Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

She is not abusing you, and your use of victim-ese, has a whiff of burning martyr about it. She is controlling you however, you cant let her do that it isnt fair on you, and that sort of behaviour sets her up for being in very destructive relationships in her future

if my cat wasn't such a confident little thing, he'd probably be much the same. he rarely ever leaves the room we are in. when we go out, we shut him in the bedroom, and he understands the difference between "won't be long" if we're just popping out, he usually goes to sit on the windowsill and wait for us, and " see you later" if we'll be out for a longer time. then he finds himself a comfy spot to snooze for a while.
he gets up with whoever gets up first, goes to bed with whoever goes to bed last, and sleeps on the bed (or in it if it's properly cold)
if he was a nervous sort, I'm sure he'd have separation anxiety. he always wants to be wherever we are.

It really depends on the cat. Mine had separation anxiety and for a long time would have urinated all over the house when I went out. It took me months to train him out of that and then working from home over covid undid it all and I had to start from scratch when I went back to the office.

Cats really don't take to much looking after so I find it odd you thought you had to be in all day taking care of it. I understand your DD being upset. Kids become attached to pets quite quickly. Don't beg her to talk to you. Let her get on with it. She'll need to speak to you before you have to speak with her so let her have her huff & it'll gradually pass. I understand it may be triggering for you if that's what your ex did, but she's a child. Don't give her the control over your relationship with her like he did. If she gives attitude when she does speak to you, remind her who she's talking to & there will be a consequence if it carries on.

OP still hasn't discussed that point

I wouldn’t have kept the cat either. I would’ve spoken to the kids about it first though? Assuming maybe you did?.. what was your 13 year olds stance prior to rehoming the stinky cat?

This!!
Just ignore her behaviour, I wouldn’t be begging her for anything… when you’re ignoring the behaviour and she’s not getting any gratification from it she’ll get bored.

If you think that behavior constitutes abuse, you’re not ready to raise teens. You know what would be abusive, though? Making your feelings regarding your ex into your child’s responsibility.

You gave away her pet. That’s why she’s angry. I suppose you can just fit I’d her from being angry and invalidate her feelings because they remind you of a former partner. But then we’ll be reading your post in ten years about how your adult daughter has inexplicably gone no-contact, despite your being a perfect parent.

Gosh I think you are being very unreasonable here.

firstly- Of course your dd is angry with you; you told her she could have a pet, then forced her to give it up after she was already attached to it - that’s devastating! A pet is like a member of the family. If my parents took my pet away I’d find that very hard to forgive.

Secondly, your dd is expressing her very valid feelings- she is not “abusing” you. She’s a child. You are the one with the power here. It’s really really terrible to compare your dd to her dad and take out your resentment at him on her. She will pick up on your feelings/ comparisons and it will ruin your relationship. My mum was like that to my sister a bit, as my sister reminded her of my dad, she would project her feelings about him onto her . My sister no longer speaks to my mum because of it. Your DD can’t help who her dad is and she is not responsible for his behaviour.

you'd have been better off rehoming the 13 year old.

I say 'abusing me'as she's frequently shouting at me amd giving me attitude and silent treatment

Thats what teenagers tend to do though.

Your child has seen her father abuse her mother, her father leave, you've recently moved house, and you have children ranging from 17 to nursery age, and you gave the cat away. that's a lot of upheaval for a 13 year old. You need therapy for projecting your issued with her dad on to her.

She’s a teenager who is sad to have had her pet given away! That is not abusive.

DH and I both work full time and have 4 cats. They sleep all day and look after themselves beyond feeding and flea/worm treatments. You ABU to get a cat if you aren’t going to litter train it and look after it properly and to not understand your child is grieving the loss of a pet she loved. A 13 year old feeling sad and angry at the person who caused their issue is not abusive. It sounds as if you put yourself before your children and their needs which is incredibly unreasonable.

You could maybe try to be understanding and talk to her about her very reasonable sadness. Explain your reasons for giving the cat away and say that you’re sorry it’s hurt and upset her. That might be a good place to start.

Omg rude yes, but abusive!!! That’s an insult to people who really are abused! Get a grip, she’s a child who’s upset about a pet. Tbh how much looking after does a cat need! It’s not like a puppy that needs walking and constant attention, I think the mother has been unfair to her children, getting a pet and then getting rid of it. It works both ways, I’d be pretty fed up with her. She needs to grow up and give her child time to get over the loss of the cat and leave her alone !

