and her.

What have you done so far to help her "move forward"? Maybe people can suggest conversations you haven't tried.

Gosh OP you seem to be getting picked on from all sides in this thread..
I think the pp who are focusing on your decision to give the cat away are being unreasonable. You made the decision with the welfare of the cat in mind and the one that suited your needs going forward.

Even if the 13 year old was upset about your decision giving you the silent treatment is unreasonable. But you shouldn't be begging her to speak to you. You are validating her behaviour by doing that. I feel you should make it clear you are sorry she is upset about the cat and then you should try and carry on as normal: speak to her as normal and if she doesn't speak back to you then just accept that you aren't getting a reply. Don't make a big issue of it. She can't keep her silence up indefinitely. By letting her see it upsets you she is getting her reward for bad behaviour.

Yes and even from YOUR description and explanation of events, you still sound like you're not handling this well. Would you not accept feedback on that?

She's not her dad. She's not an adult. She's a sad and angry child. You're projecting all of the feelings you had about your ex onto her and behaving as if she has a level of power over you that she does not have. She doesn't have the power or agency to abuse you.

I agree. It was wrong and unfair to call you narcissistic.
It is also wrong and unfair to call your 13 year old an abuser.

Sit down with her. Communicate.

Because you're not acknowledging your child is a person with thoughts and feelings, who is hurt by choices you made. Not speaking to you right now is one of the few things she can control. You're looking at all of this through a very selfish lens with very little empathy/compassion.

She loved her cat and she's upset. Blimey, give her a break. She'll come round in the end. it's a bit much to accuse her of triggering you, of being abusive and like her father. I do hope you haven't told her that directly.

If you do upsetting things that destabilise children and teens (like give away a family pet) and then demand that your children should not express their emotions over it in case it makes you feel bad, then I think that is abusive.

I understand your reasons for needing to give up the cat. You should understand her reasons for being in a sad sulk over it, and not expect her to just snap out of it. Act as normal as possible around her, cut her some slack, give her a hug, and let her come round in her own time. It won't last forever.