Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

Just a different perspective; my DH was a sulker when we first met and he’d give me the silent treatment - it was awful. Really, utterly awful. He doesn’t do it anymore as we basically worked through it together. It came from his childhood where he was made to go to his room and not talk about his feelings whenever he’d have any (another reason why I’m against this and ‘naughty steps’ as ‘punishment’).

Please, for the sake of your child’s future partner or friends, get a grip on this and work through it with them. Talk to them about how silent treatment is unacceptable. Don't beg them to talk to you as it gives them power and don’t give in either. When they’re ready to talk to you, have a conversation and explain why silent treatment is unacceptable and that it won’t make you change your mind on decisions you’ve made. Help them find ways to communicate their feelings and work through their issues with another human being - in this case, you. Let them have an outlet for their feelings, let them have the chance to get their point across whilst you listen and then you give yours. You can be firm without shutting them down and letting them ignore you.

Please don’t less them be this person as an adult.

Yes but in this situation her daughter isn’t being abusive. She is just sulking like a teenager does. She is obviously upset about the cat and is struggling to forgive her mum, she is not being abusive.

OP, she a stroppy 13yo and sounds fairly normal to me.

You are the adult here and need to parent her, I'd tell her how things are going to be, make it clear that it is so you can work which will benefit the whole family including her, and then move on.

If she sulks, ignore her. If she shouts at you, tell her not to be so rude. Apply appropriate consequences but rise above her resentment. She'll get over it.

my sister did this ti my mum sometimes for up to a week but with no explanation as to why. My mum and sister were super close until she hit teenage hormones and overnight become a moody teen. I also have a friend who had to replace his teenager daughter’s door as she’d broken it from slamming it and also did the silent thing. I’m just trying to say this is pretty common teen behaviour. Not sure what if anything you can do but I wouldn’t agonise over it being your ex influence or whether you did wrong with the cat

Did you not read about the problems the cat had? It deed need frequent attention.

You are the adult here. You are responsible for your household. You let the cat in to your home. You decided not to keep it. You are entitled to make those decisions. Own them. The 17 year old didn't make you get the cat. The 13 year old isn't abusing you. Grow a spine and take responsibility.

Give it sixty years or so and you might have a chance.

Looking on the bright side, she's not blaming the toddler for your decision.

Your 13 yr old is allowed to express upset, and I would hazard a guess that the silent treatment is due to the fact you are incapable of proper parent-child interaction (as your posts demonstrate) - that poor cat is simply the tipping point.

Your child is not abusive - you are simply dealing with the fall-out of the effect your behaviour and attitude is having on your child. Rather than trying to justify your actions by the long list of wrongs that other people (and a cat) have committed against you, seek help to support yourself toward healthier behaviour and relationships with those around you.

Really? I'd feel very betrayed if my parent gave away my cat and wouldn't feel like communicating with them either.

13 year olds can be abusive. Treating someone like shit doesnt automatically become ok if you are under 16 years old

Being under 16 has never absolved anyone of wrongdoing.

Your teenager sounds like an immature little child. Sorry but yeah giving a cat away may be upsetting but no one gets to carry on sulking for a fucking week! She's 13 not 3. Not her decision to make

She's got learned behavior from her Dad

STOP BEGGING HER to talk to you. This quite literally gives her more power and yes it is an immature power game.

You do realise your daughter is a child??? She’s not abusing you FFS! I can’t really believe what I’ve read.

13-year-olds sulk. Because they're children.

She’s a teenager who’s pissed off with her mum! You're the worst person in the world to her right now but it will pass.

Never compare her to her abusive father tho, that will destroy your relationship.

When cats relieve themselves on the floor it’s either due to a medical problem or because they are very unhappy. In your case it sounds like the latter.

Please take it to a cat rescue so the poor thing can stand a chance of being somewhere it’s actually wanted.

edit: I read your update, I’m glad it’s found a good home.

I know it's not the point of the thread but, tbh, this.

You literally need to put food and water out for it, done. They care for themselves.

Your 13yo is upset and a teenager. Don't pander to it. Act as you normally would, and eventually she will come out of it.

What good would it do to frame this as abuse? Absolve you of your parenting responsibilities? You need to figure out what is really going on with your dd and work on your relationship with her. 13 is hard, learn how to be there for her.

