Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

First, this isn’t abuse. Using that term is concerning because it suggests you don’t have a great grip on the actual power structure or the roles of a parent and their 13 year old. She’s not your peer or partner or superior. She’s a much more vulnerable person who depends on you immensely.

It is not our children’s job to validate our parenting decisions.Your child is upset because their pet has been given away against their wishes. Her being upset and angry is a completely reasonable reaction to this regardless of how reasonable your decision was. Your job as a parent is to recognize those feelings and support her working through them in an appropriate way. That means setting boundaries for how she treats people without trying to control how she feels. “I know you’re unhappy with my decision to find a new home for Fluffy. My job as a mom is to make the best choices I can for our family and that’s what I did. You can be upset with me, but you may not shout at me or anyone else in this house and you need to answer politely when I speak to you or ask you a question.” Don’t try to force her to pretend she’s not upset - if she wants to spend extra quiet time in her room or isn’t interested in a bunch of chat or going on fun outings with you that’s fine. But she needs to respond civilly to your asking whether she’s done her school work and ask you politely to pass the peas.

Don’t beg or force her to talk to you, but do give her opportunities to talk to you about her feelings about the cat being gone without you arguing, being defensive, or dismissing her - just listen and mirror back so she knows you understand. If she starts yelling or calling your names then tell her “I want to listen to what you have to say and how you’re feeling when you can do that without yelling or name calling.” Don’t open your decision up for debate and don’t try to get her to agree you were right. And if she doesn’t want to talk about it, tell her. “Ok sweetie, I’m here if that changes. Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes.”

I try not to respond to posts with a flippant “get counseling” but if you’re finding thoughts/feelings about your past romantic relationships (or your own childhood) coming up in in strong ways in your parenting then I’d really consider it. It’s one of the best things I did for my children (and my DH and myself), honestly. Look for someone who has a focus on parenting.

Absolutely insane that people have decided you’re a narcissist 😆 only on mumsnet !

I suspect the fact that this particular child is the only one who speaks to her dad has got everything to do with why the OP is focusing on her as 'abusive.' This is the child she can't control/who sets boundaries, who is probably the scapegoat in the narcissistic triangle.

If you think cats don’t need care you clearly haven’t owned one.

Has your daughter had therapy OP? Does she have someone she can be open with and talk to? Reading through your posts it sounds like she has been through a lot. You and her dad aren't together, he was abusive. You had a baby with another man, did he move in before you got pregnant, did she know him? He's not around any more. You got a cat, can't cope with a pet so I presume are struggling a lot with day to day life. You then got rid of the cat without asking her opinion. You are begging her to talk to you which much be pretty weird and possibly a bit scary for a teen to witness, an adult disrespecting themselves like that. It all sounds very chaotic and out of your dds control. Perhaps she is giving you the silent treatment to try and regain some of kind of control in her life.

New relationships, new sibling, relationships ending, new pet, pet given away. It's a lot of change and a lot to expect a child to deal with.

A 13 year old sulking at a parent because they are upset and having “attitude”, probably because they are angry is not abusive.

As a parent you rise above it, you ask them to communicate in a civil manner, you continue to communicate yourself in a civil way and let them know you are open to discussing when they are ready to talk (if they want)

As others have said teenagers brains go through a huge amount of change, including the areas that regulate emotion. Then add in hormone fluctuations which can massively affect mood and even the calmest children can end up stroppy, angry and irritable. Then something big upsets them like giving away a pet, of course there will be a reaction. It’s not abuse.

What do you expect honestly, how awful for a pre-teen to have a beloved cat given away, thats horrible. Cats are hardly any trouble and you sound mean.

She's giving you attitude and silent behaviour because she's thirteen! Did you never slam a door, stomp upstairs, talk back as a teenager if not you are in a very small minority. You are the adult and she's a child who clearly is not yet able to manage her emotions it's your responsibility to love her, demonstrate how to deal with big emotions and teach her how to do ot. This can be done whilst simultaneously letting her know her behaviour is not acceptable and will have consequences, I think the biggest concern is that you are projecting your feelings you have about her father onto her...this won't end well and is unfair to her.

I agree. I’m surprised you don’t seem to realise how upsetting it is to have a pet given away.

It's not abuse, but your DD should speak to you civilly. It is understandable she's very upset but she needs to treat you with respect.

However, you took on a pet too lightly and you were unlucky the cat turned out to need more attention than usual. It's a hard lesson that you have to be prepared to train a cat

I have 2 cats, but it was a conscious decision to wait until the youngest was 5 before we got the first, and I was willing to take on the responsibility and expense. Yes, generally cats are easy, but some need training, or taking to the vets - one took a LOT of training to lose the litter tray. So I agree they are easy as a rule but you still need to be prepared for the fact they might not be.

You had your reasons to deal with the situation and the cat has gone to a good home. I completely understand your daughter is upset, but I would absolutely not accept the way she is dealing with this. She’s had a few days of sulking/silent treatment/shouting (or was the shouting another time). So maybe wait until the weekend, then sit her down, acknowledge her loss and then tell her to deal with this differently (not: to ‘get over it’ as that may take a lot longer) and that silent treatments will not be tolerated in your house any longer; with x, y and z as consequences if she continues. Stay strong, OP, it’s simply not acceptable behaviour.

Having a pet rehomed as a child is one of the most traumatic things they can go through.

They are grieving the loss of their pet but also it’s not as simple as a death, their mum has chosen to take it away.

A 13yo cannot grasp the implications of owning a pet and all they see is their mum has taken their pet away from them, which is heart breaking.

