To not discuss my finances with DH?

Sorry OP, but this kind of set up is not great, not great at all.

My ex and I had a similarly odd (now I look back) arrangement with money and, like you, I made every excuse for him under the sun. But I know realise it was shit & I massively lost out because of it.

If you are married & have kids everything financial should be shared and there should be no secrets between you.
Neither should resent the other, you should be a team. End of.

Your relationship doesn't sound great. Ours wasn't as it turned out.

As they get older, you can't have a kind of 'two tier' system where all the child-related stuff comes out of your income and he refuses to engage with any of that. The kids will pick up on that dynamic very soon and it's damaging.

He has children. They will only get more complicated and expensive. He needs to get real basically.

OP, again, you were saying earlier that might just 'wait if out' until the kids become cheaper, once the childcare stops. The pp was just saying, as many have said, that this is not realistic because children don't get cheaper at all. No, it's not the main point of your thread, but it's something you raised so people are just engaging with that.

Several posters including me have given examples of the numerous costs associated with raising older children - cost of phones being a tiny element! You can very easily spend an average of £1000 per month on the cost of two older children, and easily much more than that too.

When did she say she was in poverty?

Op but nobody is calling you wired. Your the one doing that and I'm wondering if its not a reflection on how your feeling about the situation.

By the way I don't think it's that unusual, but I do think it's finicaly controlling from your husbands side. I have come across women IRL who have had this setup and just putup with it, but they have never seemed very happy.

I guess only you can decide if you can continue with this long term if your DH is unwilling to talk about it. We all have our different limits when it comes to relationships.

It sounds very stressful for you OP.
Two young children and tight finances.
Your husband behaving as if childcare is suddenly something sprung on him by you.
You then being made to feel as if you have done something wrong by having children that require childcare for you to work.
It sounds like you are walking on eggshells and unfortunately that is abusive behaviour.
My advice is to reach out to family and friends for support OP because your marriage doesn't sound like it is a team job.

He sounds like a spoiled man child that is resenting the realisation that having a family costs money and taking it out on you.
That sounds hard, sad and lonely.
Please tell those that love you, so you feel less alone.
Protect yourself too, as he isn't really a good man.
Good men do not behave like this.
Spoiled ones do.

But why can’t the both of you sit down and go through all expenses for the past month, both from his and your bank statement, see how much is spent on what and agree on how much you should each have remaining for your personal spends.
I might be wrong but from your posts it sounds like you feel things are fair now so you don’t want to entertain your DH questioning it. I might be wrong though!

I'd be annoyed if he were my husband. My Dh earns 3 times my salary, but we pool everything and he never questions what I spend. He realises that by me working part time and picking up the childcare this has enabled him to get promoted and build up a lovely big pension pot, whereas mine is tiny. We have recently started paying an extra contribution into my pension to top it up. I don't think I could live like this, he is not respecting the unsalaried work you are doing around the house. Start sending him a bill for childcare that you are doing on your days off and any cleaning/admin work you do for the family.

OP, I think you sound really lovely...and really stressed. You also sound like you have a smart head on your shoulders and whatever happens between you and the DH, you and your children will be fine...because of you.

If I have read most of this correctly, sorry if I am wrong, it sounds like it's a pretty fair split with the bills vs income for each of you, the issue is your DH has a lot of personal debt (cars) and is unhappy that he is struggling to pay for all the luxuries he wants because you currently only work part time so he is seeing your contribution as unfair even though these extra expenses are his?

You weren’t working because you birthed and cared for HIS baby ffs. He needs to understand this so you need to spell it out to him, firmly.

I feel really sorry for you, OP. It seems like you have been brainwashed... To think you are "better off" and that somehow this situation in acceptable. For some reason, you even try to justify it - I almost feel like you came here wanting reassurance this is normal and is nothing to worry about. While knowing all along that this is a crap set up.

Dear OP, whatever the outcome is, your situation is awful and not reflective of a normal loving marriage where both partner see each other as equal. I have no idea how you ended up like this, but believe me, it will not get any better. Your husband, most likely, is not seeing you as a long term partner, and is making sure you have nothing of what he sees as his money. Even worse, he extends this to your children. Sadly, I have seen this situation play out many times, and its never pretty, and is never nice for a poor female in this kind of a relationship.

You can either stay but wise up and start trying to save/ stash away money somehow (making sure you have enough to live on while increasing your savings and pension) - which is dishonest and soul destroying, but is exactly what he is doing with you. Basically, play him at his own game - "I have no money to buy food", "we need to buy this and that"...These kinds of relationships will never be warm, or trusting, or relaxed - to me its like living with your enemy, always trying to get one up on them. But I know of people who live like that and seem to be fine with it.

