Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

Some unhelpful comments here. You have a right as an adult boy to want to look after a cat. We've all been there with kids saying they will look after a pet then they don't. So up to you. Your reaction to her silent treatment though shows you need therapy. You have been abused by your ex and you absolutely must deal with that so you can effectively deal with your daughter. There are some helpful comments on here about how to do that, but please please get some help processing your ex relationship. Good luck.

This I think it's mean you gave the cat away, they really don't require much in the way of care.

Very much this!!

It does seem these days that whenever someone does something that someone else doesn’t like… abuse is taking place 😂😂😂😂
Its utter bollocks 🥱

Just ignore the fact she's sulking and get on with things normally. Otherwise you are just feeding the sulk.
Bit bonkers to get rid of a cat on account of the effort involved though. The whole point of having a cat is that they require minimal effort.

Oh do give over with the therapy speak. Abusive. Triggered. She's a 13 yo and you gave away the family cat. Get over yourself.

You sound as though you want to be the child in this situation.

Do the people that you've given the cat to know that he's weeing everywhere? If he had a cat tray this isn't usual and l hope you took him to the vet in case of a urine infection. Your daughter sounds like a typical stroppy teen, but she was upset to lose the cat and is showing how she feels by not speaking to you. She is certainly not abusive! She will come around eventually but she might not forgive you.

She’s a stroppy young teen. Ignore her ignoring you. When she’s not getting attention, she’ll soon stop.🙂

Oh for goodness sake people....why does anyone put adult intentions on a child! She's 13 FGS! She doesn't know how to tell you how upset she is. I'm guessing she hasn't had much effective role models to learn from. She is an emotionally immature child, which is normal, and she needs adults to teach her how to handle big upsets. If that's not you, maybe she can speak to a teacher or an aunt? And maybe it's an opportunity for you to improve your own emotionally literacy.

And what punishment is put in place for the way your child speaks to you?

If my 13 year old gives me attitude and shouts at me, then that would not be acceptable and there would be consequences e.g. no phone.

13 is young. 13 is a child. Op has a young child.

Never beg your child to like you. Never.

Stop acting like the victim in this scenario and grow up.

She’s a 13yo girl, parent her.

YABU and she's 13, this is what they are like. Don't ever compare her to her dad if she was abusive. It's not her fault he was abusive and she didn't choose to be born to an abusive parent. You did a shitty thing getting rid of the cat and she's angry, you just need to have patience and deal with it like a parent rather than trying to be a victim.

I think you'd all benefit from some family therapy and you should get so.e individual anxiety to deal with your anxiety.

It's not my fault I got a cat I couldn't handle and then got rid of it. My dd manipulated me into it.

It's not my fault my teen isn't talking to me, she is being abusive.

You need to work on owning your own decisions and being a firm parent to your kids. Framing yourself as the hapless victim although it may make you feel better isn't actually going to solve anything. Woman up and take control of parenting.

She is probably sad about losing the cat. Sulking is common in teenagers who aren’t always able to articulate how they are feeling.
Id suggest acknowledging her feelings but pointing out how happy the cat seems now.

Op you have a victim mentality (narc?) that's clouding your judgement I think.

Did you take the cat to get checked out? Sounds very unhealthy if it needed constant flea treatment, de worming and litter changed. And why not let it out?

Just parent your teenager. She's a kid, you are the parent, your emotional wellbeing isn't her responsibility.

As pp have said, tell her what the rules are and impose consequences if she doesn't follow them. E.g. shouting is unacceptable and basic courtesy is required, but she is free to feel annoyed.

And combine that with trying to be sympathetic about how she feels about the cat. It's not unreasonable that she's upset, even though your decision to rehome the cat was also not unreasonable.

And otherwise try to stop letting it get to you or at least don't let her see that it does!

I would have been absolutely devastated if my mum had given away a family cat, and probably wouldn't have wanted to speak to her either. She's not being abusive, she's showing you how upset she is. She is entitled to feel that way. Particularly as it is a cat, they are not very hard to look after and you can still go to work and not worry about them. I expect your daughter loved the cat very much, even if it belonged to her sibling.

