To not discuss my finances with DH?

I find it really interesting that you say you have a strong marriage other than this, because I have been married for nearly 30 years, and from my point of view, your marriage doesn't stand a chance in Hell of going the distance. What I see is a marriage that is on very, very thin ice. Do you think you have always had low expectations for how you should be treated? Some of the things you've written imply that his attitude, to you, is just "one of those things" and not the really big deal they are.

This! I'm sorry you're having a hard time on the thread OP- the more you post the more unreasonable your DH sounds. I hope you won't regret posting and the thread will help you find your anger to keep pushing this rather than let his antagonism silence you and you end up struggling alone (as with the £500 issue). Good luck OP

The avoidance is a helpful start to unpacking it all. A professional counselor might be able to dig deeper or provide techniques, but ultimately you're going to have to grit your teeth and accept that you will have to go through bad feelings and rows to get to the other side of this.

Avoidance is understandable! No one likes bad feelings or rows (well I guess some people do but at least you're not one of them). But sometimes they're unavoidable - if you want a resolution.

Honest communication - not only about finances but about everything - is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. From that, everything else flows.

Cars! CARS. I have just lost all sympathy. I thought it was debt for essential stuff.

How dare he make you feel guilty for having small children and working only part time when it was a joint choice? If he only waited it out a bit, your DC would grow up and your childcare bill would go down.

I think if you choose to have children, you need to make a few sacrifices. Maybe not give up everything but expensive cars, yes.

Are you able to comfortably afford groceries and childcare out of your salary? Do you have to scrimp and save? If not, then if your husband is paying mortgage/bills etc ( which are huge), then I don't think it's a big problem. If you are short of cash and feel uncomfortable asking him for money, then I see that as a problem

There should be no resentment whatsoever within marriage regarding who earns more & who pays for what. There will always be someone in the partnership who earns less especially when children arrive,maternity leave then part time etc if required. It's a pity your DH is taking this stance OP. Women feel guilty enough when their spouses earn more without having it rubbed in their face. He should man up & accept he is married with a family and with that comes financial responsibilities he shouldn't be complaining about just because he takes on the bigger share.

It seems to me OP at the heart of what you’re saying is that your husband doesn’t see you as a unit a team that will stand together and face the storms of life together. It sounds as if he uses finances to keep himself separate from and possibly in competition with you and by extension your children and this is a hurtful and damaging place to be. Wedding vows are a bit diluted these days but the’ everything I have I give you’ is the legal truth and perhaps your husband has never really bought into that concept. And maybe it didn’t matter when you were both earning and had more freedom - but now it does. How you can change his mindset I don’t really know but I agree with you it’s about something more fundamental than who pays what bills. He could be struck down tomorrow and become dependent on you I imagine he would find that very hard . I wish you all the best in your future.

This situation won’t be resolved until you are BOTH transparent and honest about your finances which is never going to happen.
I really don’t know what you hope to achieve from this thread.

I think your only option is to sit him down and have the confrontation. Force him to articulate why he thinks his debt is your fault. See if you can make him actually say that he's blaming your lower pay due to the children he wanted, if that is the case, because he might actually feel how ridiculous that is.

If he still thinks that point of view is reasonable then that would be the end for me!

Op, one thing that I think can sometimes be helpful in situations like this in marriage is to think about how your own parents/family, and your spouse's, operated financially.

I think we pick up a lot of expectations from our own family around these things without realizing it. And then we have assumptions about how things do or ought to work. And sometimes our assumptions are much different than those of our partner, but that's not clear -it's like talking past each other.

How does he think things would look in an ideal situation? How do you?

FWIW< I think marriages need to be all in in terms of money - it's family money. That does not mean separate accounts are not fine - those details are practical, it's about attitude. You sink or swim as a family. So maybe you need to have a conversation in terms of your goals, more than how you got to where you are now? What do you both want for the family economic situation, and how do you get there from where you are?

Why is he in debt? What is he spending it on? Sorry if I have missed it.

Was he fully on board with having the children?

(i realize that if he wasn't, it was his responsibility to prevent it...and he didn't. Not excusing him, just wondering.)

If you have a strong marriage then it will easily survive difficult conversations.

You're clearly not happy with how things are and those feelings will likely grow over time. DH is clearly not happy as well. I understand life is taxing, especially with DC, and it often drains what little energy we have to engage in the difficult discussions.

However, you are a team so should tackle your worries together. You don't have to go in all guns blazing. Just be honest and tell him you have concerns and what does he think on how you can cut back?

Then he can go fuck himself. Honestly. Don't lower yourself by staying with a man who has such contempt for you.

Inheritance can be a huge sum. What would he do in the imagined/likely scenario he "keeps it for himself" - buy himself a holiday home and not allow you to use it? Buy lots and lots of top-of-the-range golf clubs? Or maybe a fast car you have no say in choosing and cannot drive? Or just squirrel it away to pass on to the children in his will?

I've asked before - does he treat himself a lot? Excessively? You did say he was left with less after spending on "personal items".

Basically, people are trying to help but not all comments are welcome. Nonetheless, you would like to work out how you feel about all this. I can only say how I'd feel. I'd feel all wrong if I didn't have completely joint finances with my husband. If I did have your setup though, and wanted to work out how I felt about my husband feeling hard done by, I would look at the nature of those "personal items" my husband was buying, and decide based on that.

Simples.

I would consider relationship counselling with this as the key issue for exploration.

Attitudes towards money are formed relatively early in life and then continue to be shaped as we age. There may well be underlying issues that affect how your husband views money management.

I am always very uneasy when I read about men who begrudge their partner's spending and seek to either control it or make their feelings known through passive-aggressive comments. Women are almost always disadvantaged when children come along and conflict over money is an unwelcome additional stress.

Did he not want to have another child? If he did, he needs to suck it up. I would guess some kind of counselling is the best way to go here - somewhere you can explore this stuff with help from a disinterested party.