Or you can leave. He will pay child support and you will have a chance to get 1/2 of the house, and start afresh. Its up to you really.

Re the photoshoot.

The good thing about the joint bills account in proportion to incomes, is you can buy what you want without judgement, with the remainder.

I don't know what an autumnal photoshoot is (cute babies on leaves?) but if I wanted one I'd organise it and just tell DH where to show up, if he needed to be involved.

I'm so sorry @probablymenow I wish I had some advice that would help as you sound so unhappy. This whole situation sounds very difficult and I'm sad on your behalf that you can't communicate together and sort this out, but accept that's your reality.

Ok. I guess my feeling is that if someone is posting about how something makes them feel 'bad' then they also must feel that they don't want to feel that way. I think a lot of posters kind of think the same which is why OPs that are basically "X makes me feel like shit" end up with a lot of posts about how to change/what to do posts.

But if you 'feel what you feel' and have already decided that you're just going to suck it up and carry on, then fine. It's your right to make such a decision and I'm not going to drag you over hot coals for it. Your life to live as you choose. "What cannot be cured must be endured", right?

I wouldn't be with a man who insisted on separate finances once married. This is not what is in the marriage vows and certainly isn't the case in divorce.

We basically do what @ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs describes.

Although when we are in a pickle it's me that sorts it.

It has been better since I accepted that DH can't or won't.

My PIL are fantastic with money. Not quite sure why DH struggles. Maybe they made it look too easy?

What we do is to have a joint account, into which we pay a standing order from our individual accounts each month, which has varied over the years depending on who earns what (eg when I was on maternity leave DH upped his contribution while I lowered mine accordingly)
Joint account pays mortgage, shopping, bills, childcare etc.
We both have money in our own accounts to spend on whatever we want. But we do discuss it if joint account or either of us struggling.
I like having my own money to spend on crap, guilt free, and so does he!

Ah OK I understand.

He actually sounds rather like my DH.

I just decided ages ago I'd need to be the adult re the money.

But DH is not mean, just avoidant. It can be rather irritating to live with someone who doesn't understand what family life actually costs and won't make cut backs.

It's not a deal breaker for me as I am the one with the control.

Could you go and see a counsellor for yourself if you think DH wouldn't go with you?

There is a small distinction between calling someone weird and calling something that is greatly troubling and upsetting that person weird I agree but it is a small one. Either way I don’t appreciate it

Well now you are actually being weird because there is a massive difference between a particular situation being weird or unusual to calling someone weird.
Other people are saying the same, Eg
One of the biggest reasons for divorce is financial incompatibility and the inability to discuss and agree on finances. If you can't discuss finances then that's quite a problem in your marriage that is going to lead to resentment

it is a normal thing to talk about money without flying off the handle in a marriage
You are not a room mate or someone lodging, you are in a partnership ( well you should be, you clearly arent)
We are trying to support you for goodness sake!

Ok I misunderstood at the time.

I am clearly not on the right wavelength for you, OP, as my posts seem to upset you. I apologize that you do not find them comforting.But interestingly you are posting on AIBU and your question is “AIBU” to have a problem discussing finances with my dh. Like most of us I think you are not being unreasonable if anything I think your dh is both unreasonable and financially abusive.

I am sad that you are so stuck snd so frightened of rocking the boat that you would rather fight with women trying to support you than begin to think about leaving —or even confronting—your asshole of a husband. Because he is absolutely in the wrong here and you are determined to take the blame or turn the fight on commenters rather than acknowledge that this is just not a good person you have chosen. You don’t trust him, you can’t rely on him, you can’t talk to him—what good is he?

Even if you, for whatever reason, think you can’t do better than this jerk you could absolutely take your own side in this discussion, as we have all tried to do, and fight to carve out some respect inside the marriage.

If you have no power because you aren’t working full time then go back to work full time. Tell him to sell a car to pay for full time childcare.

Try something different to shake things up. A joint account that you both put money into and all joint spend (bills and childcare) comes out of. Everything will be visible then and he’ll soon see where the money is going. You both keep x amount back for personal spending so it’s fair. Your current way isn’t working, try something different.

Personally I feel that finances are a big amd important part of a relationship. How are you planning for a future together if you can't be on the same page?

After reading your posts it doesn't seem like there is much to be gained by talking to your DH. I think you'll continually go round in circles. I suppose the real question is what do you want for the short term and longer term. If you want to stay with him then I would drop all conversations about money. Save everything you can and continue to only pay for things when needed. Once you've stopped paying childcare and are working more hours you'll have more free money to do with as you please and he can continue paying whatever it is that he is prioritising.