Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

I think it would be helpful for both your daughter and yourself if you read up a bit about borderline personality disorder and undergone some therapy. I find it alarming that you think a cat is too much work and that your 13 year old is finding excuses to abuse you, but that’s neither here nor there.

You are acting like a child. First, your comments about the care the cat required are bizarre. You got rid of a pet without telling her. How do you think she should react. You are the adult. You get to live with the consequences of a decision poorly reasoned and even more poorly communicated.

But there are wider issues when you think your 13 year old is "abusing you" for not speaking to you.

Don't use the word abusing when what it is is sulking.
She is not your ex.

OP you have my sympathies. It wasn’t your pet. It was your 17 year old’s pet & she wasn’t taking care of it. Of course you should re-home it…it’s not a question of what it does - not being litter trained is part of it - it’s irrelevant. It’s not your pet. As far as your DC giving you the silent treatment & being rude to you goes … don’t accept it. I’d suggest a serious discussion & a dialogue regarding consequences if this behaviour continues.

I know what you mean, it's the spouting of the 'happy mum=happy kids' 'as long as you're doing what you want your kids need to learn that's what matters' 'so what if you want to move 350 miles and change schools, if YOURE settled, they need to learn to come around'....

You gave away a family member and gave a terrible example to your children that it’s fine to take on animals and then give them away when you CBA. Yes YABVU.

Couldnt agree more, the poor children.

Would it have been an option of possibly for her to keep the cat by taking it to her fathers? If so maybe you should have let her do that but at the end of the day if she wasn't prepared to help with the cat she should move on and accept that it had to go.

I haven’t read past your original post, but if my mum had of given away our family pet I probably wouldn’t have spoken to her either. She’s hurting. Stop projecting.

I'm genuinely disturbed at how lightly the word "abuse" is being used nowadays. I'm at the point where, if someone describes their ex as abusive, I take it with a large dose of salt - because "abusive" may just mean "we had an argument once". Which is unfortunate, because it means victims of actual abuse are going to be taken less seriously. If teenagers are now being labelled abusive by their own parents for expressing perfectly valid emotions... words fail me.

Overwhelming to take care of a cat? One of the easier animals to look after.please don’t have any more animals.they need forever homes.!

Hi op,

no she isn’t abusing you. You were left hurt after an abusive relationship.

she may acts like her dad. She isn’t her dad though.

Please, put a boundary down quickly and let her know that she can’t soeak to you only when she wants something but that she has to answer nicely when you talk to her. If she wants to be quiet the rest of the time…it is her choice op. Let her and speak to the others. She will move on to the next thing when she sees it doesn’t work anymore.

Good luck 🌺

You might guess I’m a cat person. Ideally, you should have found out more about the cat before taking him on eg was he litter-tray trained?
Also, you might have considered the traffic being an issue with the cat when you moved.
However, you may have been told he would use the litter tray and moving next to a busy road may have been unavoidable.
You are right to protect him from escaping onto a dangerous road, but an ‘indoor’ cat is a big responsibility. Most people who decide to keep their cat indoors create a boundary around their garden and often build a catio to entertain their cat, but it’s costly and requires time and resources.
I do sympathise with you. When you had the cat your home was in a safer location. You’ve done the responsible thing in re-homing him away from a dangerous road where he can wonder safely and with a living family.
I wouldn’t waste another moment being embarrassed about the cat poo in the bath! The guy has probably seen a lot worse in his job!
Don’t punish yourself about what you’ve done, but be sympathetic to your 13 year old who is,understandably upset. I would have been at thirteen and I would still be upset now if I had to give up one of my cats. Show your DD some extra love and understanding and explain the concerns that lead you to re-home the cat.

A child can't abuse an adult.

The power difference possibly means that she's demonstrating her opinion in the only way she has.

If every parent of a teenager who stopped talking to them said they were abused, things would grind to a halt.

Is the silent treatment from your child abusive? No. I'd say it was being a moody teenager. On the other hand, I would have been incredibly upset at that age if my parents had rehomed a pet against my wishes.

Sounds like you made the right decision to get rid of the cat.

I bet your daughter wasn't doing much of the cleaning up when it pissed and crapped everywhere?

Your 13 year old is definitely exhibiting learned behaviour from her Dad. You can't control that aside from sanctions / removing her phone (recommended) or grounding her.

However you absolutely can control your reaction. That is the only thing you can control in this situation.

Don't beg, don't plead.

Ignore her behaviour as much as possible. Easier said that done, I know when they are pushing your buttons like that...just recognise it for what it is.

I think you’d benefit from some emotional support/therapy to deal with the trauma from your past relationship. I think you are projecting his behaviour on her, she’s a child upset about a decision outside her control. She’s not abusing you.

I think you should just ignore her too, I’m sure she’ll need you before you need her! Pandering to that type of behaviour never ends well IMO.

Doubt you've ever had a cat have you? Vets bills, fussy eaters, bringing in mice, walking on the worktops, shedding hair, scratching without warning, vomiting behind the settee, shredding furniture, litter tray - they might be slightly more independent than a dog but that has it's downside too!

Based on your update, you did the right thing rehoming the cat. The cat was telling you that it wasn’t happy in your house. Give the 13year old time.

Your 13 year old can't verbalise her feelings.
Is she autistic by any chance?
She may have really liked that cat.
Maybe she feels nobody understands her and the cat did.
It's tough being 13 and trying to be allied to two estranged parents. Quite a job she's taken on for herself. She must feel pulled apart at the seams sometimes.

Have you tried to talk to her in gentle tones?

You are the parent so you can't take this personally but instead try to communicate with her. Keep reaching out and acting normal with her.
Show her your love even if she's being an arse.
Because sometimes a kid gets stuck in a huff and cannot get out of it on their own.

This absolutely . When I was a child my controlling narc father did this to me and it still plays on my mind 30 years on .Leave her be she is upset and this is her way of dealing with it. Put yourself in her shoes.

No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to abuse an adult. You seriously need some counselling.

Teenagers tend to have a very sensitive injustice trigger, and they don't have the life experience to be able to apply nuance. She probably has a very black and white view of the commitment of taking on an animal, and you have let her down by not living up to that standard. Teenagers also tend to live in a constant state of frustration that they don't get to make the decisions and have to put up with being 'done to' by adults they no longer consider infallible (or even competent 😂)

Let her have her space to sulk. This is all part of her growing up and learning that the world isn't perfect and people won't always behave the way she thinks they should. I wouldn't tolerate rudeness or aggression, but choosing not to talk or engage is pretty much the only form of control she has, so let her have it.

I think you should try to shut down this connection you've formed between her sulking and her father's emotional abuse. Abusive adults do have certain traits in common with angry teenagers, but it's the teenager who is behaving within the normal range. Her brain isn't supposed to be fully developed yet. It may look the same, but it isn't.

Just wondering how much time a cat can take up, I’ve had 3 at once, worked full time with two under 5’s. You rehomed her cat, something she loved dearly and was no doubt emotionally attached to. Silent treatment is going easy on you. Think about what you’ve just put your DD through and the emotional damage you’ve done? She’s clearly processing this. Pets are part of the family and you’re clearly not an animal person which is why I think you did what you did quite easily then came on here to sulk feeling badly done to because you’re daughter has well and truly seen it with you.