Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

Please stop using the word “abuse” to describe a child sulking. It’s a very strong word to use and one that people love to bash about to become the “poor you” victim. Actual abuse is serious. Not a child sulking!
I completely understand why she’s upset with you. You gave away your pet. It will take time for her to come round.
if your ex was abusive seek counselling. Be the adult with your child and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I know, that does sound massively dramatic of me 🤦‍♀️. I'm definitely getting carried away with a worst case scenario.

OP is very scared of her, I can read that much into it.

OP I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time here. Your DD is behaving like a little shit and basically needs some discipline.

whatever you do, DO NOT plead with her to be normal with you! That makes you sound like a desperate friend, not her mum! You’re in charge here! If she can’t be polite, all privileges go. So no phone, no pocket money, no friends round etc. she can earn these back by acting like a decent human being.

and ignore the posters saying a cat doesn’t need much. The point is it wasn’t working for you and you are perfectly entitled to move it on. It’s not as if the 13 year old was doing to take responsibility for looking after it! It wasn’t even hers, it was her sister’s!

seriously nip this in the bud now. She needs to learn not to bite the hand that feeds her

Or a drama queen martyr?

My DM gave away several of my pets when I was a child, including when I was a teen.

The last time she did it I was 17 and I immediately quit my A-levels and moved out of home.

Losing a family pet can be a very big deal, even if there are valid reasons. For a teen, this can be particularly hard - there’s enough turmoil and hormones going on, so grief or loss (even “just” a pet) can be really hard for them to process.

The words you’ve used about your 13 yr old are horrible. Milking it, giving you attitude, abusing you, treating you like a criminal - and let’s not forget comparing her to your abusive ex. What awful things to say about a child who’s clearly struggling with the loss of a pet. Where are you considering how she might be feeling?! You aren’t.

Your child starting nursery is irrelevant to having a cat. I understand there are other factors at play here but lack of time is how you framed it in your OP. If you were as disingenuous with your child as you’ve been here, she probably knows it’s half an excuse.

All of your posts are about what a terrible child she is and what a victim you are, with little actual care to the reason your child is displaying such behaviour. Even how you describe your 17 yr old - “guilt tripping” you into getting a cat - most people would just say persuaded…… It all just seems to be about you.

And then you’re annoyed because some people on here are trying to explain why your teen might be feeling the way she is…..and you didn’t like that either. Seems as if you’re only here for us all to agree she’s a horrible child and to give you sympathy.

Having been that child myself, I know how big this feels. And I’ve also been in the position of a parent just expecting me to instantly be fine about it - which I very much wasn’t. Your child is allowed to be upset, it’s a fairly normal reaction to losing a pet. Healthy even.

On a more practical note, you need to consider how you handled the move. Did you properly prepare her about the cat going or was it just sprung on her? Of course you’re the adult and the decision-maker, but removing a loved pet requires tact and understanding. She may well need time to come around fully but you need to consider her feelings, not just yours. This might not be something she can just “get over” - especially if you didn’t handle the move well.

Just because you’re over the loss of the cat doesn’t mean that your daughter has to be. She needs to be civil during necessary interactions but trying to force her to communicate with you and “be ok” isn’t on. She needs time, space, and understanding but she also needs to understand that she doesn’t get to be rude to you while working through her emotions.

Abuse isn’t about intention to cause hurt, it’s about impact. Many abusers don’t recognise the impact of their actions or they seek to minimise the impact e.g. someone that physically abuses their partner but says it was only a light slap/push or a parent that emotionally or physically abuses their child because they lack the capacity/skills to parent differently.

It’s also really sad that you define abuse this way and believe your 13 year old is an abuser. She’s upset and your response is to focus on yourself and your belief it’s a deliberate act to hurt you rather than focusing on her and trying to understand her feelings so you can help her manage them. I think I would withdraw and feel angry if I was her, you’re not in a space where you can fully hear what she’s saying so why say it?

If your ex/her dad was abusive, did she witness this? If so, what support has she been given to process these experiences? Even just hearing a parent abuse someone, or being abused, can have a huge impact on a child.

Coming on here afraid her daughter is an abuser? Begging the daughter not to be angry with her.

OP is 100% scared of her daughter.

She’s having a teenage strop. Bit of a leap to call it abusive.

I also think you could do with some support to manage your emotions as it sounds like you struggle with them at times.

