To not discuss my finances with DH?

I'm sorry this is not a myth. I have three teenagers. I paid for nursery back in the day but I would say they are more expensive now (and I absolutely do not give them everything they want. I am pretty careful) - clothes/shoes, phone, allowance, lifts everywhere, and most of all out-of-school clubs and activities. A fortune per child monthly, and all at once - not staggered like nursery. It's a killer

The biggest problem you have is your husbands inability to communicate and he sounds as if he doesn’t feel you’re a family. He sounds like a single man who won’t discuss personal things with others. I couldn’t live like that because whether you think it’s only in this area. It can’t be. It is showing how little he values being together in life and any challenges. The equity of what you’re both paying aside. It’s his views on you not being included in his life in this way that’s so awful. It is massively different to my experience. Separate finances can work well although not how I’d like to live like, but both partners are open and there is good communication and support of each other. That works because of mutual respect and joint goals. You don’t seem to have that. And that to me is a marriage.

Further to my post about calculating guilt free spending.

Could you do your own spreadsheet first, before talking with your DH with both your incomes, fixed costs, other spending just to calculate where you are financially ?

It's not clear from your posts if you are spending massively beyond your incomes, you're both badly organised, if your spending everything and he's amassing savings, or if everything is in fact fine but you just don't talk about it.

"I think he does feel hard done by. I wouldn’t be adverse to a joint account with a different husband!"

There OP - you said it.

There's your answer OP.

In any relationship, sharing finances requires trust and mutual respect. If he's scoring points off you all the time, it's not working.

Some people just don't share the same values. I remember feeling really bad about hiding the strawberry granola whenever an ex-BF came to stay, but I learned that it was the only way to ringfence it from what was the equivalent of a swarm of locusts descending on my kitchen.

There has to be a balanced and shared view of give and take.

The only reason a joint account would have made things 'ten times worse' is because there is a basic lack of trust. So you both 'hide' in your separate financial lives and evade the truth,

Well the question you ASKED was "AIBU not to discuss finances" and that's what the poster answered. We're not mind readers.

Money is a hugely important part of a relationship. Some people keep it separate and others don't, but IMO your situation sounds unsustainable. The choices are either: discuss and come to an agreement, or leave. Those are literally the choices.

Have you watched Ramit Sethi on you tube ? The title is a bit leading ' how to lead a rich life' but the premise is sorting out communication and financial planning between couples.

The idea is that you calculate your fixed costs, then a certain % for savings/ investments, then have an amount decided between the two of you for 'guilt free spending'.

You then decide what is it in life that is really important to you and focus your spending on that. If cars are important to your DH then he could have a monthly budget for that and the same for you on something you enjoy.
You could still keep your separate accounts.

How about approaching your DH with this idea ?
I always recommend keeping financial discussions purely factual and not emotional.

@probablymenow

I think I get where you're coming from. He 'isn't happy' financially, but neither are you. He resents 'you putting him in debt' (his feelings, not mine) and you resent not being able to have a reasonable discussion about finances without it turning into some sort of blame-fest. And you resent having to hide purchases/expenses even though you have the money to pay for them because he gets 'attitude'.

The thing is, this isn't going to change. Even if you were to 'up' your family contributions it won't make him happy because he'll just find something else to spend 'his' money on and he'll end up back in the same place. Because he needs to prove to himself that it's his money not family money and the way to do that is spend it.

I think you need to think about the probability of living this way for the rest of your life. You covering more and more to keep him 'sweet' and him still being resentful and spending his money to the detriment of your finances and possibly your financial future as you find yourself spending money that should really be invested for your own future and your retirement or even paying foryour children's higher education. Is this really the way you want to live the next 30-40-50 years?

Look, I'm not saying to LTB tomorrow, I'm just saying to look at the scenario of your financial future with him vs your financial future on your own. Especially in light of the fact that the likelihood of him changing is virtually nil. So it will be YOU ponying up to keep his mouth shut.

I think a joint account would have made things ten times worse.
Why though?
If there was no children I would say fair enough, keep things separate if that's what you want to do.

However you are ( or at least should be)a committed team
There have been times in my relationship when dh was made redundant and went self employed and he literally had no money in our early days, and i was the earner. There's been times when I've been on mat leave and he was earning decent money.
Between us there was no resentment and we both supported and helped each other.
The way I see it is you both live in the same house and use the same utilities. The child belongs to both of you so why not just have a pot to pay for those things. As the child gets older and more expensive ( wait until the teen years) how are you going to decide who pays for what then.

It is really weird that you can't talk about finances when you are married to him.

Not sure if anyone else responded to this, but I can assure you it is not a myth that children get more expensive as they get older.

Yes you are not paying nursery fees monthly, but instead you are now paying.

