To not discuss my finances with DH?

Well, they are his children so why does he resent the childcare expense? Unfair.

If I were you, I would ask him directly why he begrudges having to support his family. His answer will be very telling.

No, OP, I don't think it's tenable long term.

You need to come to some sort of accommodation around your family finances. It might mean a compromise or a lot of discussion about what you want, but I don't think avoiding it will make the real issues go away. They might well get worse.

The problem here isn't the money - different people arrange things in different ways, and if everyone is happy it doesn't matter what your precise arrangements are - the problem is your husband's antagonism.

Doesn't matter what that is about. It needs dealing with.

I struggle to believe its a strong marriage if you can't have a conversation about something. But only you know the dynamics. Can you cope when you go £500 down? If not you need to speak to him. Or drop hours and do the childcare.

There's not an alternative though. You can't put the kids back in the womb. Either you work and earn a salary which requires childcare (out of the household money, before anyone says it should be a joint expense - it comes out of someone's salary regardless). Or, you don't work and he pays everything anyway. Has he actually clocked this?

I wouldn't be happy with this and it sounds like you both feel you've got the worse deal, since you said you'd be £500 down. I honestly think you'd be better off with a joint account and have all family bills come out of that. Keep your own accounts for personal spends. In that way it is 100% what the family outgoings are. You would have to discuss how much to each contribute but after that it's very simple.

Or keep track of all outgoings and settle up every month - more work, but I suppose it would force you to talk about finances regularly.

DP and I have the best of both worlds. We have a joint account for all shared expenses and then our personal accounts for our own stuff.

I think it’s worth having a proper look at what constitutes family costs and agree a fair contribution each according to your income. From there out it’s nobody’s business what you spend the rest of your money on.

Does DH do any of the household purchasing? Mine came food shopping with me for the first time in ages and was really shocked at how much everything costs. I think it gave him a little more appreciation about how far I stretch our pennies!

OP if you know what DH earns then presumably you work out his take home pay each month (if you don't already know that)?

You know what your take home pay is and you know what each of you spend on joint responsibilities (i.e. mortgage, childcare etc).

So that leaves you knowing what each of you have left to spend each month, including car/phone payments etc.

So what is the ratio of personal money each month? If it's he has double the money you have and you're not willing to discuss it with him, can you not ensure he pays for family days out/date nights, birthday presents etc so you can even things up without broaching the subject?

As PP have said discussing finances shouldn't be a taboo subject.

Why are you £500 down?

I could not put up with this. I earn less than DH because I did most of the childcare and retrained into a more family friendly job. We have a joint account and share everything. I can't be doing with this "I pay for myself and you pay for yourself."

DP and I have separate finances and prefer it that way but I can't really fathom not being on the same page when it comes to shared outgoings (which childcare would be) or not being able to discuss finances in a relationship.

I think I get why OP is annoyed at the situation but there isn't actually a solution apart from actually communicating with each other? It seems a bit defeatist to rule it out on the basis of previous digs and snide remarks. If one form of communication doesn't work there are others to try. I appreciate that the husband may be the problem here. But if you can't communicate then you can't resolve this and if you won't leave then you're just going to seethe about it indefinitely.

His behavioir is designed to make you not want to ask him for financial help, what do you think he would say if you mentioned this to him?

When mine got like this I created a spreadsheet with every single outgoing, sent it to him and asks where he thought we could cut money. He stopped grumbling when he realised the only things he could cut were things he liked - nice phone, virgon tv package, superseded wifi, nice food

Does he resent that you both had another child and you are working part time?

I'm sorry it makes you feel like that. The thing is, lots of women, including you I think, are so used to being exploited and oppressed by men that they don't even see it. Partly because society is gaslighting us by pretending that we've got it all, and haven't we maybe gone a bit too far and aren't men in danger of becoming the victims now?

People like me want to point that bullshit out in stark and probably brutal terms so that they, and others reading, open their eyes.

It's definitely not just a you problem - you're in the majority of women and men who believe - whether they say it out loud or admit it to themselves, or not - that women should do most of the shitwork in life (ie all household and family organisation, cleaning, responsibility) and be grateful if their husbands aren't shagging around.

I can see that it might make you feel a bit crap but I don't really know what the alternative is. Women have had 'nice' liberal feminism for 50 years and fuck all has changed really, other than we now feel shit if we're not 'economically viable' with a full-time job, while being responsible for all of the above.

You both find it impossible to have a reasonable conversation about money. How do you know for sure that every month he is left with less than you are? Do you have access to his bank statements? Does he just feel that he ends up with less than you, because he is otherwise full of resentment about money? I would want to compare the amounts that you are both left with after paying your respective bills, I wouldn't trust your DH to be truthful.

This is one of the most bizarre threads i have come across in a long time.
Wish you luck OP!

What would you like your relationship to look like OP? What changes, ideally, would you like to make?

Perhaps we can work backwards from there?