You have explained your decision. Her silent treatment and sulking I'd now just ignore; act normal and dont show interest. . But when it turns into nearly slamming doors into your head tell her firmly thatvis totally unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. If she argues repeat yourself. Tell her you will discuss and listen to her viewpoint if and when she behaves properly and speaks calmly. If appropriate use sanctions that she will recognise as consequences and be prepared for more silent treatment and tantrums. So do as above again!!

cats definitely DO need care. they need regular feeding, they need their litter changed regularly, they need worming and flea treatments, and if they're even a tiny bit like ours, want to have attention pretty much all the time. he gets up with whoever gets up first, and goes to bed with whoever goes to bed last, and sleeps on our bed all night. usually on my chest, purring his little heart out.
just because you CAN turf them loose to poop in neighbours gardens and find their own food to supplement a bowl of dry biscuits doesn't mean that's enough for the cat.

It ok- your daughter is sad that the cat was rehomed. Teenagers generally do have an attitude and become sulky. Explain calmly your reasons for re homing the cat and your expectations re behaviour then step back. Don’t compare your daughter to your other children. Let it be. Do not project your issues with your ex on the child. Are you upset that she is speaking to her dad? If there are wider issues regarding your relationship with your daughter, I would recommend family therapy.

This.

She can be upset but needs to know she can’t disrespect you. You need to make your boundaries for respect very clear. I wouldn’t be granting her what she’s asking for if she’s being rude.

Exactly this. A cat takes up so little time that it makes your excuse for getting rid if it ridiculous. I suspect you just didn’t want it. Which makes you irresponsible for agreeing to get it in the first place.
If my parents had rehomed a pet of mine as a child I may still not be speaking to them now (I only semi jest). But in seriousness, I’m not sure some people fully understand the attachment people can have to pets.
And as for suggesting that this behaviour from a 13 year old, whose pet you gave away, is abusive towards you is actually insulting to anyone who has suffered real abuse of any kind.

OP what strikes me most from your post is you have said you have ‘begged’ your daughter to treat you nicely. You’re the adult, the parent, why would you need to do that? Ultimately that might be the problem. The cat issue is a red herring I think. Are your DDs siblings all respectful to you? The 17 year old sounds like she listens to you going by your OP. It may well be the common early teens monster stage that your DD is going through, but she may not grow out of it if you can’t command her respect at least. I think if you were to write a post that seeks advice especially for that you would get more tailored responses instead of people talking about the morality of cat rehoming. Shouting and slamming doors is fairly standard for stroppy teens having a moment and silly to call abuse but if she’s getting physical or anything else sinister it’s not silly at all and I can only imagine how you feel and you probably need specialist advice.

No she shouldn't have accepted the cat. She's the adult. It's obvious the cat is yours as the adult. What was the 17 year old going to do? Take it to uni or take it into rented accommodation? Obviously not. She's the adult and should have only taken on a pet if willing to care for that pet.

Op all of your posts are really histrionic and it sounds like you’ve created an unhealthy dynamic at home where you believe you are the victim and are putting adult intentions onto your children. It’s also clear it’s a problem for you that your DD sees her father and rather than accepting that in fact it’s normal for children to love their parents- even bad ones, you see this as evidence she’s going to be like him.

You really need to access therapy for yourself and perhaps family therapy too. You are adamant you’re not abusive but parents can quite unintentionally fuck up their children in spite of their best intentions and I’d say if you’re begging a 13 year old to be ok with you while internally harbouring suspicions she’s an abuser like her dad, you’re well on the way to doing that.

If you own a pet you have a responsibility to care for it. With pet ownership comes bodily fluids. If you think life is too short for dealing with that then you shouldn’t get a pet. It’s that simple, and yet so many people are confused by this.

When my cat was a kitten he had bouts of diarrhoea, do you think I enjoyed cleaning that up? Of course not. But I got on with it because I love him and because he is my responsibility. He’s not a commodity or a toy, he’s a living being with all the bodily functions that come with that.

For all the energy the OP has expended on making a massive drama out of this and making it all about herself, she could have educated herself on why a cat might be behaving this way and dealt with it. Instead it’s all woe is me, treating the cat like some sort of annoying defective toy to be discarded. The poor cat had already been through one move, so now it’s been through three in a short space of time. No wonder it’s shitting on the floor, its nerves are undoubtably shot to pieces. People need to take some fucking responsibility for their choices.

And this, absolutely.
I flea our house pets in the time it takes to boil the kettle once a month. I have managed not to quit working.

I can pretty much guarantee the shitting antics would have been solved with a fresh new litter tray and a new kind of litter. Cats can quickly go off using the tray if it’s left disgusting (again, cleaning out the tray literally takes less than a minute).

As above, I understand the 13 year old is upset but it’s very dramatic and a little pathetic that between all of you you were unable to keep up with the demands of a single cat.

The fact that a 13 year old and a 17 year old they couldn’t look after a cat between themselves is surprising. I wouldn’t expect to have much involvement as an adult in day-to-day care. I understand the cat was the 17 year olds but the 13 year old must have been fond of it to be upset so I would expect they would have helped with care also.

I think you’re 13 year old is sulking - that’s not abusive. The word ‘abuse’ is being thrown around too much.