To not discuss my finances with DH?

As he buys cars and you're considering an autumnal photoshoot it doesn't sound like you should be struggling (ie you can both spend on non-essential stuff). Are you both saving and building pensions? Do you have holidays and, if so, do you plan them together?

@probablymenow nothing wrong with separate finances but it still needs to be fair.

One of the biggest reasons for divorce is financial incompatibility and the inability to discuss and agree on finances. If you can't discuss finances then that's quite a problem in your marriage that is going to lead to resentment.

You've said with the current arrangement you have the better deal and he is in debt, so it clearly isn't fair and therefore not surprising he feels annoyed about it.

You come across as rather smug/arrogant in your posts so perhaps your DH is feeling this too...

It's not the money or the joint account, it's your husband's attitude to it and to you about it. And also that he cannot discuss it without having digs at you and being an utter arse.

He's brought about this situation himself. It's all on him. It's what he wanted but the reality is not what he envisioned - I bet he expected himself to be better off.

It also sounds to me that you are quite flexible. You wouldn't mind joint account or separate accounts as long as YOU AND HE ARE ABLE TO DISCUSS IT AND WORK AS A TEAM.

I have no idea how you can move forward with this if you are not able to discuss finances with him. And yes, I agree it will seep into other aspects of your marriage and it sounds like it already has, if you are more roommates than partners. My sympathies, OP.

Could you clarify, is "money a real problem" because you know your total household outgoings exceed your income, because they may do but you're not sure and DH won't talk about it, or you are OK financially as a family day to day but it massively bugs you DH won't discuss it?

If it's the first or second, I'd be saving discreetly and planning an early return to work, as the debts might be bigger than you know.

Worth an Experian check just in case?

I swear one more weird post and I’ll burst into tears, it’s a really horrible thing to say about someone.
I have said that it is weird that you can't talk to your husband about money,which quite frankly it is. This is a man who has seen you at you most intimate, fathered your child and spend his life with and yet you can't talk about how to sort your finances out.
I never said or implied you were weird, just that the situation is.

So what are you buying in terms of YOUR personal items? Do you have a hobby that is expensive, or a membership of a swishy gym, or a £5000 racing bike in the garage? Or are you too tired with working outside the home and looking after the kids/house when you aren’t working to have a hobby? Or do you not even have enough money left in your bank account to buy wool for a knit and natter group?

Also tbf if I tried that with DDad it would cause WW3 (theoretically speaking - after childhood poverty I can't imagine him running up debt). And DH would hide under the bed so to speak.

Gosh people are funny about money.

Anyway, I think I now understand what’s being asked. I think YABU - but just because that’s the most appropriate of the options, not because you’re in the wrong. Your husband’s behaviour is financially abusive (digs, blowing up, splashing out on multiple cars but you’re worried about a £500’shortfall, next month). It seems like a really unhappy and unsustainable way to live and I’d be inclined to think it’s indicative of an imbalanced relationship.

Way upthread you described yourself as “strange” and your dh too. I don’t agree—your problems in the marriage and around money are absolutely textbook and so quite normal in terms of the distribution.

However it is true that happy marriages tend not to look like this. Thats because people can either be happy with very separate finances, or be happy with very meshed finances . The common denominator is you. Are you happy with this arrangement?

Apparently not. No one thinks you are weird, or strange—but you are not happy with the arrangement you have with your chosen partner.

Its unfortunate, and sad, that you aren’t happy with your chosen partner. But you aren’t weird. And no one here is out to hurt you. We are actually offering care and concern.

Does your DH use that word about you?

OK, some more posts were made while I typed that.

So he blames you for debts despite having several times your salary and a second wage earner. Classic projection I guess. Knows he could do better so easier to go on the offensive.

I think I would call his bluff.

"Darling, it sounds like you're really worried about these debts. Let's see one of these debt advice charities and sort out a payment plan [produces list]."

But then I don't mind a bit of conflict.

When you say cars and debt etc, do you mean he’s in debt because of his car habit, on finance or something?
I think unless you have a clear idea of what debts there are then you will probably continue to misunderstand each other

Well I certainly haven't called you weird OP.

I only posted because I have a friend whose DH is like yours and it's been going on 16 years. He'll never change. She knows this. She earns much less than him. She has to pay for all the day to day stuff for two (very demanding) teenage girls. Her DH earns maybe £150k per year but she has no financial transparency. No idea how much money he has or where. There's no point talking to him - he just doesn't get it. Now (sadly but understandably), people (other friends) have stopped asking her out or in weekends away because she never buys a round of coffees or lunch or whatever. People think she's tight, but they don't realise its because she has no money - everything goes to her girls. All people see is that she lives in a house worth millions, but never buts anyone even a drink or a birthday gift. Always goes to the loo when a bill comes - this kind of thing. People don't get it. Now her girls are getting weird about money too because this is how they've been brought up. They will grab anything they can get. They are stealing make up in shops, etc. it's a nightmare to see and it's exhausting because she thinks her situation is ok,

But, people aren’t doing it. It’s overwhelmingly you. The last use of the word (again, about the situation, not you) by someone other than you was dozens of comments ago. So, you’re not having to read it. Why do you keep repeating it like it’s the majority of the feedback?

Would you feel able to post a few of the remarks he's made? I think that would be illuminating.

I do understand as I am married to a financial ostrich, and my dad (although extremely generous) is weird and controlling about money.

Neither of them make digs though. DH is grateful that one of us can adult, and I have learned not to bring up money with DDad.

I don't know how you can persuade your husband to have more connected financial lives. Unless, perhaps, he could see it as a benefit to himself. Of course there's less money available with two dependents and you working part-time. If he actually believes he is going into debt while you are living a carefree life maybe he would be open to more sharing, if you could sell it as wanting to make things fairer to him? Of course, if he's just going to see that he can no longer afford to spend as much as he wants on non-essential stuff, now that he has a family, he's not going to want more transparency for long.

I hope your "£500 down next month" is only temporary. Otherwise, you might need that frank discussion, even with his digs and jokes.

He's got himself into debt paying for cars (plural?)!