Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

It’s not about the cat. You made a decision it couldn’t remain in the home. Whether she disagrees or not, you’re the adult and your daughter is the child. She is not behaving very well at all but to be honest, neither are you.
You have adopted a victim mentality on here.
Your child is not behaving appropriately, it’s likely due to emotions but she needs support in dealing with her emotions and knowing she cannot behave like this.
Forget the psycho babble, don’t talk about “abuse” and “silent treatment “. Your child is acting in a way you don’t like and needs to be addressed. Help her.

I’d be really upset if my mum had given away a family pet when I was a teenager!

We have a cat who is so much a part of our family and my now grown dses would be devastated if I just gave her away, as would DH who never wanted a cat in the first place!

I think your Dd is expressing herself in one of the only ways she feels able and it is obviously working as it is getting to you!

Ignore some people on here Op, it’s easy to say you’ll clean up cat piss and shit happily for ever more…actually having to do it is a different matter. It’s extremely unhygienic for one thing.

There are some holier than thou types on here who think that being a woman and being a parent mean you have to be a martyr and just put up and shut up - you don’t. @purpleRainfalling

I have read your posts and can see why you needed to rehome the cat. So now you need to own your decision. Stop begging yur daughter to be okay with you (that's a little weird). Let her be angry. You can tell her it's not okay to give silent treatment or yell at you. But she doesn't need to reassure you that she's okay with you!
It sounds like you need to work on your own conviction. Some previous posters went overboard saying you were narc/abusive. But I do think you sound deeply insecure. You're the leader of your house, so make a decision, stick to it,and don't worry if not everyone agrees with you.

Did it not occur to you that even tho it may have been an incontinent old cat that your daughter may have loved it dearly and you seem utterly devoid of remorse and oblivious to the distress you caused your daughter. I feel really sorry for her. Your more concerned about your own feelings then hers. Your entitled to make the decision you did regarding rehoming but at least try and act a little bit sorry about it even if your not

I've told her I know she's sad = validation

and I've explained the reasoning = dismissal (undermines the previous validation)

and what I would really like is for her to communicate = giving her instructions on how to piss you off, she now knows the silence is bothering you so she will continue it because she has no other power

When you try to keep explaining why the action someone is upset about is in fact the right thing, you are sending the message that their feelings are therefore wrong. She didn’t think giving the cat away is the right thing. She’s upset. That’s it. You don’t need to argue you case or win or convince her to be OK with it. Her emotions are hers, not yours to manage.

The OP lives on a dangerous road, which is a good enough reason in itself. As for those who think a cat doesn't need much care, they can’t be cat lovers! Cats need a lot of love and care and if the OP couldn’t give the cat the care it deserved, she did the right thing!

Just to give you some perspective to what your DD may be feeling. I went on holiday when I was 16 years old. When I returned, my mum had rehomed my dog without talking to me about it. It hurt me so much and even now when I think about it, it's not very pleasant (I'm 41 now).

Your DD is just coming into that age where hormones kick in and the mood swings start. It's a really strange time for girls because they are feeling all these new emotions and may not understand why they feel so irritated or angry about things. Having raised 2 daughters, (both now 20 and 18), I can say that your DD's behaviour is fairly normal for her age in relation to being angry and upset.

Begging her to talk to you is not going to help in this situation. It's giving her the power because she has the control. If it was me, I would carry on as normal. Talk to her as normal, in a normal tone, such as saying things like, "What would you like for dinner?" Then if she doesn't reply, you could just say, "I guess I could make jacket potatoes". If she wants something different then she will have to let you know by talking. As awful as it sounds, once teenagers know you aren't bothered by what they are doing, they soon stop doing it.

When she does start talking again, try calmly and lovingly talking to her about how she is feeling. Maybe plan an activity that she really enjoys that you could both do together so you have some one to one quality time.

It won't last forever and she will be talking to you again soon.

You sound really cold hearted about this. Have you even considered that your 13 year old may have loved the cat and be genuinely distraught that you gave it away?

I can't imagine how upset I would have been as a young teenager if my Mum had given away the family pet. I'm not sure I would have ever forgiven her but hey, make it all about yourself and how 'abusive' your child is being 🙄

I think there's a few things here op.

