Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

She's not a young child, she's 13.

You have a victim mindset which is understandable if your ex is how you say he is, but you're also an adult and a mother - stop blaming the 17 year old for "guilt tripping" you and stop blaming the 13 year old for being upset about an upsetting situation and let her grieve in her own way.

@VickyPollard25

well, she’ll not have to do either now she no longer has the cat will she. Problem solved.

It takes less time to clean up the mess than to go online and complain about it.

@VickyPollard25

lol! Lazy because she doesn’t wanna be cleaning cat shit out of the bath?! Yeah right, Hun.

we get one life, we need to live it, not play the martyr.

Nothing to do with the whether you were right to wrong to give away the cat. It was probably the right decision given the circumstances.

Your daughter is a 13 year old who does not know how to control strong emotions. The teenage years are a difficult time because you, as a parent, need to aid the teen into understanding how to regulate feelings, whilst dealing with your own emotional reaction to their behaviour.

You are swinging from begging her to accusing her of being an abuser. That's two extreme emotions.

Remember she is a child who grew up with a father who abused her mother. That affects children and add another complicated layer to the diffculty of teenage years. She is also still being used by her father as a pawn in that abuse (isolated usage too seeing you said she's the only on her father chose to keep seeing). She's also living in a house where her mother has gone on to create a new family - extra difficult if things are done that make her feel you don't like her - and like her the least of all those in the house. (You gave the cat away she loved (though could have been anything really). You are angry she sees her father. You are annoyed with her for not cleaning up after the cat but not the 17 year old who brought the animal I to the house?)

But you do need to remember that you too have emotions you need help with. You've been in an abusive relationship, no one is unscathed by that. Your relationship with your 13 is complicated by the fact she, alone, still sees her father.

You need to figure out how to deal with your emotions towards her before you can deal with her emotions.

Well said.

The drama! Just clean it up and get on with it. It sounds like you have too little to do, not too much. Frankly, you sound lazy and self pitying.

I’ve owned several. They don’t require a level of care that interferes with holding down a job and raising a family.

Issues with pets often arise out of neglectful ownership. Not managing working and fleas means you have a problem in your household with worms and fleas. Not keeping litter trays clean means they don’t use them. Can you blame a cat for that?

There are methods for dealing with cat behavioural issues. It just takes a little effort. This poster clearly wasn’t willing to make any effort.

“Constant fleaing and worming”? You can get one shot at the vet that covers a year.

Leave your windows partially open, so the cats can’t get out. It’s simple. You still get fresh air.

Put a bin bag around the entire litter tray, put the litter in and then each day (or as needed) empty the entire lot into a large bin bag along with the kitchen and bathroom bins and take it all outside to the outside bins. It takes 5 minutes!

If there are behavioural issues, take the cat to the vet. It should be neutered. If it’s not using the litter trays, make sure they are clean.

It sounds like you just didn’t want a cat and you have got rid of it and these are all excuses.

I still can’t believe you got rid of a family pet and want sympathy because your daughter is sulking at you.

How can you have no time to care for a cat? All they need is food and water morning and night and a safe place to live. Also visits to the vet are once a year, unless the cat is unwell (rare if an indoor cat). In a house with children there would be plenty of people to play with the cat and give it attention too. I think your daughter doesn’t buy your excuse for getting rid of the family cat.

I work full time in a pretty demanding job and am sole parent to my daughter. Taking care of multiple cats is not a problem for us and I can’t see how someone couldn’t look after a cat - they are fairly self sufficient. In the evenings they will come and sit on our laps and sleep at the end of the bed. Occasionally they will want a treat, or a scratch or cuddle in the day if I’m working from home. It’s not like having a dog who needs a lot of exercise or can’t be left alone while you go into the office.

It sounds like your cat is in a better home now so I’m happy for it. Honestly, who gets a pet and gives it away? A pet is for life and should be considered part of the family. I don’t blame your daughter for being hurt and angry.

I hope you told the people you gave the cat to about the behavioural issues.

Although I suspect you didn’t as they would not have been willing to take that on.

