Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

@Anotherparkingthread

hmm… are you not sure what else to say as you know I have a fair point?

A reply of the exact calibre I have come to expect on this site.

@Anotherparkingthread

OR…OP’s daughter as she gets older may realise it’s unfair for her mother to have to keep cleaning cat piss and shit out of the bath day in day out, and have some empathy and compassion for her?

Knew a recently single mum who regimed their dog for same reasons . Teenage son was similarly upset. He said ‘you got rid of my dad now you’ve got rid of my dog too’. Perhaps there’s a bit of this going on in her mind. Could she feel like you get rid of people/things if it doesn’t work for you regardless of how it effects her? We can understand entirely why but she’s too young and naïve to ?

It's not about being a perfect parent. I am simply very busy and a combination of past disappointment (though actually nothing as bad as selling my cat!) and current demanding nature (she's unwell) mean that I would rather spend my limited free time with people I chose, not who I just happen to be related to. Being a child to somebody doesn't you are obligated in any way, being a mother does at least to a point.

He went no contact after she kicked him out one night when he was 15. She said a few things she shouldn't have and he literally hasn't spoken a word to her since. He didn't go into care he sofa surfed and managed to get a job. It's rude and assuming that she thinks she might get information through me, frankly if he wanted her to know he would tell her himself. She made her bed she can lie in it.

It isn't an 'oh no poor mothers can't win' situation. It's a case of actions having very real consequences and while the parents love for a child may be unconditional the love a child feels for a parent is much less so. Just because op can try to force her daughter to behave cordially now in the short term, doesn't mean it has any bearing on what she can force her daughter to do when she becomes an adult. Her daughter will be able to make her own choices and my suspicion is that one of them will be to distance herself from her mother.

Can I ask

you seem very overwhelmed and struggling, have you spoken to your GP?

13 year olds are dicks. There, I said it, she will prob be milking it, they’re walking talking bags of hormones

from a mum of a 15, year old who does the same thing!!!

She's upset you gave away the cat and she doesn't know how else to express it. Perhaps she feels that being silent is better than arguing. You could have asked the children to help out more with the cat before making the decision to rehome (kids, please help me with chores or we might need to rehome the cat because the litter tray is quite a bit of work), BUT it sounds like the poor cat was really stressed out and will do better in its new home, weeing everywhere is a classic sign of stress. If the new owners are giving you updates then share them with your daughter. I know the people we rehomed our cat from take a lot of comfort from the updates even 2 years on.

@Anotherparkingthread

no such thing as a perfect parent. Seems a bit harsh to cut off your parents just cos you find them demanding. We all have flaws.

why did your friend go no contact? If his mother forgot his existence and never mentioned his name - would that be preferable? No, she’d probably be thought of as cold and callous if she did that.

Women (especially mothers) just can’t win!

@TawnyHabenero

you didn’t ask to be born either so I presume you don’t do anything for your parents? No birthday presents , helping them out when you can, phoning them for a chat etc etc

Kids owe their parents nothing. They did not ask to be born.

Healthy relationships come from mutual respect (which is modeled by the adult), not a sense of debt or obligation

Most of the people I know who's parents thought that now have kids who are completely no contact. I am myself on low contact with my family and they haven't even done anything wrong, I just find them too demanding.

I've got one friend who's mother begs for information on him and how he's doing if she sees me in town. He hasn't spoken to her 15 plus years.

Oh my god. The Op did the responsible thing for the cat. It's done now and she had valid reasons for it.

@purpleRainfalling Sorry that everyone jumped on you. You need to get your confidence back as a previous poster mentioned and stop doubting yourself.

I would try a different approach with your DD. Try just smiling at her and praising her when she says or does anything nice.

Completely ignore the horrible behaviour. When you react to her bad behaviour you fuel her perception of you (as per her dad). Be nice and kind.

It will take time, but I do think you can win her back. Just don't try too hard. No more begging.

@Anotherparkingthread

“She doesn't owe you conversation or nicety,”

what ever? Of course, kids owe their parents that!

An excellent post.

Yes, exactly @AGoingConcern. This is what I meant @kkloo

Coincidentally, over explaining is usually caused by the explainers unhealthy need for validation.

Whatever your reasons you ‘got rid’ of an animal she loves and a week later you’re saying she’s ’abusing you’ because she’s upset and doesn’t want to talk to you. I’m sorry about your past trauma I really am but she sounds like a typical teen who is very hurt and you sound far less mature than she is!

Ignore her back until it seems ridiculous.

You live in the same house. Eventually you’ll both have to break the lack of communication.

I think it's abusive to sell your 13 year olds cat and then force her to behave cordially with you.

She has the right to non violent protest lol. She hasn't screamed, shouted or sworn. She hasn't done anything outside of not wanting to talk to you. She doesn't owe you conversation or nicety, especially when you have done something that upsets her.

For what it's worth I'd not speak to you either if you sold my cat.

Explanations for our decisions as parents are important. But there's a difference between explaining our decisions and then allowing our children space to have their own feelings - including negative ones - about those decisions versus using repeated explanations to try to convince our children to feel a different way or agree we were right. A lot of people struggle with that distinction, but it's an important one, and OP sounds like she's doing the latter not the former.

Sounds like she is very upset about the cat going. It doesn't matter that she didn't want the cat in her room, it's the fact she got used to the cat being there and now it's gone. She might also be disappointed and upset that you could just give up a pet like that and question why you would. DH and I both work full time with 2 DC and we have a cat and they are not hard to take care of. It's the reason we don't have a dog as we would have loved one but know they are far more demanding. Yes cats do need strokes, attention and care for feeding etc but they are in fact the easiest pets. I have had fish and hamsters and cleaning cages and tanks are far more work. My cat goes in the garden, buries her poo and no problem. Children also aren't mature enough to express their upset in the way adults do.

Poor kid and poor cat, at least the cat is somewhere where it is appreciated now, as it sounds like you treated it appallingly.

Completely disagree that explaining the reasoning is undermining the previous validation.
Explanations are important.

@TorghunKhan

read Op‘s posts.

It’s a cat. They require zero effort. You feed them. That’s it.

id rather loose a limb than one of my cats.

Also op, I think it's important to say that even after an abusive relationship it takes a long time to feel self assured and confident in the decisions you make because there's usually been so much gaslighting and emotional abuse happening to disorientate and control you. So I think what's happening here is that you're doubting yourself too much which your children can see, and like any child would, they are using that (not maliciously just curiously) to try and get what they want. Your dd wearing you down on the cat is actually a perfect example of this. All the justification you're giving here as to why you had to rehome the cat is another. This is totally normal and you're not the first person to go through this... but you do need to do some work on yourself to rebuild that confidence in your own decision making. And you will get there.