Firstly, you weren't managing the cat. It was doing your head in and you didn't want it in your house. Fair enough. You'll know for again that you are not a pet person and next time you will just say no straight away. Sometimes we need to make crappy decisions as parents to keep on top of things. This has been one of them.

Secondly, yes your choice of language was too much in describing your 13 year old as abusing you when she's having a sulk. However, that's your past trauma talking. Her behaviour has been triggering for you and you're finding that emotionally difficult. That in itself is normal and natural, but you need to take charge of it and get in front of it before you're parenting from a triggered place rather than from a grounded place. That means going for counselling/speaking to a support worker/ doing meditation or writing things down or whatever self care works for you. It also means stepping back and reminding yourself that you are the adult parent in this scenario. She is not your ex. She is an innocent child. And you are in control of what happens in your home.

Thirdly I think you could maybe use some more tools in your kit to lean on for moments like this when you feel triggered so you're not doubting yourself as a parent, or doubting her intentions. Your ex abused you because he wanted to and because he could. She's a child, in the middle of puberty, who's lost a pet and has a parent who cannot safely and appropriately Co parent. That's going to be a lot for her. It's going to be confusing and at times upsetting. You have to be her safe place which means you need to see HER in the midst of her behaviour.

It sounds like you need to put yourself in the driving seat in your home op. You need to set clear boundaries with your children. No means no in your house. Everyone pitches in together. If you don't play nicely with each other there will be reasonable consequences. If you're finding that hard then a parenting advice service might be a good shout, there's a few good helplines out there.

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse?

This triggers me massively too, my dad was a stonewaller/gaslighter and so was an ex of mine. I can't deal with it at all and would never again be in a relationship with someone who did it because it is something that causes me immense distress.

So I can understand why you feel abused because you're having a trauma response, but I don't think that that means that she is abusing you.

I say 'abusing me'as she's frequently shouting at me amd giving me attitude and silent treatment

Of course a teenager can be abusive but there would be a threshold and a lot of that stuff is normal and common and teenagers grow out of it.

What did she witness when you were with her dad?

It’s not about the cat. The only important thing here is the relationship and dynamic between you and your DC.

Lots of PP have mentioned pursuing individual and family therapy and the importance of understanding emotional validation - but you haven’t seemed to respond to any of these points?

You say you are struggling, you’ve had a traumatic relationship- don’t you think you and your children deserve mental health and wellbeing?

Don't ever get another cat, or any other pet. What a drama you made of it.

And goodness only knows what you did to traumatise the cat so badly that it was defecating urinating everywhere. Possibly he or she (it is a horrible way to describe a cat) got fed up of the " constant fleaing and worming"

i am glad the cat has a new home where it is safe from the road op

How can you underestimate the responsibility of a cat?! You research it before carefully deciding if you’re committed to looking after it for its whole life. Thats how pet ownership works.

Another living thing that gets treated like a disposable possession. Please don’t ever get another pet.

YABU and cruel to not only abandon a low-maintenance pet that you've made a commitment to, but shame your (much more compassionate) daughter for her feelings. Poor girl, my heart goes out to her.

Is this a wind up?

You are the parent. She's a child. She may be 13 but she's still a child. And just because she disagrees with you doesn't actually make her wrong. It's perfectly possible for two people to hold different views at the same time. She's upset because you rehomed a cat she was fond of. That's a reasonable thing to feel. She isn't abusive. That's completely ridiculous. She's upset and cross.

This.

sounds like your DD has some deep wounds. Maybe family therapy or at least taking her out for dinner to talk to her one to one to see what’s going on in her world.

My cat roams around outside, climbs the fence, sunbathes on my sun lounger and only comes in for food. No trouble at all. I can see that your situation is different though. Yours seems to be an indoor cat with all the problems associated with that. Litter trays in particular. Maybe the cat was just wanting to go out. You've probably done the right thing by rehoming. Hopefully he's happy now.

It's very worrying that you're describing a completely normal upset teenager as "abusive", and that you're tying it in with the fact that she's in contact with her father. You really need to stop thinking like this. It's extremely damaging when a mother treats a child differently because they remind her of their father.

I would have been devastated beyond words if my parents had given away a pet when I was thirteen. I'm not surprised she's stopped talking to you.

Discipline for the attitude and ignore the silent treatment. God I'd love my kids to stop talking to me for a week. 😆

I think this is amazing advice for the OP and her family - very balanced