It's not long term don't be dramatic.
She's a kid who's been upset and angry for a week.

She not abusive.
She's someone with literallyno power here. She has no control, no say. She probably feels abused if anything! Powerless, voiceless.

You can't start to see your child as your abuser. You just can't. You're the adult here. You cant decide your child's understandable upset and anger is abuse of you.

You have to deal with it firmly but calmly and kindly and acknowledging her feelings and not demanding she prioritise yours.

okay, honestly? People view pets differently from each other. Some see them as a full family member. Some see them as an addition/novelty/toy. You seem to fall in the middle. Your 13 year old seems to fall in the family category.

I don’t want my toddler in with me whenever I’m going to the toilet, doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Your teenager didn’t want your cat to wee in her room.

A week of silent treatment is extreme, but from your comments, she’s not giving you that. She’s also shouting at you. She’s communicating with you exactly what is wrong. She’s a human being who can’t turn her feelings on and off. You can’t ask her to “fix” her attitude or not be hurt with you, she couldn’t do that for herself if she wanted to.

It does sound like (as someone who has done cat fostering on and off) your house wasn’t a suitable home for that cat. Marking outside the litter box is a sign of a very anxious cat, the constant escape attempts also. He wasn’t getting enough stimulation in your house.

this was something that would have been best dealt with as a family. “cat is anxious. I am the only one who looks after cat. Everyone needs to get involved to make the marking stop. we’re going to try x steps (usually removing anxiety, providing lots of enrichment and hiding places, maybe outdoor time) which you older kids are going to do. If all those things don’t work or aren’t done in x time period, we have to conclude we’re not the place for cat, and they need to leave.”

You asked the person who brought the cat in if the cat could leave, and they agreed. That wasn’t enough for 13YO, who viewed cat as a family member to be disposed of.

The damage is done now, and she needs to work through it in her own time. What you need to do is take a step back and stop viewing yourself as the victim in all this. Act normally and give her space to heal. Shut down any yelling/screaming, by all means, but in a calm way.

No, she's not abusing you. You're being ridiculous.

Stop laying your baggage on her.

She has learned from somewhere (her dad?) that the silent treatment is legitimate way of dealing with a dispute. It will not serve her well. It's no way for adults to conduct themselves. It's worth calmly and consistently reinforcing that.

The cat is your decision to make as the adult.

It does sound a bit chaotic with your 17yo "guilt tripping you" into getting a pet and then you deciding it is all too much and giving it away, as well as begging the 13yo to "be OK with you" - but OK, everyone makes mistakes so chalk it up to experience. And honestly, better rehome a cat than neglect it.

How long had you had the cat anyway?
How many children do you have?

It does sound a bit like you are struggling to step up and be confident in your position as the adult.

She is sulking. It will pass.

And stop with the "I am being triggered" nonsense. You don't get to make yourself the victim when you give away the family pet and your child will not pretend to be okay with that.

Your child is a child.

And as such will behave childishly on occasion.

You are the adult, and her parent, and it is your job to recognise when she's upset and help her to get through that.

Currently you're teaching her that being upset (and yes, potentially overreacting) is making you feel attacked.

This isn't how to handle this situation.

Does she know all of the reasons the cat was rehomed. If not sit calmly and explain to her and acknowledge that it's very sad but was best for the cat.

After that explain why 'silent treatment' is not acceptable and that if she would like help from you to work through her feelings then you're there for her (and do be there) and until that time, like everyone else when they're sad but unwilling to talk about, she will need to get on with life as normal best she can.

Be honest with yourself. Do you resort to silent treatment/'having a break' if your kids are stressing you out?

Your messages do read as if you are quite emotionally over reactive yourself so it's not totally fair to blame her for acting the same way.

At 13 she is not a “young child”. Infantilising teenagers is really unhelpful.

Being sad that your cat is gone is quite understandable. Giving you the silent treatment for a full week is not.

Sorry OP, she's being a brat. Tell her you were understanding to begin with as you know she loved the cat, but it's time for her to grow up and stop punishing everyone around her (because this will 100% have an effect on the atmosphere of the house) because she's upset. Don't "beg" her. You're the parent. You're in charge. Let her know that.