Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

Shes sulking. That's being a teenager. Did the 17 year old not sulk from time to time?

Shes not her dad. I really hope you haven't drawn that comparison to her face.

She can sulk as much as she likes but she doesn't get to be rude, when you require a response she needs to be civil, if she isn't then you give an appropriate consequence.

Yes I understand she's upset ive told her this and maybe I've done something awful In her eyes

Great, you acknowledged her feelings…. But then..

but I don't think I deserve being treated like im a criminal for so long

You give a but. As soon as you add a ‘but’ you are dismissing the feelings and counteracting the acknowledgment you just gave.

‘You are allowed to be angry with me but actually you are not allowed to be angry with me to this extent or for this long’

The in love while parenting app is free and a great start to understanding this stuff

I don't think DS would forgive me if I gave away our cat, you work on problems you don't give them away. She's sad and probably angry, she feels powerless and this is the only thing she can control. It's not healthy to compare her to get father, insinuating there's an issue because she's the one who maintained a relationship with him, calling her abusive because she's while understandably annoyed with you so it's choosing to disengage, that's often advice given here!

I agree with PP you need to engage with appropriate therapy

No, she's just being 13.

Abusers often behave in emotionally immature ways - it is then difficult when you have children with them and the children seem to mimic those ways, but they are being children (usually) and will grow out of it. Whereas the abuser was the one who should have acted like a reasonable, mature adult.

Not nice.
But
She's communicating with you, doing it because she knows it bothers you. You're feeding off each other in this.
Only one of you needs to change, and as adults we have better capacity for concerted change than kids. As parents we can change our reactions and sometimes it's like a magic wand how a child will find this intriguing and very slightly unsettling.
So that's the way forward. Stop letting it bother you. Or stop letting it show it bothers you whatsoever. She wont speak to you? Ignore, go speak with someone else. Every time. Go off into another room singing if that's what it takes.
She will realise that connecting with you will require words, or nice actions, or whatever it is that gets a reaction.

She like most will think u got rid of the cat cos u didn’t want it. They really don’t take up much time. Lots who work full time have cats.

Are you for real?

In your child’s eyes (yes, 13 is still an emotionally, immature child) you have given the family cat away. She is entitled to feel a sense of grief rather than you emotionally manipulating her by saying things like “begging her” like you begged her absent father.

If anyone is abusive- emotionally abusive- it is you.

If you want to protect your relationship you really need to consider family therapy and some one to one psychotherapy for yourself to process your trauma and be the grounded and calm parent they need.

Some signs of an unhealthy dynamic here:

the 13 year old is milking it.

there were times when she didn’t even want the cat in her bedroom

Dismissing and invalidating her feelings - how can you judge if she is overreacting? You aren’t inside her head, you don’t know how she feels about the cat

She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

She feels unable to express her feelings to you, perhaps she expects you to dismiss them. Attitude is normal teenager behavior.

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

You need therapy to work through those triggers and stop conflating her with your ex

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me

Yes

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'

This is so unhealthy.

I'm so very anxious and sad

Please get the therapy you need and deserve. Maybe EMDR and/or psychotherapy help you.

She needs you to acknowledge, accept and validate her feelings.

‘I can see you’re really upset about the cat leaving.’

‘You won’t want to talk to me, perhaps you are feeling angry and frustrated?’

Abuse indicates a power dynamic where the abuser has more power. She's 13, not throwing her weight around, just disengaging. Silent treatment can be abusive but coming from a child I don't think it is. Also I'm not sure what you want to gain by categorising it in that way. Did you want to use that emotive language to your daughter?
Essentially you want to make an unpopular decision and you also want your daughter to be OK with it. She isn't OK with it, and you need to get to a place where that's fine with you, you can accept that she feels upset about something without being triggered by it. You are the adult here, it isn't her responsibility to manage your emotions.

You are using some big words - abusive, triggering, punishment for a child who is being a bit of an arse. They have some big emotions that they don't know how to deal with it. You give them power by begging them to speak to you, but you are the parent. You need to speak to someone who can help your child manage their apparent grief.

I like cats but that is not the issue. You made the best decision for you and the cat is in a nice new home.

I don't think it's quite normal to sulk for a week as a 13 year old but I think all teens develop an awareness of what pisses you off and so they use that to maximum effect. Rather than beg for her forgiveness maybe tell.her that when she wants to talk and can do so politely you will be there. Then clean slate and move on.

YABU. It’s not abuse. She’s deeply upset and this is the only way she can be heard. Presumably she did not want the cat rehomed and said so.

Yes at 13 her brain hasn’t developed and she’s not got the maturity to be abusive. It’s like me saying that my 2 yr old is abusive because he woke me up twice last night and refused to eat his lunch and then demanded a snack 5 minutes later. It’s not abuse it’s the behaviour of a 2 yr old.

I really think you’re letting your experiences with your ex ruin your relationship with your very normal sounding daughter, and I’d get some help dealing with it personally.

She’s sad and sulking - that’s normal behaviour for a 13 year old and I think suggesting it’s abuse is extremely overreacting, it’s part and parcel of being a parent I’m afraid.

I assume you took the cat to the vet where it was weeing everywhere?

She may not be dealing with it in the best way but she is unhappy and 13. She may not forgive you for it. I probably wouldn't have at that age.

However you do need therapy for your past or you do risk projecting your ex onto her.

What on earth did you expect would happen when you gave away the family pet??? A cat takes absolutely no looking after apart from feeding once a day and cleaning out the litter box. If id have done that my DD would probably have hated me for years!

Perhaps the cat was stressed if it was weeing all over the show, I’m shocked anyone wanted a 17 yr old cat with a peeing issue ti be honest but there we are.

Your child is sulking- leave her to it, she will come around when she wants something.

I wonder if your irritation with your dd got muddled with your irritation with the cat.

You’re looking at this from the wrong way around.

She lost her dad and then another family member (albeit one that she maybe didn’t bother with too much) is also leaving. It’s yet more upheaval for her and she’s a teen, drama is second nature, she is still figuring out the world. Hurt people: hurt people.

Her behaviour is shitty, but it’s not without reason. Try and meet her halfway and don’t compare the behaviour of a child with that of a grown man, it’s unfair and also gross. Be clear with her, set out your boundaries and tell her when her behaviour is unacceptable, inappropriate or disproportionate. Don’t beg her.

Updating following the cat drip feed - probably better that the cat is somewhere its needs can be better taken care of. Does your daughter want a pet? Maybe something more manageable? Could you have a conversation about that, and about responsibility? It just feels you are putting a lot of judgement on a kid.

I would have been devastated if my parents had rehomed one of my pets when I was 13, poor girl!
How much trouble is a cat during the day anyway? They mostly just sleep

Pets aren't machines. They are often messy, smelly and inconvenient. My dog is 15 now and frequently pisses and shits on the kitchen floor, even though he can go outside. It's my job to deal with it, I wouldn't dream of giving him away.

You aren’t being ‘punished’ OP.

Shes sad and expressing that she’s sad.

You need to think about this through a lens of her feelings, not your own.

So get a not old indoor cat and maybe she'll forgive you. Also better to get a female as their ranges are naturally smaller and they often don't crave running around outside as much, especially if they're lazy/more interested in food and sleeping.

Was the cat neutered? What was its history?

Did you talk to her about the cat rehoming before it happened?
Did she understand? rehoming a pet is a big thing let's face it