Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

Can you access counselling OP? It’s a bit worrying that you perceive yourself as being bullied by your children (who are apparently guilt tripping and abusing you). You need to be the adult who can model healthy emotions and behaviours to your children so they can mature. You’re not able to do that yet.

Do i think it's ok that she's refusing to talk and move on.. yes I do think that's wrong

Have you forgotten what it's like to be a teenager?

Too much drama going on in your house i think.

I find it concerning that you're linking her understandable anger at you getting rid of her cat to her abusive father. TBH I think you're the one with the issues and by asssuming a victim role and putting the blame for that onto your child, you sound narcissistic.

Come on mumsnett you all know this is stupid to say about a child.
If its not men or the inlaws being abusive or next door NOW a child being called abusive.
It seems like everyone is abusive on here.
OP its a cat she loved you got rid of it no need for it a cat takes less care and time than any pet unless its a fish or bird.
Some parents dont see how toxic they really are untill the child leaves home and goes NC.

So your ex was abusive and your DD sees him. You have a new husband and young children and now she's upset about the family pet leaving.

Honestly it sounds like your DD has been through a lot and she is grieving.

She is not abusing you.

Your victim mentality is very unhealthy.

Yes YABU. And your daughter isn’t abusive.

Obviously but it's not the sort of behaviour to encourage or accept in a child.and she should be taught healthier ways to manage disappointment and being upset.

She’s a child that just lost her pet. Op I get that you have problems but think about how you would have felt as a child, tell her you understand and give her some time x

But that's not the issue, you are painting yourself as a victim of abuse from your child, and that is wrong.

She's 13. You rehomed the family pet a week ago. She's expressing her unhappiness about this in a fairly common way for a 13 year old to do so.

You are a classic case of victim abuser. "Self-centred abusers who frequently feel sorry for themselves. Even if they cause the problems in their relationships (which is usually the case) they don't see this reality and they feel victimised even though they cause the problems."
The very fact you jumped to the conclusion that a sulking teenager is "abusing" you speaks volumes OP. Your teenager is obviously upset and can't talk to you, but you are making this all about you.
You should never have agreed to the cat in the first place but some how your 17 year old "guilt tripped" you. Get a grip and parent properly, you sound very immature.

I have two cats and a dog. I adore the bones of them but you’re quite right, OP. All pets require and deserve the emotional and financial investment of care. It’s work! It’s no walk in the park. And it sounds like rehoming will benefit the cat long run.

As for your not abusive but very sad DD who doesn’t have developed coping skills to help her face her legitimate anger and grief, try and remember that she’s lost her pet. It doesn’t matter if she wasn’t super snuggly and demonstrative. She loved her pet in her way. Don’t doubt her love to benefit your narrative. Sorry to be blunt. Love is love. Pets are supportive companions for many of us. You’ve made a hurtful decision which also happens to be the right one. Sit with both of those truths and accept it. You’re kinda demonising your DD to appease your guilt. Just a little bit.
Instead, own your incredibly difficult decision. Acknowledge that it hurts others. Remember that you’ve made the right decision with the best of intentions. Trust that time will heal.
Have the talk with your daughter that SHE needs. And withdraw a bit. Give her space and time to be angry and learn to accept her loss. This isn’t about you. It’s about the decision you had to make and how it’s landed for your daughter who has yet to find her way to maturity. Slow and steady. Just give her time and space and love (from a distance if you must). And stop beating yourself up too. The decision had to be made. You’ll all move on. 💐

I'm also puzzled at a cat taking too much time.

Did you take the cat to the vet to rule out a physical cause for the behaviour?

I'm not suggesting you are a narc but yes if you were it would probably bother you a lot that your dd isn't speaking to you because it challenges your need for validation.

You can't force someone to move on. Tell her you live her and are there if she changes her mind and wants to talk then enjoy the silence but keep doing everything you normally do to reassure her that you still love her. So keep cooking for her, telling her she looks nice, getting her a Friday treat, whatever you normally do on a day to day basis and just let her ride it out.

No your sulking teenager isn't abusing you.

Stop begging her, and stop comparing her to her dad. She's a teenager. You've got rid of a pet she loved. She's sulking and upset and a teenager.

Right, just seen that you also allowed your 17 year old to guilt trip you into buying the cat in the first place. I'm afraid you sound very self pitying OP and that you're no more mature than your teenage children.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stand your ground and model calm, adult behaviour. Your children need you to be their parent and they need you to behave in a way that engenders their respect.

13 year olds often behave dreadfully. I disagree that it's abuse ..I think that's quite a damaging label in these circumstances. It's giving more power to the teens behaviour than is justified and places you in the role as victim . If you behave as if these are now your roles...abuser and victim then I fear it may become the norm.

Heavens, you've had an easy ride here, op. I think you’ve behaved dreadfully and now you’re accusing a child of being “abusive” for being upset about it. Get your head out of your arse.

You can't really put her behaviour in the same ballpark as your ex who is an adult. It's unfortunate that her behaviour has triggered you, but that's not her fault and being the adult, you should try an override the temptation to respond in the same way by begging. It's not going to work anyway and probably didn't with your ex either. That your default in either case is to beg probably has more to do with your childhood events than your ex.
Cats are easy to look after if your circumstances allow, the problem was moving to a main road so not being able to confidently let them out . That would be why the dirty protests, that doesn't usually happen, cats don't usually have an issue with house training.However, given the circumstances, you chose right to rehome.
Have you explained to her that it wasn't fair on the cat as you couldn't let them out? Tell her the cat will be much happier where she is now. I think if you have dressed it up as the cat being a lot of bother for you, that could be why she's holding it against you, when really, you did the best for their welfare.
Apart from that, dig in and wait, and if things come up that she wants to do, she will have to talk to you or miss out. She won't hold out forever.

Yes you really do have a victim mentality. It's clear to see from your posts. Of course she's understandably upset you gave away her cat.

Why on earth are you begging to a 13 year old who needs a strong adult around? Just ignore her nonsense ... she's playing games with you and you are letting her