To not discuss my finances with DH?

If you had “seen me” I gave practical advice on how to approach a discussion, I gave you info on how it could be better discussed without any “blame game”, I asked what the issues were, but you don’t want advice.

So if you want agreement then yeah your marriage sounds great, I’m sure it will be happily ever after, you’re right there’s no need to discuss anything at all, this is a healthy way to be with your husband financially, you’re right it doesn’t matter how much either of you are paying and you’re absolutely right that you have a strong relationship. Good luck !

There’s plenty you can do but your limited ability to properly explain your issue or enter into discourse means you frustrate people who ask reasonable questions or offer sensible solutions.

In a functioning and healthy relationship no subject is off limits. You clearly have a relationship that is neither of those things.

It’s up to you if you want to live like that but you can’t expect to post on here and have no comments saying exactly that when you’re obtuse and dismissive.

I’m neither sneery nor combative, but I have very little time for people who will not help themselves and that’s what I see here.

The Samaritans helpline is good if you just want to vent to someone who won't tell you what to do. Sort out your thoughts. It's free.

Obviously it's not always easy to LTB especially with small children. OP, could you talk to Womens' Aid? Or go to counselling yourself?

I think it’s becoming clear what the problem is

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread like this in my life honestly

OP: what should I do
Kind poster tries to help
OP: Nope not doing that/ Whats the point/ Don’t bark orders at me

😂

I think a diary would have been a better place to put this OP as it doesn’t seem like you’re actually taking anything on board anyway

I think you need to accept that he isn't going to change. Given that, you need to decide if this is the life you want to live until you die or not. Your choice. There isn't a third way where he miraculously sees the light and starts working with you.

What the fuck are you taking about? I didn’t tell you that you couldn’t?!

No one called you weird.

Then you either put up with it or leave. It’s not changing so accept or move on but fighting when there’s no hope is pointless and soul destroying

But if your lover and husband is hurtful to you what should be done? I can’t for the life of me figure out what the problem is? He treats you like shit over money and you feel like shit and when posters agree with you you get angry and accuse them of being the cause of you feeling like shit.

You are married to someone you neither like nor trust—how do I know that? Because you have described him this way.

Venting and not doing anything about it is a total waste of your precious life. Days, weeks, minutes, seconds alll add up to years wasted. Do you not know—maybe you don’t? That you have the right to be married to someone generous and passionate about you? For every crooked foot there is a crooked shoe. For every pot there is a top. Why waste time being an underpaid and unappreciated handmaid to an aggrieved spendthrift car enthusiast? I’d rather take in washing with a husband who adored me. Heck I’d rather take in washing to support my kids than suck up to a miser.

I would have a proper, no holds barred conversation and, if I got nowhere then yes - I would leave.

My DH and I have been together 19 years - it’s not perfect but it’s good and it’s because we talk, we have the big difficult conversations and communicate.

I’m not willing to have a relationship, romantic or otherwise, without doing so. There is no point.

Have you told your DH that you find it hurtful? I know you said you've tried to talk about it, but have you put it in those terms? If not what do you think his response would be if you did? I get that he would probably be defensive initially but do you think once he'd had a chance to process he would be able to reflect on it and realise he doesn't want you to feel that way so something needs to change?

So @probablymenow you’re essentially saying that regardless of how unhappy you both are, you’re not actually going to do anything about it?

I work PT and my DH works FT. He earns 4 times more than I do.

DH has always been clear that he doesn't care if I never work FT again if I'm happy and the kids are happy. On the one hand, we're lucky that we can afford for me not to. But I also know that he would happily cut back on his personal spending if it meant me keeping my current work/life balance and the kids not having to be in wraparound care (nothing wrong with that BTW but our DC have SEN and would find it tough) and he wouldn't make me feel bad about it.

We each have our own bank accounts that our salaries go into, and a joint account we both pay into each month (proportionally according to our income) for the household bills and mortgage. But DH pays for all holidays, days out, meals out, kids activities etc. If I'm hit with an unexpected bill (if something goes wrong with my car for example) he will immediately offer to sort it without making a big deal of it, because he doesn't want me to worry or go without anything.
He has never once made feel bad about how much less I contribute financially to the household, or expected me to justify how much I spend.

Honestly, OP I would find it upsetting being in your position. I would feel extremely hurt if my DH made sarcastic digs about money. It would make me feel shit. I would also be resentful of the whole set up, although you keep saying you're getting "a better deal" that's really not the point is it? It's the fact that he didn't see you as a team. I would find his lack of generosity pretty unattractive. I would also be sad and frustrated that I couldn't have open conversations about money with the man I share my life with, because I think married people should be able to talk about anything. I don't think I could stop that resentment from seeping into other areas of our relationship.

This wouldn’t be tenable for me to be honest. As much as we might wish otherwise, money is a key part of our quality of life and stability not just in the present but when planning for life changes, emergencies, and our longer-term future. I think there are many ways happy, healthy partnerships can approach the nitty gritty of where money comes from and where it goes, but all involve both partners showing the other’s needs and preferences respect (this was particularly true for me when issues of maternity leave and childcare came into the mix). It really sounds like your DH isn’t doing that, and it would set off alarm bells in my head.

But if you feel differently then what I would accept in my own marriage isn’t particularly relevant. Are you ok with this? Or does it just seem less bad than a potential divorce?