Regular activities; sports, dance, swimming etc x 2 kids - adds up fast (and will be a lot more if they want to do any of them competitively).
After-school care
Summer camps
Occasional babysitting
Presents get more expensive, tech etc
Kids parties
'branded' Clothes, uniform costs
Constantly updating equipment bikes, scooters, ski's etc
By 12/13 you are basically feeding 4 adults cost wise.
By 17 driving costs, car insurance
Then you have university costs on the horizon...

Just to illustrate that you might need to dicuss all this with your husband, or he might be under the opinion you are going to absorb all the future costs on your own.

The issue appears to be the husband can't/won't discuss it. :(

Have you suggested a joint account into which you both pay an agreed amount (based on what you earn, so his agreed amount is significantly higher) and out of which all joint expenses are paid - mortgage, bills, childcare, family holidays, groceries etc. Then use your own account for funding personal spending/savings/gifts etc

Oh OP you are being financially abused. Fussing about you going to the Co Op and asking if you can afford groceries, while he spends money on cars!

Nobody should ever begrudge their spouse Co op groceries; it's not Harrods!

Why do you 'not mind' separate finances?

Hi Op. The problem appears to be:
Your husband is struggling financially
Partly due to debts (for cars???)
He is blaming you for having children/him being poorer
He is making digs at you.
Attempts to discuss things end in arguments?.

The issue is not how your money is set up or who pays for what or what is fair. The issue seems to be his resentment? And treatment of you?

It doesn't really matter how your money is split as long as it is fair.
You won't know if it's fair if he won't speak to you about it.

His behaviour, making passive aggressive digs and to discus things is not helpful and sounds abusive.
Are you afraid of him?
You might benefit from having a chat with women's aid or someone as you do not deserved to be bullied/belittled/trapped by someone over money (which it sounds like you might be) ? They should be able to help you get things clear in your head and think through your options.

Good luck.
You don't have to put up with this.

I totally understand your frustration and worry about how to move forward. His antagonism and digs might be his way of coping with stress, either because money is haemorrhaging or because he has got himself into debt. Or it might just be a need to control.
My suggestion would be that you inform yourself of all the finances, spend etc and create a spreadsheet. At the end of it you will have a better understanding of the situation and possibly an opening for a discussion, ask him to read it, ask him when a good time to talk is, ask him to add anything you have missed. You will either get nowhere and still
have a dilemma, get a discussion where you may have to do a bit of not reacting, get a proper discussion and a joint plan or you learn something that is a dealbreaker. Is the house in both names, is the mortgage in both names, any significant debt?
You may still have to make a choice but it will be an informed choice.

OP - I can see what you're asking here.

On MN, there are a disproportionate amount of women who are in marriages, with children, who believe separate finances in a marriage / family is totally fine and normal. Some women have even convinced themselves that it's 'independence.'

But in all cases, when you get to the actual crux of the set up - it comes down to the same thing - ie, these women know, depp down, when all is said and done, that their DH would never share finances anyway.

Su they are left with a choice basically - either to convince themselves fine - it's 'independence' or whatever. Or leave.

It sounds to me this is the realisation you are having.

The way I see it is this - if a couple are going to share their DNA to bring new human beings into this world, the very first thing they should be able to do is share bank accounts! How can you be having kids if you can't even manage that?

There are some men (a lot on here, by the sound of it) who seem to think it's all fine and normal to do the 'my money, her money' thing.

It has nothing to do with amounts and who has this and that and what's fair blah blah blah. At the end of the day, it's a mentality. A deep rooted insecurity. At its core is an intransigent need to control... or something. Lack of trust? Lack of respect? Lack of commitment? Selfishness?

The fact is - in the eyes of the law, all marital money are shared. He can frame it how he likes, but that is the reality. It's so petty and pathetic to have financial divisions. You have children ffs! That ship has sailed. Who could be bothered with all this you pay for this and I pay for that?' You are a family! It all goes the same way regardless. You surely have the children's interests first and foremost. Who could be bothered?

You are absolutely correct that it comes down to some deep-rooted psychological issue on his part. Of course it will manifest in other areas of your marriage too. If you can't even share money - why bother? You are are essentially living as separate entities, not as a unit.

What happened to 'all that I am I share with you?' As if the wedding vows are - 'Well I'll do part-time and you carry on full-time and I'll pay this and you pay that and I'll have my money and you have yours.' What is the actual point?

Basically, I'm sorry you are in this situation. At least you're waking up to it though, which is more than a lot of women on here.

There's no point talking to him about this because frankly, it shouldn't need explaining. If he's an adult and hasn't grasped this basic stuff for himself, he never will. I'm sorry to sound blunt, but men like this are stunted and it's shouldn't be your job to help them function normally.