This!

FGS, OP! Be her parent and do not act like a rejected friend. You are the adult here. You model the appropriate behaviour, set the boundaries and enforce them calmly and consistently.

You are creating so much instability for your teenage daughter who, from the sound of it, needs structure more than anyone else in your house.

I am also wondering just how much care you think a 17 year old cat needs? It's not a dog that needs walking and training. I have an elderly cat myself. She really only wants to sit near me and occasionally get a few cuddles. For the rest, she sleeps most of the day. All I do is feed her and scoop the litterbox once a day. It takes less than an hour a day and the kids can join in too. Things like brushing the cat and cleaning the litterbox can be done on the weekend when the kids are at home.

Edit: I read you update. You did the right thing with rehoming. Your house might have simply not been the right situation for an elderly cat.

She's not abusive, she's thirteen and angry.

You haven't even given the cat a chance by letting it out, or cat-proofing your property, or building a catio - you just got rid. If my parents had done that, I'd be bloody angry too.

You have done the right thing op.
Tough decision to re-home the cat but I have read your update and I think you did what's best for the cat and your family.
You need to know that. You did the right thing.
Next step is a conversation with DD where you explain all the reasons with concrete certainty.
You also need to listen to her and encourage her to explain her feelings, is she angry at you or upset about the cat?
Then you should talk about her behaviour to you and what is and isn't acceptable. Being angry at you is fine, but disrespectful and silent for a week, not ok.

Op, I wonder if you could benefit from some therapy. There are quite a lot of issues here.
There's a sense of emotional immaturity - both in relation to the cat, and in relation to your daughter.

To address the cat first, it's not great to adopt a pet that you don't want. You either want to commit to it or you don't adopt it. There's no sense in saying 'well I never wanted it anyway' afterwards, that's a bit naff, you're an adult.

I adopted a nervous cat that had accidents outside the litter tray and I got quite upset about it, so I understand, but we got medical causes ruled out and looked at the behavioural causes - stress, anxiety, not enough litter boxes. It took a few months but with increasing litter boxes and time, she settled and it doesn't happen anymore.

A previously-outdoor cat can become a happy indoor cat with a catio, with enrichment in terms of toys, a cat wall, etc. I think this may fall on deaf ears as you never wanted it anyway right, but there are so many options. Jackson Galaxy is your friend here.

And just from a moral perspective, the idea of adopting a cat and then having it rehomed because you never really wanted it anyway is pretty poor. Shelters around here are at capacity and there are increasing numbers of strays. To add to the number of cats needing a loving home, instead of step up and work out how to make your cat feel content, is sad. A content cat is not a lot of work at all. Trust me. I have eight.

To address your relationship with your daughter and your fear that she is portraying behaviour from her dad, I think to even have that thought process must be so damaging and worrying for both of you. It's not fair on either of you. For various reasons, I understand the worry, but I really think therapy can help with this. The last thing you need is to harbour this sort of concern and potentially pass it on to your daughter, to leave her feeling as though there's an inevitability to her character development, that she'll end up 'just like dad'. Please look at getting someone to talk to. You need to be her safe space, you need to be able to discipline her when appropriate, without her behaviour coming at you through a filter of worry/panic. She's your daughter, she's yours, you can't love and cherish her and discipline and help her, if you're looking at her with any kind of fear.

Abusive is tricky.

Many three year olds have tantrums. They shout, scream, cry, hit.
Are they abusing their parents?

We don't normally say they are. Because most children have tantrums. It's a normal developmental stage. Parents have the power, not the three year old.

Again, many teens have arguments with their parents. They shout and scream but mostly don't hit. It's generally accepted that having rows with teenagers is within normal development and so most parents wouldn't say their teen is abusing them (this is obviously different if there is violence etc).

You gave away the family cat. She's upset and not talking to you. She is not being abusive. You are massively overreacting to her sadness and upset.