Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

She's a stroppy teen. Of course it's not abusive, what a strange thing to think- do you always tend to view yourself as a victim?

Ignore her sulking. Talk to her as you would normally. If you ask her a question and get no reply, shrug and move on, or tell her you'll decide for her etc. Don't give her behaviour the oxygen it needs, and she'll come around.

This 100%

You did say it.

😂

Oh dear. Laughable that you pick me to blame for the pile on!

As the adult, you get to decide to dump the feline member of your family. You don't get to decide how the other members of the family feel about this loss.

Well I said it.

Stop trying to create a pile - on, for the op

I really judge you for not reading as far as post two

Ok.

There's really no need to say I'm blaming the victim

I haven't blamed anyone for anything

@purpleRainfalling I have read throughout the entire thread. I have the pleasure of being raised in a Narc family and have had years of counselling. You don't sound like one to me OP. But I promise you, you are on the road to possibly enabling the creation of one.

1. The cat had to go and that's the end of it. Problem 1 however is being bullied into it by your older daughter. NO!! You agreed so you take responsibility. Don't ever allow any child to guilt trip you again.
2. Why on god's earth are you begging your kids to be ok with this. You get a grip right now OP and stop this victimhood nonsense. Your children know you are weak and this is very dangerous if there's a history of abuse in the family and the dad is manipulative.

You don't ever do this. You might feel it. But you are giving incredible power to children. That is dangerous in this dynamic.

You do not beg. You do not tell them you feel sad or anxious over their behaviour.

You tell your daughter that you need to have a conversation this evening ( do it tomorrow so you can prepare). If she refuses you tell her that it is not acceptable to have a 13 year old completely ignore their mum in their home for this long.

When you talk you sympathise and understand her upset. Be genuine. You are sad too but it was not feasible and cat is now happy. You can be kind and loving and STRONG at once.

Tell her you need her to communicate and show respect - even if this is just a case of answering basic questions. Complete silence will not be tolerated. If she does not communicate at all still, I personally would stop everything; making dinner, clothes washing, All of it.

13 year olds absolutely can display signs of abusive behaviour; but at this age, the power dynamic is such that it isn't abuse in the same way as an adult. Plus they are learning so are malleable to change.

I've seen kids of my own narc family members adopting techniques they've learnt from their sociopathic parent as early as 13 so it's very naive and fluffy of people to belittle your concerns here. You have to live it to understand it. Your fears are very valid.

Your victim hood and complete lack of 'balls' is going to make this an absolutely huge problem though OP. I know this having lived it. I've also struggled at times myself with being too soft and a bit neurotic. It's dangerous.

If daughter carries on well she knows where her dad lives.

I'm not sure what the last part of your message to me means.

But yes the way she comes across is odd to me. It's not something I can put my finger on.

You might perceive it differently and that's fine

Like someone who has obviously been abused, ya mean?

Yes let us all bow down and blame the victim..smh

I really judge you for this. Yabu giving a cat away like you’re giving away a jumper you no longer wear to charity.

A cat is for life, you are a grown adult and you should stick by your decision to take it in.

If they cannot get rehomed at shelters they can get euthanised you know? All because you couldn’t cope with feeding and poop scooping twice a day. It’s fine once you get used to it.

@purpleRainfalling .
You recognise the silent treatment as being an abuse/control tactic
also that its very triggering.
presume you also know-then-she will come out it,same way as went in it.
You have and did make adult decision about the cat.
shes having a childs reaction. let her.
There is literally nothing to gain from buying into the silence. Sit it out.
Do not plead,do not continue to explain your actions. She is getting a reaction.
I dont care if shes kid, YOU know that the silence is "your punishment" . Leave her to it.
Some of the responses on here are crazy.I dont think you re sound awful,to kids or bloody cat.I think you prob genuine concern on how to parent\eradicate repeat pattern (awful)behaviour . ,before it becomes her go to.
@purpleme12 -odd? the ops asked a question which clearly outlines shes encountered this behaviour-but doesnt know if this is "normal teen" or potentiallyb something worse,shes then had to defend herself from some shitty responses. Odd? is jump on like the narrator and attempt to what ?-inform the crowd/sway opinion...? bizarre

