To not discuss my finances with DH?

OP, I just searched the word ‘weird’ and it appears 9 times in these comments. Six were written by you and the other three were people saying things like It is really weird that you can't talk about finances when you are married to him.

Nobody has called ‘you’ weird and only three people have used the word at all. You’re not being inundated by nastiness. Please don’t feel that you are.

Could you try to talk with him about wider issues in a kind of ’how are you/how am I’ session, or two, to get to a kinder and more informed space, then reflect and decide next steps? E.g (not exhaustive):

• the changes you’ve both experienced, how that feels from your respective perspectives etc.
• any pressures you’re each experiencing.
• any changes you’d each like to see?
• any non-financial solutions
• etc.

@probablymenow It really sounds like he’s an abusive arse and lamely he’s not but I do think he’s not adjusted too well to not having the same salary as before. why has his salary changed though??

Well, that just removes one of the options, doesn't it?

So you either continue to live like you're living (bearing in mind that you contributing more in a few years probably isn't going to change him) or you pack up and leave.

I think you keep repeating that your DH won’t change but why not?

I wouldn’t assume things will get better once nursery is over. Wrap around and holiday care is still a massive chunk of our spending. Not nursery level but it’s significant plus I think the spending becomes different as they age and potentially more discretionary so it is impotent to be on the same page re what is important for you as a family. Eg do you want to consider tutoring, how do you want to spend on holidays, what do you want to do for your retirement. Taking aside the day to day; you need to be able to talk about money to function as a unit and if you can’t then it doesn’t feel very sustainable unfortunately.

OP you are obviously upset about this - perhaps you were hoping for more resonses saying "yeah me and dh are like this its fine"

But how can it be fine? You will need to make numerous financial decisions affecting the whole family over the years, and these will be so difficult if your dh cannot address the situations squarely and rationally.

It does sound as though he has some real mental blocks and difficulties around money, sharing, being a husband and father, equal input from both husband and wife etc.

You seem to be resigned to you both living with these mental blocks. But he sounds as though he is unhappy and anxious, perhaps around the subject of money in particular, and he's blaming you and your spending/income because he isn't deploying the emotional intelligence needed to give him better insight (insight that it's his unhelpful hangups, not your spending, that are at the root of his anxiety)

But OP, you have posted that you're not happy and to ask if you are reasonable for feeling this is not the marriage you envisioned. People tell you you are reasonable for feeling the way you do. They also tell you why they wouldn't live like that. Then you get and defensive and angry with people and say you're going to carry on 'ticking along' because your DH won't change.

I haven’t read every single message but I have read your posts OP. I was in a situation which sounds similar to yours. I just got on with stuff and avoided the conflict because it always ended up mean and personal from him. What I would consider a perfectly reasonable thing to discuss as a married couple was taken as an insult on his very being. It has just got worse over the years. Perhaps if we had had counselling back then we wouldn’t be divorcing, it is hard to say. But I guess my point is, trust your gut feeling here - if it doesn’t feel right or fair to you then listen to yourself. A lot of things can be fixed though - the pressure of parenting puts a strain on most marriages. A good counsellor can help you express your feelings to each other and either find a way forward for you both together (or apart)

You sound confused and hurt OP. With your husband I mean. What about talking things over with a counsellor? Just you. It might really help.

Wishing you all the best.

You’re married - why don’t you share all of your money in one account and then have one (or more) savings account?

Then you’re only working everything out as a family, instead of it being ‘mine’ and ‘yours’.

I never get why married couples /partners don’t merge their salaries.

There should be zero animosity over money when you’re a couple.

Of course it isn't! No one enters marriage thinking "Well, we're going to fight like cats and dogs over money/sex/family/child rearing but that's OK, I'll just live like that".

To some extent we all go into marriage with some sort of 'blinders' on. It's all about what happens when those blinders 'disappear' as the hum drum and hassles of married life takes over. And that happens to all of us at one point or another. If you really are trying to pull as a team then you work through it as a team, with counseling if needed. But if one of you is not willing work as a team then you may as well try to move a mountain by shouting 'MOVE' at it. Good luck with that!

For DH and I (married 37+ years) our 'bugaboo' was our son's teen years. We just had differing ideas how to parent a teen and neither of us was going to budge. We ended up in counseling and managed to work out how to parent together, to compromise. But the key is that both of us were willing to work on ourselves and to make changes and stick to them.

I think you're at the point where you need to make a serious decision, either;

-You continue to live as is and be unhappy, or

-You confront him directly and say "We need to go to counseling over money issues in our marriage, or else" (but you must be willing to carry through on your ultimatum), or

-You shrug your shoulders and leave without further discussion. Because what's the point in talking if no one is listening

It's no fun getting to this point. I know, I was there. Luckily option 2 worked for me. But I certainly would have carried through if he hadn't agreed

I'm sorry, but it wasn't meant as a gotcha post at all. You said you 'don't mind' separate money, but you also said you wouldn't be averse to a joint account with a different husband. I was just saying you answered your own question really, about why you're not happy and don't feel that this is the marriage you envisioned. That's all I meant.

I don't understand the point of your marriage really. It's a contract that legally binds you financially.

But you don't want that? Neither of you do. So why did you get married? I couldn't imagine living like this, all very awkward.

why blame other people—who are taking time to read and respond to help you—for the fact that you are unhappy with your arrangements with your own husband?

You have the problem—you define it as a problem—how is it our fault for agreeing with you that it sounds like a problem?

I am in a pretty conventional marriage. I have never made as much as my dh/-in fact for years I was a SAHM. We have both received hefty inheritances. I went back to school in my fifties and now have a private practice while dh has retired. All our money snd all decisions about money has always been joint. And transparent. Why bother to be married or have children with a stingy bean counter who thinks his money makes him more important in the relationship? WTF?

If that is ok with you more power to you. I wouldn’t spontaneously harsh anyone elses mellow or make fun of anyone elses deviant pleasures. But you do have a problem with it! That is why you posted! So what do you want to do to solve your problem now that you have canvassed the ether?

You are not being unreasonable to want to talk to your husband about this and get on the same page.
You do not have to accept his digs and put downs.
Yes, you do deserve better.

For a lot of people this degree of disrespect and secrecy from their partner (like how your husband is behaving) would mean they would leave them. I'm not saying leave him immediately because it's obviously more complicated but you should strongly consider it and carefully consider all your options.

With a differnt husband, you would just have all your money in a shared account, shared savings etc. Everything is transparent. You respect each other to live within your means and to make your own decisions. You will have different spending habits - everyone does - but that's just how it goes. You respect each other and it's not a competition. No need to keep tabs. As long as one if you isn't a gambling addict or something, you just get on with it as a couple.

Agree you need to both pool your income into one account. All bills paid from there. What’s left is split equally. You could agree you each take eg £600 personal spending money and what left is saved etc.
Youre looking at this the wrong way- actually the way to protect yourself against his behaviour is to pool finances and give him full access and you have full access.