Its very difficult to read that you think your child being sad is them abusing you and then blaming the 17yo for making you get the cat.

Gently, you need to stop playing the victim.

If your child is rude then call them out on it and explain how hard it was for you to make that decision but don’t dismiss their genuine feelings or act like you’re the one being abused/being hard done by.

Firstly it sounds like you have a lot on your plate - a toddler, a distressed 13 year old and a 17 year old. I can understand why a cat who was pooing in the bath was just too much!

Also I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been in a relationship previously in which your ex gave you the silent treatment. Have you had any support for processing what happened in this relationship?

The reason I ask is because unprocessed stuff can easily be triggered by interactions, particularly with children! Even processed stuff can be triggered too - I recall feeling ‘bullied’ by my 3 year old and it tapped into all sorts of difficult feelings from the past. In that frame of mind it’s then really easy to relate to the child as though they are an abusive or bullying figure from the past.

If I were you, I think I would allow her to not talk to me for a while. Just give her that space.

This is partly because I think if you try and force/beg her to talk to you, she will just dig her heels in and it will last longer (I remember as a young adult feeling so angry with my mum that I couldn’t bear to talk to her and she then told me off about it which made me feel even worse!). Think of it like tug of war - if you stop pulling on the rope then she won’t have to work so hard pulling against you!

Also begging her to talk to you could make her feel dangerously in control and almost make her feel that she is “like her dad”, even if it’s not said explicitly.

I think what I would do is tell her that: -

• it’s totally okay for her to be sad and angry that I rehomed the cat and I understand why she would feel that way
• I would wonder with her if it left her feeling that she had no control over things that happened
• I’m sorry that I did not realise that she felt so attached to the cat and loved the cat
• I will not be asking her to talk to me anymore and that I will be here and ready to talk to her when she is ready

At a separate time, if necessary, I would also let her know that my job is to make sure everyone in the house is safe physically and emotionally (although you’re the adult so you can tolerate the ‘silent treatment’), so I won’t allow certain behaviours (eg. Aggressive door slamming in front of her baby sibling).

Good luck

I'd ignore the silent treatment. However, their would be consequences for any rudeness.

I certainly wouldn't be crying and begging her to stop. You're giving her way to much control and power over you.

I'd be saying I understand that you are upset, hurt, sad (whatever) about the cat. Those feelings are normal and valid.. it's not okay for you to be rude, back chat (whatever). If you continue the consequences will be XYZ. Then follow through.

I think that’s awful advice. For a start giving messages to children that family pets are disposable if it ‘isn’t working’-sure there are circumstances where rehoming is the answer but you can’t expect children not to be sad about it. Punishing her for feeling upset? Yes, you can explain calmly that it’s upsetting to be ignored but you trust she will come round. In the meantime, just be matter of fact about things. But withdrawing everything in some petulant tantrum because your kid’s upset over a necessary action isn’t the way forward. It will lead to resentment and bad feeling.

@Heyheyitsanotherday ! silent treatment IS abuse.its a very basic entry level version which when prolonged and utilised regularly is fucking awful.
thats not news.it always starts somewhere.

As the child of someone extremely narcissistic who thought she'd worked through the trauma ~ this was INSANELY triggering on so many fronts.

OP, it is NOT your daughters job to regulate her emotions to appease you. However, it is your job to raise her to have decent manners. For example, there should have been consequences for shouting at you, for violently slamming doors (?) and for not answering direct questions you ask her. Have there been?

I would add yes you have a right to make decisions like this for your family, but your daughter absolutely has a right to not agree and to dislike whomever she pleases! She should be responding to you cordially, but it could be a while until she wants to talk to you about anything non-essential. Unfortunately, if you have not raised her to not shout/respond politely/be generally well-behaved until now, then suddenly demanding it now is likely to be an uphill struggle.

I'm 42 and still resent my mum for giving my pet away (she denies it but I know she did).

I don’t think it’s the 13 year old being abusive. She’s sad because she lost her pet-yes I’m sure she thought it was a pain at times but that doesn’t mean she wanted to give it away! We all think pets and even our spouses and kids are sometimes a pain but it doesn’t mean we want rid of them. So instead of begging her, explain to her calmly your reasons and acknowledge her sadness. She is a young teenager-you are her parent so don’t take out your mental health issues on her.

@fliptopbin yes that definitely could also be in the mix on some level

Hmm, thing is - this isn't grieving is it? Or did someone die and i missed that

Grieving doesn't actually have to be about death. It simply means to feel intense sadness about something.

I’d have cried for about a month if you’d got rid of the cat when I was 13 tbf. don’t think she’s ’milking it’, this seems like a normal level of upset to me. She’ll get through it if you give it time (but she will be bringing it up on the regular for the rest of your life!)

Or good old fashioned transference.

@DoreenonTill8 no, I appreciate it can seem that way . I think OP has experienced or been exposed to a fair amount of abuse historically tbh. There's a huge risk that kids can adopt these tactics. OP is scared of her.
The word abuse in relation to a teenager feels very wrong and triggering. I really think OP is just articulating her fear and her instinctive sense that her daughter is possibly becoming quite unpleasant.
No way this ignoring incident is the only thing leading to this post.

Presumably you talked it through with her and had tried everything to resolve the issues? At least 2 litter trays, vet visits feliway etc? She's clearly upset by the loss of her pet and needs time to adjust.

Im not sure why it couldn't go out? Ours go out the back and have never been near the main road. You could still open windows on the latch.