Look you had reasons to get rid of the cat and you know it's the right choice but at 13 children are not able to properly regulate emotions so it's totally normal for the child to be upset. That said, as the parent it's up to you to put boundaries in place. Your child isn't being abusive, you just aren't parenting them (in this moment not coming for you generally). You need to sit the child down and explain that it is ok for them to be upset but there are certain behaviours you won't tolerate such as completely ignoring you. Lay out your expectations and stick to them. They don't suddenly have to become happy with you or chatty cathy but they need to follow your rules. Eventually when they are feeling better you explain why as pet owners sometimes it's our job to put our pet's needs above our own - similar to parenting.

That’s a hell of a reach, @Pantaloons99
Won’t be long before she’s clobbering op round the head?!

I imagine it won't be long before the 13 year old is clobbering her mum round the head. Otherwise, OP wouldn't be on here so riddled with fear. riddled with fear?! 🤔 where?!

You gave the family cat away, she's 13 and pissed off about it so is sulking like teens do and you want to call her abusive. Get a grip.

@Coffeeandbannans it's never as simple as learnt behaviour but always a complex mix of temperament ( biology) and environment.

I've seen and heard from mums who get battered by their 13 year olds. It's a taboo many people don't know about. As you can see from the pile on posts here about the incontinent shitting cat, and indeed yours, many mum's fail to reach out and actually do what they need to, to change the trajectory.

Abuse runs through generations of families and people need help and support understanding how they can work towards breaking the cycle. I imagine it won't be long before the 13 year old is clobbering her mum round the head. Otherwise, OP wouldn't be on here so riddled with fear. There's much more going on here beyond this silent treatment incident.

Hmm, thing is - this isn't grieving is it? Or did someone die and i missed that

It is grief. She's grieving the loss of her pet. It's just as gone forever to her as though it had died. Even if it had died, it's possible it would have been fully natural and nobody to blame, rather than someone else's choice.

This sounds like great advice op and isn't at all weird 👍

Although may I suggest always standing up to your full height regardless? Poor posture and stooping can contribute to a variety of musculoskeletal issues which in turn can lead to stress.

Oh behave, a parent retaliation like this would be abusive.

Have you tried apologising for giving the cat away without discussing it first? I’m not saying you were wrong to do so (though I would have let the cat out), but children can be extremely attached to family pets even if they don’t look after them. It’s closer to a sibling relationship rather than a parental one. Maybe ask the new family to send some photos of the cat. And definitely reduce the emotional temperature of your home. Using words like ‘abuse’ and ‘triggering’ about a child being sad and angry about her pet being given away is unhealthy. I suggest therapy if you have started calling this abuse and ‘begging’ your daughter to be ok with you. You need to emotionally understand she’s not your abusive ex. She’s just a kid. Also are you angry that she’s the ‘only one’ who sees her dad? Do you think that makes her bad or disloyal? There’s a lot to unpick and you might need an empathetic adult to speak to.

Give her the silent treatment. You have been too kind. She should not be allowed to control you like this as you are the adult and she is pushing the boundaries. Stand up to your full height and look her in the eyes. 'No'!

That's the spirit! Blame a 13 year old for her learnt behavior! Play the victim! You don't know how lucky you are to have children and you choose to view them in such a bad light. Knocks me sick tbh.

Agree with the 'she's being a typical stroppy teen' but with the added issue of she's been through lots of changes?
feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad. how many dc do you have? She'll have dealt with break up with you and her dad, new relationship and sibling re toddler, breakup with stepdad, and a recent house move, and now family cat given away?

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

Why are you begging her to be OK with you? If she's exercising the only power she feels she has, you are reinforcing the belief that refusing to talk to you does give her power. Stop doing this. You can tell her what the consequences are for creating an unpleasant atmosphere in the household and then leave her to come to her senses but you must calmly follow through on the consequences you warned her about.

I think you would benefit from some help dealing with how you react to any behaviour that reminds you of your ex.

I'm not sure why posters are focussing on whether rehoming the cat was justified, the cat did not belong to the 13 year old, you discussed the rehoming with your 17 year old and you had every right to decide how much time and effort you were willing to spend looking after a pet you didn't ask for. Your 13 year old may be upset but that would not have been a reason for you to keep the cat.

I'm not sure what your problem is but there's not really any need for the rudeness is there

"I've begged her to 'be OK with me'"

What? Get her fucking told, she does not get to give you or anybody else the silent treatment. She's 13 years old

"Yesterday she stormed into the bathroom whilst I was bathing toddler to ask for something and nearly smacked the door in my head"

If no genuine apology for that and if it was intentional then you punish her for her behaviour. Storming round like she owns the place, you need to come down on this girl hard and instantly or she's going to make everyone's life a misery and ruin her own childhood in the process.

I haven't RTWT but you shouldn’t have agreed to this in the first place and in the second place, you have treated the animal cruelly. So I think your dd is right. Poor cat.