Hmm, thing is - this isn't grieving is it? Or did someone die and i missed that

The cat hasnt died. It has actually gone to be better looked after. Better looked after

And at 13, I would expect a teenager to be mature enough to take a view on this, ie what is best for the cat

This teenager is making it all about them. The world doesnt work like that

It's her feelings to have Oh come on...that is the buzz phrase these days that absolves everyone of behaving shitty to others. Being 13 doesn't absolve someone of behaving in a crappy way

A person doesn't HAVE to talk to someone I do not think OP is suggesting the teenager HAS to talk to her, but is expecting a tad of respect. It is bare minimum

a teenager sulking for a week over a cat being rehomed for a better life, is not standard teen behaviour - this is something extra

Since when is your teenage child not talking called ABUSE? Would you like them prosecuted for dv too?
Poor kid you begging her “be ok with me” that would drive me to insanity. Let her feel what she needs without trying to control what she’s allowed to feel!

The cat also was wanting to escape multiple times but we live on a main road ( we didn't when we first got him) so I couldn't let him out as he would have got run over

Cats that genuinely have a strong urge to be outdoors and live the outdoor life usually cope with roads very well. It’s a risk but not a guarantee! Plus even if something had happened it’d have been a better outcome probably and your daughter could have grieved properly.

She is grieving her pet.

Her pet that its essentially your fault she doesn't have anymore, she is barely older than a child (still immature) and its only been a week.

Of course its not abusive. Whats abusive is people trying to control how she grieves this loss.

It's her feelings to have. Your feelings are yours to control but as an adult you should not put them on a child, you are the adult with maturity but a 13 year old putting it on a parent is normal.

A person doesn't HAVE to talk to someone. People go NC with family now its probably not that serious but once again just because shes young doesn't not mean she does not get to be upset at you and can be forced to play happy families.

YABU
Your DD is sulking because you have her cat away!!
It's your perception she is abusing you because of your experience
Do not " beg her to be OK with you
She is her own person, not her Father
Personally I think it's strange you have given the cat away, that's not good for your DC to see how little care you have

IME a narc will often add to things if they don't get the answer they want so it sounds like responses they do get are very unreasonable so they can then become the victim.

So e.g. "is my daughter, the only one who speaks to her dad who abused me, abusing me? Im triggered. Ive begged her to be ok with me" (odd way for a parent to think over normal sulky behaviour) becomes "I'm upset she's upset, i dont want her to be hurt, I've been reasonable, she nearly smashed me in the head with a door!!" type thing.

Eta - so maybe not a full narc but there's definitely narc traits op.

Because you are viewing your child's (fairly normal teenage) behaviour as though it's all about your feelings, instead of simply seeing it as a parenting situation that it's your job to manage. The OTT begging her to 'be ok with' you is really poor parenting. If she is rude, give consequences. If she's sulking, let her get over it.

I don’t really have advice about your daughter (not in the teenager years yet so 0 experience, just the knowledge I was an unreasonable person at that age.)

But we got a 4 year old cat and she hissed at the kids every time they passed her, they were terrified and wouldn’t walk within a meter 😂 she also peed on the kids beds about once a week. Me & DH loved her but it was too much with 3 young kids, she lives with my nan now who gives her undivided attention and she’s very happy with no kids and no longer pisses on the bed! Re-homing a pet doesn’t automatically make OP a terrible person sometimes it just doesn’t go to plan & then you find them a better more suitable home.

This is how I would handle it. Say calmly that you understand that she’s upset, but it was for the best as the new home is better for the cat in the circumstances.

Stay calm and don’t react. It is a provocation, but some teens do this.

Leave it for a while and don’t rise to it. But there should be no attempt to placate her - no begging or pleading.

At some point she’s going to need to ask you for something eg a lift somewhere not related to her normal activities, or a gift for a friend’s party or a school trip. If she hasn’t begun to speak reasonably to you by then, that would be my starting point for a conversation about respect.

She’s not abusing you, she’s being 13. Please don’t be a victim to your child’s moods. Teens push boundaries, you may have got off lightly when your 17 year old was her age but it is completely normal for a 13 year old to sulk, shout, give attitude and slam doors, sometimes for absolutely no reason whatsoever. They are going through huge hormonal changes and their brains are no where near developed.

There's just something odd about the way OP is still coming across