What will happen when they learn about the weeding and pooing is they’ll surrender the cat to a shelter where it might have a short succession of owners before being euthanised.

I don’t blame your daughter.

typical 13 year old behaviour to the situation. I think you need to seek therapy and stop relating every situation to your ex as a trigger.

you made a bad decision by bringing a car into what sounds like and already busy, stressful and emotional household. I think you have now done the right thing by rehiring the cat - it was unhappy.

your daughter is having an emotional response to that. It seems perfectly age appropriate- you sent away her pet. It’s a lot for someone who is already full of hormones and uncontrollable emotions.

you, however, are coming across as emotionally immature. Let her have her emotional reaction to this. Stay calm, but tell her she will need to move passed this. But it’s only been a week for heavens sake😊.

give her, and yourself, a break. Life gets hard sometimes.

Oh come on. Cats get stressed living in a small house with young kids. That can cause all the peeing etc. OP's a single mum in a council house with at least 4 kids. Life is hard enough without the entire house being a cat toilet.

Probably not an ideal home for any cat but lots of cats would be fine. This one wasn't. There's nothing wrong with responsibly rehoming a pet if things aren't working out. The pet doesnt care who it's owner is - it just wants a suitable environment.

Do not beg her to be ok with you. She’s not in the position of power here even though that’s how her behaviour has made you feel. Calmly tell her that silent treatment is not acceptable and if she has a problem then she needs to talk it out calmly because going through life trying to punish people with silent treatment is no way to treat people and will get her precisely nowhere. Basically, encourage dialogue as a more positive way of coping with difficult emotions. She’s allowed to be sad about the cat of course but not in that way.

Screaming, shouting and swearing at you, possibly. Being physical with you, yes. Sulking? Of course not.

Shes upset about the cat. Not sure why you re-homed it? We’ve 4. They’re no bother at all 🤷‍♀️

Come back and the main focus is still on the bloody cat. The cat will be happy now! It won't be near a main road hopefully. At least OP recognised she couldn't manage the cat and found it a better home. I love animals. I had to re-home small pets due to serious illness. It's horrible but sometimes you aren't in a good position. I'm pretty sure there will be no more cats for OP.

Hoping your daughter is talking at last and if not you've come up with a way of addressing the whole situation with her.

Her DC was seventeen. They wanted the cat. The OP agreed to them having the cat as THEIR pet. The seventeen year old didn’t take responsibility for it so she’s supposed to take care of a doubly incontinent cat for the rest of its days? She said she re-homed it with a lovely couple … she did the right thing.

Yeah maybe get some toys or something for the cat, or a catio, those could have been options. I agree with other posters I think pets shouldn't be dispensable & this is not something you should be demonstrating to your children.

The op agreed to take the cat on. You don't agree to a pet as the adult thinking kids will take care of it. That's painfully naive

Why agree to a cat if you don't want to take care of a cat?
You can't blame your other child you're the adult.
Now the family has bonded with the cat you chose to take on you are getting rid of it. I get why she's upset. You aren't being abused by your child.

There are two different types of silent treatment.

The first is offensive, designed to hurt an innocent party. Shouting and banging can occur to increase the effect.

The second, is defensive and designed to protect oneself from being hurt further by someone who claims to be the innocent party but really is not. Shouting and banging about can form part of this one as it is hard to keep it up and emotions held in can become overwhelming and burst out inbetween bouts of silence.

In this case, OP has done something that caused pain but is pissed off that the outcome of that pain is being displayed. She wants the child to not feel hurt, not for the child's benefit but for her own. She wants the child to behave as she wishes, not as the the child feels. That's very apparent and is giving narcissistic vibes. Given that, I'm not sure which sort of silent treatment is in play here because it could just come down to poor word choice.

P.S. OP said, "17 year olds cat", not "17 year old cat". That does not necessarily mean an elderly cat, as some have taken it to be.

Absolutely this.

💐

She is not abusive. She is reacting in a developmentally normative way to something you have done. Got rid of a loved pet. This could also be potentially construed as abuse if we're using that absurd lens.